Chris Sawin, Author at GeeksHaveGame

October 3, 2017
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BLADE RUNNER 2049 [Review]: Sci-Fi Sequel Trojan Horse.

It has been 35 years since Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner was originally released in theaters. The film had a rather unsuccessful run at the box office making a measly $28 million off of a $33.8 million budget. Its science fiction cult classic leviathan status wouldn’t be something it would be known for until later during its home video release and later still once The Final Cut began making the rounds. Blade Runner is now considered to be one of the best films ever made.

Director Denis Villeneuve has been on this incredible streak ever since he made his American debut with Prisoners back in 2013. The exceptional psychological thriller Enemy, the critically well-received crime thriller Sicario, and 2016’s Oscar winning sci-fi film Arrival have essentially made Villeneuve a household name. If you enjoy any of Villeneuve’s work or the original Blade Runner film, your expectations are probably floating somewhere in the stratosphere for Blade Runner 2049; as well they should be. Villeneuve holds Blade Runner very close to his heart and didn’t want the director’s job at first because he was afraid he’d tarnish its legacy until he read the screenplay written by Hampton Fancher (who co-wrote Blade Runner) and Michael Greene (Logan, Green Lantern), which is both promising and slightly misleading.

A scene from Denis Villeneuve's "Blade Runner 2049."

“I see 5-Bibles.”

This was the first time where, after exiting the theater for a press screening, critics were handed this sheet of paper sent directly from Warner Bros. featuring a bulleted list of potential spoilers not to be hinted at or mentioned in our reviews; don’t reveal this, don’t confirm that, and even please say some studio force-fed drivel if pressed about a certain character in the film. It all seemed rather unnecessary since most critics have the common sense not to reveal everything about the film they’re reviewing to their reading audience since we probably wouldn’t have the readers that we do if we did partake in that sort of thing.

The film takes place 30 years after the original film. An LAPD officer named K (Ryan Gosling) discovers something that digs deeper than anyone could have ever imagined which leads him to former Blade Runner Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford). In the three decades that have passed, replicants have evolved. Newer models are being produced by Niander Wallace (Jared Leto) and the former models that still run rogue known as Nexus 8’s are what Blade Runners hunt and “retire.”

The neo-noir sci-fi sequel is gorgeous to look at and that’s no surprise since Roger Deakins is in charge of cinematography. Deakins worked with Villeneuve on Sicario and Prisoners as well as Skyfall, No Country for Old Men, and many others over his 30+ year film career. Every sequence that takes place outside seems to take Roy Batty’s, “…like tears in the rain…,’ speech from the original film to heart since it’s almost always raining or snowing as K roams the desolate streets of future California flooded with free roaming, holographic advertisements that often dance naked in the street in an effort to cater to the desires of the public. Blade Runner 2049 updates the visuals of the original film, but does it in a way that makes the two films feel connected. This is the same world that swallowed up Deckard so many years ago, so the temptation is still there, androids are still an active part of society, and flying cars are still way cooler than they’ll ever be in our reality. But 2049 is an uglier future than 2019 ever was with skeletons buried deep within its dim, fluorescently lit alleyways.

Despite Villeneuve’s frequent composer and collaborator Johann Johannsson exiting the film, the score by Hans Zimmer and Benjamin Wallfisch (It, A Cure for Wellness) is unnerving yet beautiful. The music often sounds like unreleased material from Trent Reznor, which is absolutely meant as a compliment. However, Zimmer and Wallfisch have more of a fascination with 80s synthesizer/keyboards than Reznor does, especially here. Blade Runner 2049 gives an industrial twist to a score that has what sounds like the soundtrack of the 80s pumping in its veins roaring like a revving car engine one minute and purring like the grinding gears of the insides of a functional robot the next.

Ryan Gosling as K in "Blade Runner 2049."

“Shut up and.. Drive.”

