Are you there God? It’s me, Marvel.

Dear God,

I was hoping You’d help me piece something together because it’s a bit of a blur.

This morning, I woke up in Avi Arad’s rose garden holding a handle of Jack Daniels, an iPhone with a cracked screen and a hooker dressed as Phoenix- (I like chicks with a little fire in them. What can I say?).

Last thing I remember was being at The Avengers wrap party and realizing we were going to make an ass load of money on a film about what’s probably only the third best Super group in my Marvel arsenal- (Way to screw up a good thing, Fox).

Here’s the deal though: When I finally fired the synapse to get up, I checked my Facebook account, and my buddy sent me our release schedule for the next few years. As I did the hug-and-roll to escape the lady of the night, I scrolled down the list before I walked to my limited-edition Silver Surfer Bentley…

Iron Man 3: May, 3 2013-
Check. That’s all good. Downey Jr. is so hot right now. He could have a Sheen-sized meltdown, and his Q rating would just go up. This guy got away with blackface. Loving it. Writer/Director Shane Black has been the best wordsmith for smartasses in Hollywood for over two decades. And, after Kiss, Kiss. Bang, Bang., these guys love each other. Win. Win. Win.

Back to the list…

Thor 2: November, 15 2013-
Check. Asgardian Boom! Kenneth Branagh directed the first Thor film. Kenneth fucking Branagh. Sorry about the cussing, God, but Kenneth “I-screwed-up Frankenstein-so-badly-that-no-one-will-go-near-a-box-of-Frankenberry” Branagh directed a movie of mine, and it’s made $450 M worldwide. Talk about a heat check. I can’t lose.

Now then, where were we? Oh , yes…

Captain America 2: April 4, 2014-
Check. Apple-Pie-on-the-4th-of-July Boom! People love this kid, Chris Evans. We’re gonna pepper in a little Sam Jackson, maybe mix in a little love triangle a la the Mono-myth (Star Wars, Harry Potter, Excalibur, etc.), do some more of that “adjusting-to-modern-life” stuff people in Middle America seem to love so much. Cap: “Ah, shucks. What is an Internet?” WalMart McDonalds: “Ha, I’m smarter than Cap. I know what an Internet is. We got one of them at home.” I’ve put Joe and Anthony Russo on this. Comedy directors. Gonna be amaze-balls, as the kids say. Not sure which kids say that. Think it’s the same ones who listen to Lil’ Wayne. Not sure who those people are either. Do people really like that guy? Anyway, Cap is good to go.

Everything looks great right now… That’s easily $1 – $1.5 B (as in Billion) box office. Good day for Marvel. And that’s me, so I’m awesome…

Just a couple more here…

Guardians of the Galaxy: August 1, 2014-
Avengers 2– Sometime in 2015-

Hold up. Go back. Huh? Is this a joke? What was in that brownie I ate at the wrap party? Is that a typo? Guardians of the Galaxy? Is that even one of mine?

*checking Wikipedia

Hmm. Okay. Well, there’s Star-Lord. I kinda remember that guy. Major Victory aka Vance Astro, who used to be Marvel Boy and then Justice… wow, how many times did we reinvent this guy? Groot, a plant alien. Bug, who is, well, a bug. Moondragon, bald, bisexual chick. Drax the Destroyer– cool green dude, who likes knives. Jack Flag– another Cap connection. Mantis– skilled female killer. Gamora– most dangerous woman in the universe. Cosmo– a telepathic dog. Sounds pretty standard. And, what’s this? Rocket Raccoon– an alien raccoon, who also happens to be an expert marksman.

Er…

Wow. I have got to lay off of the drugs, God. To be fair, the original Guardians of the Galaxy debuted in 1969, so everyone was on LSD. And 2008 was the year we rebooted the Guardians. 2008. In 2008, “Breaking Bad” debuted on AMC. Coincidence? Meth does crazy things.

What is the deal here? Okay, I’m going to take a deep breath and try to piece this together. I thought the reason we were going with Thanos as the villain in the next Avengers flick was because we were trying to beat DC to using their most useable villain, if they decided to try to make a Justice League movie, which they now are.

