Comic-Con: Move over, Joe — God got THIS.

Reverend,

I was all set to write a review of the documentary Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan’s Hope directed by Morgan Spurlock of Super-Size Me fame, when God came to me in a vision.

I was going to talk about how the movie was a great introduction to the multimedia convention for non-geeks, but how it also gave several personal stories that showed Comic-Con from different perspectives: The Collector, The Vendor, The Lovers, The Artists… It really is a great way to understand the appeal of this great meeting of misfits. But, for those of us who have been there, it just kind of scratches the surface. The personal victories and failures of the main characters of the flick are the most engaging parts, but there are so many that it’s spread a little thin.

However, when God calls, you have to listen. He (capital H) said he’d watched the documentary, and he had few questions to ask the geeks. He did so in the open letter below.

– Brother Joe

Hey Geeks,

It’s me, God*. I just watched Morgan Spurlock’s documentary about Comic-Con, and we need to talk. Now I’m all for artistic expression and losing yourself in an imaginary world of superheroes and epic villains, but you motherfuckers are taking things just a little too far… and by “a little too far”, I mean you are out of your friggin’ minds.

Now before I get started, I wanted to make one thing very clear: I am not the Buddhist god. I am not the Catholic god. I am not the Muslim god. I am not the Scientology god… hahahaha, oh man, I couldn’t even keep a straight face on that one. Scientology, really? I mean, I thought Catholicism was ridiculous, but that L. Ron Hubbard crock of shit is retarded. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I am not any of these pretend gods that most of you believe in- I am The God. I not only created everything, I created myself. Boom. Chew on that nugget for a little bit. If I tried to explain that any further, most of your minds would explode, so let’s just move on to my questions about your unhealthy obsession with all things comic book related.

1. Why would you ever get engaged at Comic-Con? I don’t care how big of nerds you and your wife are; this is a terrible idea. Even if your social awkwardness allows you to maintain that it was the best decision of your lives, your children will have no choice but to hate you for that… and for the fact that you named them Boba and Psylocke.

2. Why do you female nerds not understand the two basic rules of Cos Play:
A. No woman over 160 pounds should be allowed to dress up as Wonder Woman, Storm, Rogue, Catwoman, Emma Frost, Princess Leia or any other sexy fantasy character.
B. No woman over the age of 40 should be dressing up in any sort of costume… EVER. And I’m including wedding dresses in this… yeah, don’t even get me started on what a sham marriage has become.
No one wins you if you break these two basic rules. We’re not happy about it, and deep down, you know it’s wrong as well. Explain yourselves.

3. When did you assholes decide that it would be funny for guys to dress up as the female characters? This was funny the first time I saw it, but now it just pisses me off. It’s kind of like the first guy to get a mohawk… I remember thinking, “That dude looks fucking gangster”. You know who that guy was? Me. That’s right motherfuckers, I am The Original Bad Ass. Everyone else just looks like an art major pretending to be tough. Stop it. That’s how rape happens.

4. [Editor’s note: Too soon, God. Too soon!] HOW DARE ANYONE HAVE THE AUDACITY TO EDIT A POST FROM GOD!!!

Ahh…so anyway… moving on, I suppose…

5. All these super-powers that you’ve created for these imaginary heroes of yours are pretty awesome – Superman can fly, Wolverine can recuperate, and Hulk can smash, but guess who possesses all those legendary skills and tons of others that you can’t even comprehend? Again, Me. I am the biggest pimp of all time, and you bastards can’t even write a comic about me? No wonder you’re all still virgins.

6. Why do you Trekkies even bother to show up? Even though your most recent movie was pretty killer, your story will always be a distant second to Star Wars. Did Lucas shit the bed with the most recent Star Wars installments? Yes. Does even Jesus hate Jar Jar Binks? Yes. But even so, the douche-ship Enterprise will never be as cool as the Millennium Falcon. Take off your ridiculous Spock ears and deal with it. PS- Jesus isn’t my Son, he’s just a dope-ass prophet that swings by my place to drink wine and swap ideas sometimes. He’s good people and a huuuuuggggeee Han Solo fan.

That’s all I got. Please watch the movie, so you can take a look at yourselves. Comic-Con is a big old misfit family reunion. And, if that’s okay with you, who am I to tell you it’s wrong. Oh yeah, I’m GOD. Get a life.

Sincerely,
The Creator of the Universe
(No, not Stan Lee)

*New Contributor Saint Luke (Luke Albright) translated God’s letter

 

The opinions expressed by.. uh.. God in this piece in no way reflects the views of Travis Moody, Emma Fyffe, Joe Ross, Luke Albright, God Hates Geeks, or any of the staff, volunteers, or underwriters of GHG or GHGTV 6 or Southern California Public Communications Inc. (But, wait – isn’t the site called uh…? Yes, nevermind that.)