The cast mostly feels underutilized even if you take Ryan Gosling and Harrison Ford into consideration. Gosling carries the picture and yet feels more withdrawn than he was in either Drive or Only God Forgives. He has one pivotal scene where it all comes pouring out, but it just doesn’t feel like enough. Meanwhile Ford is around for maybe a third of the film. Ford was born in 1942 and as he gets older and older it’s becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish one acting role from the next despite the fact that he’s been portraying well-known characters that deserve credit for making him the sought after star he is today. The bottom line is Ford doesn’t act any differently here than he did in Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

The supporting cast is where you begin to feel robbed performance-wise. Leto seemed to have more to work with in the short film 2036: Nexus Dawn. Blade Runner 2049 had three short films released that take place in between the last film and this one. Two of them were directed by Scott’s son Luke and the animated one was directed by Cowboy Bebop director Shinichiro Watanabe. Leto has maybe four scenes in Blade Runner 2049, but is the focal point of the six-minute Nexus Dawn short film. Leto has this eerie calm and quiet demeanor about him while portraying Niander Wallace. He’s this father of replicant manufacturing so he’s fully aware of the power at his disposal, which means he fully embraces the darkness that comes with ruling an empire.

“So… the Church of Moody, huh.”

Dave Bautista has a bit more to work with here than he did in Skyfall and utters a line that echoes repeatedly over the course of the film. Lennie James is around for about the same amount of time with a panic and desperation that only scratches the surface of what he’s accomplished as Morgan on The Walking Dead. Sylvia Hoeks portrays the nastiest character in the film and she looks like she’s having the most fun out of the entire cast. Lastly, like Good Time, Barkhad Abdi (Captain Phillips) is shoehorned into another glorified cameo but at least he has some character traits that shine through here.

The unfortunate aspect of Blade Runner 2049 is that it heavily drags over its 163-minute runtime. Its heavily guarded storyline could be summed up in a sentence or two and revealed in a matter of minutes, but Villeneuve chooses to string the audience along like a sloth in line at the DMV. It feels like the film puts so much into its visuals that it forgets to spend just as much time masterfully crafting the editing process, the longwinded screenplay, or maybe doing away with yet another scene of Gosling slowly strolling around in a leather coat that chokes his face.

Dave Bautista and Ryan Gosling as Sapper Morton and K in "Blade Runner 2049."

“You’ve never seen my matches?”

Blade Runner 2049 is one of the most anticipated films of the year since every viewing of the original Blade Runner results in finding something else to appreciate. It’s a film that’s not only ahead of its time, but stands the test of time. On one hand, there’s a lot to process and appreciate with what Villeneuve has given Blade Runner fans. It’s not that the story is bad, but it’s like bringing home what looks like a mouthwatering cut of your favorite meat only to open it once you get home, flip it over, and realize the entire back of it is just excess gristle. Maybe Blade Runner 2049 takes multiple viewings to fully digest and process, but there isn’t enough excitement the first time around to trigger the desire to repeat the experience.

Blade Runner 2049 looks and feels and tastes like the cyberpunk Los Angeles fans crave and lust for from a Blade Runner film, but gorging on its nearly three hour expedition is like consuming a three course meal that looks appetizing and tastes great for about an hour but the next two hours is spent overcome with heartburn and indigestion. Blade Runner 2049 is a visual masterpiece, but a drudging descent for the sci-fi genre.

-Chris Sawin via HubPages

September 30, 2017January 2, 2018
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CUPHEAD [Face-Off Review]: Worship the Devil, Then Kick His Ass.

Chris “Holy Spirit” Sawin
@evilbutters

Cuphead has been in development since 2010 and it has honestly felt like an eternity waiting for it. I’m a gigantic fan of really old cartoons and traditional animation in general, so I knew this would be something special as soon as it was announced. Cuphead has stunning visuals with its vibrant colors and smooth animation. Everything about the game bleeds and breathes not only its imaginative concept but also this unique kind of creativity that can only be found in old cartoons.

And the spirit of (Old World) Disney, Max Fleischer, and Fallout 4 is alive and well in Cuphead. Aesthetically, StudioMDHR has conquered the retro platformer genre in spades. It’s.. majestic. But for those following my rants on Facebook, they know I just can’t with this game. As someone who consumes as much nerd culture, pro wrestling, sports (hell, the NBA preseason began today), amongst a zillion other things, I just don’t have the patience for countless death. And I’m not sure in this “ADD” world of GIFs and MEMEs that others will either.

CHRIS: Ahh, Moody. Sure, the game is difficult, but it’s not impossible to learn and while you hate the bosses for being such dickheads — I can’t help but appreciate the evolution of each battle. Each victory feels triumphant and meaningful, which is something many modern video games fail to capture in their gameplay.