Our Thanos is very similar to their Ares, who is a natural enemy to Wonder Woman- one of the only properties they haven’t properly f’ed up- thanks to NBC not airing the TV show they tried to launch last year. That happens to them a lot. Remember that failed Aquaman pilot. No? Neither does anyone else. It never aired either.

Am I getting ahead of myself? Remember the at the end of The Avengers– the space scene after the credits, not the cute Shawarma restaurant scene with Tony Stark, Cap and the crew- we saw the creepy Chitauri leader say that fighting the Avengers would be like courting death? Of course you remember. I just read that “everyone and God saw Avengers,” and that’s you, so… Well, the creepier guy who turns to the camera and smiles is Thanos. And, apparently, he thinks taking death to dinner and a movie sounds like a good idea. He might even want to meet death’s parents.

Thanos is a bad mamma jamma, and, in my comics, he’s got this thing called the Infinity Gauntlet. It kind of looks like a Nintendo PowerGlove customized for Liberace. It gets pretty in depth from there, but let me say that I laid the groundwork by showing the Infinity Gauntlet in Odin’s vault (which we know isn’t impenetrable wink, wink, nudge, nudge) in Thor, and I even had my boys bring one to Comic Con last year. They put it right up there with Cap’s shield and Thor’s Mjolnir. Important? I think so.

*Drinks a 5-hour Energy

Whoa. It’s starting to come back to me. This is a lot of stuff to take in. That’s why we’ve got four movies before we get back to The Avengers franchise.

That is why Joss Whedon was called upon to helm these films. I called him. I was all like, “Hey Joss, it’s Marvel.” And, he was all like, “I know who you are. I have caller ID.” Like it was meant to be.

Joss Whedon was made for this type of movie. Not just a Superhero movie, but the culmination of a few Superhero movies. Joss Whedon created the episodic “Big Bad.” As the creator of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” he would begin each season showing us the evil that had come into Sunnydale. He would show all of the killing that the “Big Bad” could do (like we set up for Loki with Thor), then he’d develop our characters with the episodes along the way (Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Iron Man 2). Then, he’d blow us away in the finale by watching Buffy (The Avengers) destroy the “Big Bad” (Loki and the Chitauris) against all odds.

The thing is. This is America. It’s gotta be BIGGER and better this time.

Putting the Guardians of the Galaxy up against Thanos before The Avengers 2 is the comic book equivalent of putting The Brooklyn Brawler up against Andre the Giant before he meets Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania. It’s not so much a move to put Thanos over, as it is a way to stall for time in order to let the filmmakers (or commentators – we miss you Gorilla Monsoon) show you why we should fear Thanos.

A lot of these “Guardians” aren’t going to make it to Deux Ex Avengers. I just remembered that. They’re not even window dressing in the franchise. They are more like bugs (pun intended) that are going to be wiped off of the windshield at the next rest stop. After people see Guardians of the Galaxy, they won’t so much miss the characters they just met and lost in the last 120 minutes, as they will have realized what a bad ass Thanos really is… And they can’t wait for Hulk to smash him.

In order for there to be another Avengers, there needs to be something for them to avenge. In this case, it will be the massacre of the Guardians of the Galaxy- which will probably only massacre the box office to the tune of 400M domestically.

I even hired TV director Alan Taylor to direct Thor 2 because these are basically commercials for the main course, which explains why I’ve been on a month-long bender celebrating the fruits of our advertising labor for Marvel’s strawberry rhubarb parfait.

But Shhh. Let’s keep this between you and me. Don’t tell DC. They might figure out how to make money on their established brand. Ha! Just kidding. Go ahead. Tell them. They couldn’t put together an Ikea table, much less a successful superhero franchise other than the Nolan Bat, and he’s on his way out of the cave (perhaps even to sudden death for the new Dick in town).

God, I love being Marvel.

Thanks for helping me clear that up. I’m kind of jonesing for steak and eggs at IHOP. I wonder if Phoenix has risen yet. I suppose I could buy her breakfast. Even working girls gotta eat.

Later, God.

Yours truly,
Marvel