MOODY: Sure.. after my initial playthrough, I stopped, gently placed the controller down on the coffeetable, went for a calm walk, returned to sin, “got gud” and conquered 5 bosses in a row. Upon hitting the 13% mark (yay!), I died on the next “run and gun” level and stupid punching flower boss — even when I have him and his pattern all figured out. But hey, I am thankful for the upgrading charms (that invincibility dash tho), the victory percentage bar (that I should probably utilize more), and at least dying to the sounds of some sweet tunes!

CHRIS: That score is a wonderfully eclectic mix of barber shop harmonies and upbeat jazz. Cuphead truly embodies something that was produced in the 1930s and next to its brilliant style, its music, voices, and dialogue seem to be from a forgotten time period while its gameplay reminds you of sidescrolling favorites such as Donkey Kong Country, Kirby’s Adventure, and Super Mario World. We live in a time where 2D games and animation is a thing of the past and a retired medium, but Cuphead reminds us all that there’s still plenty of fun to be had with run and gun games hand drawn entirely from scratch. This is the type of game that not only surpasses expectations, but has the potential to be timeless and replayable for years to come.

MOODY: I have agreed with everything you said.. maybe up to that point. Cuphead‘s hand-crafted platforms, zany plant-and-animal-appliance-ware foes and bosses and thumb-jerking dexterity are some of the very best in a long long time. My only wish — and I’m sure gonna catch a lot of flack for this, if I haven’t already — is that a patch be added for a tad easier difficulty (and I mean TAD easier; I’m this shit-close to running through bosses) for those who don’t have 8-hours in the day to lose 400 times, only to YouTube how “gud” they are the one time they skate by a fuck-boss or magically catch a perfect score. Yes, I’m “casul” as fuck saying that, but as someone who was once great at Contra but not Mega Man (and would whoop dat azz in a plethora of other modern titles like NBA 2K, Forza, Injustice 2, etc.), is sucking at one cel-animated game a means to revoke my game journalist card?

CHRIS: I’m afraid that’s an entirely a different topic for another time, Moodster. As for today, Cuphead proves that the devil is in the details and that originality isn’t always found by squinting to the future. Sometimes glancing over your shoulder, observing the past, and riding a nostalgic wave of artistic genius is all you need to reach immortality. 5/5 Devilishly Dazzling Bibles.

Gambling against a guy with a giant die for a head and the Devil will probably pay off, right?

MOODY: Then call me the devil — or, more apropos, devil’s advocate. The biggest problem I have with Cuphead isn’t the game itself, which has had these four-eyes hynotized since it was first revealed at E3 2014; but its accessibility. The game requires as much of a willing for endless death (and pain) as it does technical skill. Should a title in the “casual/platformer” category be this controller-throwingly frustrating to non-perfectionists, and potentially take them away from seeing the entire product? Maybe not, but Cuphead‘s still too admirable an art to dismiss. 4/5 ‘I Suck At Cuphead’ T-Shirts.

September 8, 2017
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DEATH NOTE [Retrospective]: Girlish Screams and Apple Cores.

Chris “Holy Spirit” Sawin
@evilbutters

Adam Wingard’s American live-action version of Death Note based on the original manga by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata was just released to Netflix last week, but in addition to the 37 episode anime series the source material was also adapted into four live-action Japanese films (the most recent was released in 2016) and a three-episode live-action TV series that bridged the decade long gap between Death Note II: The Last Name and Death Note: Light Up the New World. But before divulging into how weak the new Death Note is it’s time to look back on the forgotten time of 2006 at the many ups and downs of the weirdness of the first two Japanese live-action films!

Directed by Shusuke Kaneko (Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Godzilla Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack!) with a screenplay by Tetsuya Oishi (Takashi Miike’s Blade of the Immortal), Death Note and Death Note II: The Last Name are like tiny nuggets of gold wrapped in multiple layers of steamy, hot piles of garbage. In these films, the default death method if you don’t write a cause of death in the Death Note is a heart attack. People are having heart attacks left and right, but everyone overacts in these films so it looks like they’re re-enacting the “nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea” sickness dance from those Pepto Bismol commercials nobody remembers or cares about.

Ryuk has a stroke in the middle of a grocery store in the original Japanese live action “Death Note” film.

These films added characters that weren’t in the anime. Light’s parents are both alive and well and he has a sister that is mostly pointless. Light has a girlfriend named Shiori Akino and Misa Amane is a reality television host and accidental music artist. Light is also in college where he studies law and makes money by betting on basketball games he actually plays in. He is already in possession of the Death Note at the beginning of the film and has found a way to hack into the criminal database to research those who faced little to no repercussions for their crimes; something that surely ties into his dad being the chief of police. Ryuk has wings and is able to fly while the English dub track of the film seems to have raided Ocean’s dub of Dragon Ball Z with Brad Swaile (Teen Gohan) voicing Light Yagami, Michael Dobson (Supreme Kai/Nappa) as Rem, and Brian Drummond (Vegeta) stepping in as Ryuk, but this is also the same English cast for the dubbing of the anime series.

For some reason, the Japanese live-action films decided to have the Red Hot Chili Peppers do the theme songs for both adaptations.“Dani California” is the closing theme for the first film, but also the main credits theme in the sequel while “Snow, Hey Oh” is the closing theme for Death Note II. While snow is featured at the very end of the sequel and somewhat ties into that, “Dani California” makes no sense whatsoever to be featured in either film. The computer generated shinigamis or gods of death have not aged well over the past 11 years. The special effects fluctuate from being somewhat passable to coming off as totally outdated. Shading is a key issue with Ryuk and Rem looking out of place thanks to shadows on their body being disproportional with natural sun or moonlight. Motion capture technology and CGI in general progresses so far from year to year, which is why so many films feel dated if they rely and/or heavily feature an element that will drastically change in less than five years.

Light and L contemplate whose dick is actually bigger than a chess piece in “Death Note II: The Last Name.”

Adam Wingard’s American version of the film adapted for Netflix feels like the Final Destination franchise and Dawson’s Creek had a regrettable affair together and Death Note is the aborted baby that they attempted to sweep under a back alley dumpster to keep hidden from the rest of the world. While Light still has a father who is a cop, he spends his days doing other student’s homework for money and being incredibly emo as a loner who hides from the world in his dark hoodie and a pair of headphones that blasts drum beat defecation similar to the feces spewing tween wave soundtrack highlighted in the “You’re Getting Old” episode of South Park from season 15.

This version of Death Note depicts Light as a weak individual who seemingly can’t do anything without a girl by his side as a metaphorical set of training wheels. Light basically relies on Mia (the supposed American version of Misa) to be the balls of the operation as they’re essentially killing criminals because they both get off on it, but even he second guesses everything at every turn. The darkness found within the Light character of the anime and Japanese live-action films has been shifted to Mia in the American version while Light is more like Misa; cowering in the face of danger and using the Death Note for the sake of love. In the meantime, you’re subjected to Light’s stupid observations (“Your fingers are huge,”) and trivial dialogue (“I can’t tell you. Do you really want to know? Okay, I’ll tell you,”) along with the film blatantly setting up Mia’s eventual betrayal and Light being the last person in the world to realize it. Light’s string of high-pitched and girlish screams and Ryuk’s inability to eat an entire apple certainly allow you to legitimately facepalm until chafing occurs.

With so many films accused of whitewashing these days, Death Note took the opposite approach when it cast Lakeith Stanfield (Straight Outta Compton, Get Out) as L. While L still can’t sit in a chair properly and has a candy fueled diet that would make a diabetic cat lose all nine of its lives over the course of an hour long period, he’s a vengeful sociopath by the time the film ends which seems completely out of character for him. Wingard has claimed in interviews that his goal was to leave all of the characters damaged at the end of this film, but L is no longer the genius and emotionless detective with unorthodox methods. He’s foaming at the mouth at the thought of murdering Light, which makes you feel like Adam Wingard has done to Death Note what Rob Zombie did to Halloween.

Fluorescent lighting and hoodies make shit so fucking cool in the new “Death Note” film.

The only good aspect of this new version of Death Note is Willem Dafoe voicing Ryuk. His cackle is so unbelievably entertaining. If the entire 101-minute duration was devoted to Ryuk laughing maniacally then it would have been a much more enjoyable experience. Dafoe has this eerie and raspy grumble to his voice that is perfect for voicing a diabolical god of death who slinks around in the shadows. The unfortunate part is Adam Wingard refuses to let the audience get a clear look at Ryuk throughout the film. He’s never fully revealed in proper lighting. On one hand, this leaves you wanting more of the character so this technique is probably considered fairly successful to the cast and crew of the film. But on the other hand, Ryuk is only in a handful of scenes as it is and it would have been nice that if he couldn’t be around more often then we could have at least had that triumphant and dramatic reveal with a slow pan that started at his feet and crawled to the top of his head like a Godzilla film or something.

The Netflix adaptation of Death Note isn’t unwatchable, but it isn’t satisfying either. However, it’s not like the Japanese films are flawless adaptations either. Unfortunately, Death Note has yet to properly make the jump from manga to the silver screen. The concept is fantastic, but even the anime let that go to waste after the first 13 episodes or so. Uncensored gore and whiny teenage teenage drama fail to captivate not only those who are fans of the source material but are also looking for a decent movie to stream as passable entertainment on a well-earned night off. 2/5 Overrated Kira Worshiping Bibles

June 8, 2017
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THE MUMMY [Review]: An Adventurous Mercury Poisoning.

Chris “Holy Spirit” Sawin
@evilbutters

With glass shattering sandstorms that would make Mad Max adjust his sand-riddled boxers, an overabundance of crows that would leave Eric Draven screaming, “Uncle!,” and a super-sized cluster of camel spiders that would send Peter Parker into a sensory overloaded coma, Alex Kurtzman’s The Mummy has arrived to kick off Universal’s new Dark Universe and remind everyone that Tom Cruise’s completely smooth 54-year-old nutsack will have less wrinkles over the course of its entire lifetime than you or I will develop over the forthcoming decade.

The latest resurrection of The Mummy features Sofia Boutella as Ahmanet; an Egyptian princess who murdered her family and decided that Set, the Egyptian god of death, was the neatest thing since mercury embalming. Set bestowed these intimidating mummy powers upon Ahmanet for being his number one fan like the ever useful but kinda corny power to communicate with a single spider, all of the turquoise paint you could dip your fingertips in, the ability to make a murder of crows cackle and confusingly loiter, how to rearrange a sandstorm to make a giant version of your face Wooly Willy style, gather a mischief of rats to suckle on the succulent teets of an aged to perfection Jerry Maguire, and a toss-up between a lifetime supply of eyeliner and stalking Tom Cruise in his dreams.

Since Set did Ahmanet a solid, in return, she is to use his dagger (with a handle embedded with a magical strawberry Ring Pop at the end of it) and violently plunge it into a chosen one who would be Set’s human vessel aka meatbag aka Tom Cruise.

What do you mean we’re just going to rip off An American Werewolf in London?

Tom Cruise, armed with a whiny Jake Johnson at his side, portrays Nick Morton; a tomb raiding treasure hunter who takes all of his cues from Nathan Drake in Uncharted and Jackie Chan in his Operation Condor films. The entire treasure hunting concept is shoehorned into the film to make way for Ahmanet slurping down police officers like Capri Suns while turning their sunken remains into an army of brittle mummified zombies. Some of the action scenes that follow are surprisingly good as Tom shoves his baby hands and tiny feet through decomposing faces and hollow chests.

Meanwhile Russell Crowe is busy turning in an underwhelming performance as Dr. Henry Jekyll and Annabelle Wallis can’t decide whether to be spiteful, knowledgeable, and bitchy or completely helpless, in need of rescuing, and procuring a moist sphinx cat between her legs when it comes to thinking about Nick as Jenny Halsey.

The Doublemint gum approach to eyeballs.

Every predictable layer found within the derivative bandages of The Mummy reveals the sarcophagi of a dull and crusty film. The performances are stale other than Tom Cruise who is excited about shit no one else can bother with. The dialogue is hokey as hell and will likely result in audible groans throughout whatever theater you’re dragged to. What’s misleading is that some of the visuals are impressive; the action is often entertaining if no one on-screen opens their mouth, and that falling plane sequence is pretty incredible but Tom Cruise doing fucking ridiculous action sequences has become the norm and The Mummy is just more of the same.

This film is the first in what appears to be a long line of “scary” franchise films and a possibly massive universe revolving around updated versions of classic Universal monsters. If every one of those films is as lame as this one, then wheel an entire pyramid full of liquid mercury up to my house and I will chug that shit with a crazy straw so I can at least lose my mind and pretend to have a good time watching these boring monstrosities before we all wither away from insanity. 1/5 Pointless Crow Cackling Bibles.

May 26, 2017
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PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 5 [Review]: A Scurvy, Infested Dumpster Fire.

Chris “Holy Spirit” Sawin
@evilbutters

Six years ago, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides already felt like overkill on Jack Sparrow and all things related to buried treasure and the Disney cinematic equivalent of swashbuckling, pillaging, and womanizing pirates. Over half a decade later and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales makes it feel like all originality has been sucked dry from this franchise leading one to believe that milking sequels out of a film based on an amusement park ride finally grows stale after the charm of the original crumbles away due to being vigorously raped in every orifice until a mind-numbing coma takes hold.

Henry Turner (Gods of Egypt’s Brenton Thwaites), son of Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) has been searching for nine long years to free his father of the curse of being the captain of the Flying Dutchman. His findings have led him to the trident of Poseidon, which has the power to control the sea but is a treasure that no man has ever been able to find. Enter scientist and horologist (brace yourself for the unfunny “whore” jokes to follow) Carina Smyth (Moon’s Kaya Scodelario). Carina believes the trident is hidden somewhere that the stars can reveal and she has her father’s journal to prove it. She teams up with Henry in search of the trident, but the lack of a boat has them hot on the trail of the well-known pirate known as Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp).

The amount of fucks I give are contained inside this bottle.

To make matters worse, Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem) and his army of ghost pirates are driven by vengeance on Jack Sparrow for condemning them to an eternity of being trapped in the Devil’s Triangle. Their entrapment is bound to Jack’s compass, but after he trades the compass for a bottle of rum Salazar is free to roam the ocean and hunt Jack down at his leisure all while annihilating every ship and killing every man that gets in his way which all circles back around to Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) somehow.

Dead Men Tell No Tales is plagued by an overabundance of CGI. Silly shit is computer generated like Salazar’s hair constantly looking like it’s floating or drifting around in water or basically anyone of Salazar’s crew. Every dead man on that ship is just wearing a tattered green suit on different parts of their bodies, so when you just see a pair of arms floating around or a headless guy with just a jaw killing people it ruins what little entertainment value they were aiming for. The film does pull off a flashback featuring a young Johnny Depp and it’s probably the highlight of the special effects. It’s nearly as impressive as young Robert Downey Jr in Captain America: Civil War, which makes sense since the effects in Dead Men Tell No Tales were also done by Industrial Light and Magic. And a slow motion zombie shark attack is somewhat cool the entire eight seconds it lasts on screen.

Ladies and gentlemen, the pirate version of Daffy Duck.

There’s a horror film from 1977 entitled Death Bed: The Bed That Eats and it revolves around a bed that eats people. Its existence may only be public knowledge because of Patton Oswalt’s stand-up comedy. But it seems as though the writers of Dead Men Tell No Tales borrowed this concept for their film; Jeff Nathanson, who has written the likes of the last two Rush Hour films and the screenplay for Speed 2: Cruise Control, and Terry Rossio, long time writer on the Pirates films and writing contributor to other gems such as Déjà Vu, The Mask of Zorro, and Small Soldiers. These sophisticated fellas seem to have taken the soul of Death Bed and applied it to Salazar’s ship because it does nothing but eat people and other ships while at sea. These ghost pirates can’t set foot on land, so they’re stuck at sea killing everyone because there is literally nothing else to do in ghost purgatory.

Jack Sparrow has become a laughing stock and it’s as if these films have knowledge of this. Jack is drunk, clumsy, and careless at every turn. From the moment he appears with his bank robbing ridiculousness to his sour one-liners and slippery swagger, it’s safe to say that after 14 years Jack Sparrow is ready to go to that impenetrable brig in the sky. A quick look at the IMDb trivia for the film reveals that Salazar was originally supposed to be a character named Captain Brand portrayed by Christoph Waltz. While we mourn the loss of a performance that could have been, Bardem’s portrayal may have been more amusing if the liquefied black jelly bean goo dripping from his mouth at all times didn’t get in the way of his line delivery. Bardem seems to be drooling in every scene and the special effects make his head look like it’s too big for his body at times, which literally destroys whatever amount of intimidation Salazar was supposed to have.

First rule about sea life: jail bait is A-OK.

The entire film centers its spotlight on dead men not being capable of telling tales. This is something that is even in the title of the Goddamn thing. If that’s the case, then why does Salazar tell so many fucking stories throughout this pointless excursion? Salazar goes on this long-winded rant to Henry and then ends it with, “But dead men tell no tales,” which ignites the title screen of the film and immediate hypocrisy. Then he tells an even longer story to Barbossa. For dead guys, these assholes don’t know when to shut the fuck up.

The story makes it a point to introduce these two new characters, which is relevant for spoilerish reasons. The only problem is you don’t give a handful of monkey shit about Henry or Carina. Henry spends all this time looking for Jack Sparrow and then does nothing but bitch about his appearance and his methods once he finally meets him. Meanwhile Carina has her nose in the sky and her head stuck so far up her ass that she just comes off as a snooty bitch. When the two share screen time, they’re so unbearably stubborn that wishing for a scabies outbreak to wipe these motherfuckers out seems like an honorable way to go since you’ll have to fight the urge to throw both of their gigantic heads in the guillotine.

This gangbang is about to get a little…sticky.

This Pirates sequel is overloaded with unnecessary CGI effects (running on water and a flying decaying bird, woo!), an annoying cast, and a weak storyline that is nothing more than future sequel bait. There is an after credits scene, which will have you reminiscing about Homer and his pet lobster Pinchy from The Simpsons. This franchise has lost its ability to tell any sort of coherent storytelling and instead chooses to hone in on cartoon absurdity and undoubtedly some of the the dumbest cinematic characters imaginable. Bash your head with a brick for a couple of hours straight and then write a screenplay. It has a good chance of becoming the next Pirates of the Caribbean sequel.

So instead of wasting over two hours of your life by watching this, just watch any Spongebob Squarepants episode revolving around The Flying Dutchman (the season two episode “Shanghaied,” especially). You’re guaranteed to have a better time and even if you don’t a twenty minute episode is much easier to digest than a full-length film. 0/5 Lines of Understandable Salazar Dialogue.

May 17, 2017
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ALIEN – COVENANT [Review]: A Devilish Symphony of Disappointment.

Chris “Holy Spirit” Sawin
@evilbutters

Prometheus was and still is a bit of a trainwreck, but it is worth defending if it’s ever labeled as the bastard child of the Alien franchise. Alien is classic sci-fi horror, Aliens is the perfect sci-fi action sequel that everyone wanted, Alien 3 is the polarizing threequel that most seem to love to hate, and Alien: Resurrection is this wonderful and enjoyable mess of a film. Despite David Fincher disowning Alien 3 and Joss Whedon’s script for Resurrection being completely ripped to shreds, the sequels are still better than they have any right to be. Prometheus was enjoyable since it accidentally re-introduced the world to intelligent mainstream science fiction cinema. The questions it raised about where we come from as well as its views on creationism triggered this incredible internal contemplation that deserves the highest of accolades. As a sci-fi film it was pretty extraordinary, but as an Alien prequel it left this giant gaping hole in the hearts of our limp and lifeless corpses entirely overcome with anticipation.

In the year 2104 (ten years since the events of Prometheus) , the colony ship The Covenant heads to the planet Origae-6 with a crew of 15 and 2,000 colonists and over 1,000 embryos as its cargo. The planet will take over seven years to reach, so cryo-sleep is needed to survive the exhausting journey. Walter (Michael Fassbender), an android that is an updated version of David, runs the ship while everyone sleeps but a neutrino shockwave disrupts the ship’s otherwise peaceful expedition. This occurrence violently awakens most of the crew, but takes the life of The Covenant’s captain leaving first mate Christopher Oram (Billy Crudup) in charge of the vessel.

During repairs, a transmission is received leading to a nearby planet with an atmosphere that is similar to Earth yet shows no signs of life. The detour seems worthwhile to nearly everyone on board except for the terraforming expert named Daniels (Katherine Waterston), who is very adamant about not veering off course and believes this sudden discovery is possibly life threatening. The expedition team sent to this mystery planet encounters the crash site of the engineering ship known as the Prometheus. The team discovers sources for drinkable water and a plethora of wheat fields; a seemingly perfect place to reboot human civilization. But the planet lacks wildlife of any kind and two crew members suddenly fall victim to an alien spore.

Ridley Scott has said that Alien: Covenant is his way of listening to the fans and correcting what Prometheus got wrong. Fans were in an uproar that the Xenomorph was nowhere to be seen in the supposed prequel to Alien, so Scott finally delivers with the beloved sci-fi movie monster; its first appearance on-screen in two decades (Alien: Resurrection was 1997 and no the AVP films don’t count). But it’s as if Ridley Scott knows what the fans want, dangles it in front our faces, and then allows a chestburster to viciously violate its insides as we watch our hopes and dreams crumble away. Covenant introduces the idea that there are scarier things drifting out in space other than the Xenomorph and it all comes back around to Michael Fassbender’s David.

Screw guns. Let’s just throw obscenities at this terrifying space monster.

Fassbender is the highlight of the film, but this new prequel trilogy has basically revolved around him from the start. He does two different accents for the roles of David and Walter in an effort to distinguish the two similar androids apart, but it seems odd to think that the film’s best moments are when David and Walter share screen time which is just Fassbender talking to himself. It also helps that Fassbender gets all the best dialogue. The prologue alone with a younger Peter Weyland (Guy Pearce) as he talks with David for the first time is extraordinarily fascinating.

Unfortunately, you don’t really care about anyone else aboard the Covenant. Danny McBride is surprisingly solid as chief pilot Tennessee. McBride brings a toned down version of the raunchy humor you’ve come to expect from the Georgia-born actor, but also showcases some impressive dramatic acting. Billy Crudup’s Christopher Oram spends so much time seething and grinding his teeth on the sidelines that he doesn’t know how to capitalize on being the captain once the opportunity is finally given to him. Oram has his own idea of what respect is and when expectations aren’t met he sees it as humiliation. Oram seems weak since he needs constant reassurance from Daniels more so than his own wife, Karine (Carmen Ejogo).

“I want you to act like you were never in Pineapple Express.”

The main issue is that Daniels is neither Ellen Ripley nor Elizabeth Shaw. Ripley was this monumentally strong female lead and wasn’t afraid of kicking ass while Shaw had this undeniable confidence about her. All Daniels does is whine about a log cabin she wants to build on this new planet, is teary-eyed at absolutely everything, and nearly dies every time she steps off the ship. Waterston does what she can with the role, but it comes up short. The entire crew feels like filler since none of them really have memorable characteristics or notable screen time. You will not remember anyone’s name who hasn’t already been mentioned. Even James Franco is completely wasted in his role portraying a burnt hot dog; it’s as if he’s forgotten this isn’t Sausage Party. A deleted scene gives Franco a bit more screen time, but again it all feels like a huge tease.

What’s unfortunate is that the film slips into major stereotypical territory. Other female characters are either involved in the predictable sex in a shower sequence or cry uncontrollably when it hits the fan. These women panic so hard that they can’t even run straight or say anything coherent through their river of tears and blanket of mucus erupting from their nostrils. In order to re-introduce the world to the Xenomorph some really cliché plot points have to occur like communication being severed and constantly slipping in blood during a chase. Why does this franchise suddenly revolve around stupid decisions? Prometheus had characters making really dumb choices, but Covenant is even worse like who would put their face next to something so foreign just to see what happens? And risking the rest of your crew, the lives of the remaining members on board, and the precious cargo that will likely jump start a new human civilization just to check on something you probably already know the answer to is also imbecilic. Willingly putting your own face in an open Xenomorph egg should be considered suicidal.

Housekeeping is a bit more face-bitey than I remember.

Covenant continues to dawdle around where we came from, who created us, and just what the engineers are but it fails to introduce anything that Prometheus didn’t already cover. The new creature, the Neomorph, is intriguing but like the Xenomorph it doesn’t last long enough to make an impact. There’s some good in Alien: Covenant. Most of it lies in how talented Michael Fassbender is as an actor. The concept of the androids being created and admiring art like movies and symphonies yet being completely incapable of creating anything themselves is brilliant and realizing that there is something more horrifying roaming the bowels of space is chilling, but it all comes back around to David. Everything else has become cannon fodder and it’s soul crushing. As a massive Alien fan, Covenant doesn’t deliver. We need to see the Xenomorphs flourish again as a swarm or an army and completely dominant. Xenomorphs are like Batman and are more effective in the darkness.

Despite some potentially promising concepts and Queen Alien-sized anticipations, Alien: Covenant is a massive letdown. All you’ll remember walking away from Covenant is Fassbender teaching himself how to play the flute before making out with himself. Covenant is the bloodiest and goriest this franchise has been in a long time, but it isn’t scary. Alien: Covenant can best be described as this beautiful symphony performed with amateur instruments. It is a hellish workshop overflowing with gut-wrenching disappointment. 3/5 Genetically-Altered Bad Eggs.