SHAWN “Pastor” PUFF: Looks like it’s time for me and my brother to layeth the Smackdown and give you nerds a Hell In A Cell Preview… Sean & Shawn Show Style. But first, I’ve got a question. Is it me, or shouldn’t an event titled Hell In A Cell have more than two Hell In A Cell matches? That’s always grinded my gears. Ugh.
“Father” SEAN FARRELL: Because Hells in the Cells sounds like a late 90’s Metal album?
SHAWN: Does anyone actually care about these four? They’ve dragged this Zack Ryder heel turn out so frickin long that I don’t even care about it anymore. Just let it happen already. And why wasn’t Chad Gable, Kurt’s son again? God, I’m glad this one is on the pre-show. Gable & Benjamin will win and Mojo will get beat senseless by the internet sensation. Thankfully.
SEAN: Well at least Chad Gable is more than a hot-tag in a singlet. There was a time I liked Mojo — but wasn’t ready for the main event. That is until Vince found out he was buddies with Gronk and wanted him to appear at Mania. Didn’t Otunga get moved up thanks to his wife actually being good at her chosen profession? It’s great to see Shelton back in WWE. But the tag team division is terrible, especially on SD. Gable & Shel win and Mojo v Zack will “WooWooWoo!” it up on more KickOff Shows until frosted tips come back into style.
SHAWN: Hey Sean, the Fashion Police are back!! I’m psyched. This alone will make sure that Hell In A Cell is H. Whatever that actually means. I’m hoping we get an end of this “investigation” so the Fashion Police can set their sites on the Smackdown Tag Team Titles, as they should. Now that I think about it, I don’t really care at all who trashed their office. Just get these guys back in the ring and give Smackdown the right to remain stylish already.
SEAN: “I’m looking forward to the backstage segment!” What a rousing endorsement. They are entertaining for sure but it’s essentially a time waster.
SHAWN: Ugh… Does anyone want to see Rusev v. Orton, AGAIN??? I don’t even think Randy wants to see it. He said himself he’s sick of playing the babyface. How many times do we have to see the same feuds rehashed over and over and over again? Rusev went from unstoppable to nothing more than a joke and Randy… well he’s about as stale at that guy you just can’t see. At least one of them knows it. Hopefully, the Bulgarian Brute puts an end to Orton once and for all and we see a different Viper return… hopefully, with a fresh start on RAW and a fresh gimmick.
SEAN: Speaking of time wasters… remember when Rusev had a push and some momentum behind him? He had Lana by his side and was crushing everyone in front of him. Then they turned Lana into a cookiecutter Pre-Women’s Revolution Diva Wannabe Wrestler. Rusev got a haircut and some heat for actually marrying Lana. Ever since he’s been jobbed out and now stuck in a feud with Randy “the Cooler” Orton. I got bored just thinking about this match. Welcome HeadlockVille Rusev, hope you don’t legit fall asleep during this beer break of a fight.
SHAWN: I can’t lie, I kind of dig this new Dolph character. He’s a total jerk and one of the best heels on the show right now. Outside of that, I can’t stand him at all. He’s bland and a rip off of so many other guys before him. But at least they’re not trying to get us to cheer for him. I don’t really know what they’re doing here though. If you’re repacking Ziggler for one more run, why would you put him against Roode? I guess his one more run will be as an enhancement talent. Oh well. I, for one, won’t be disappointed in the slightest. In fact, I think the ending of this one will be completely GLOOOOORIOUS!!!!
SEAN: Few years ago this match would have been a Fantasy Match. Dolph v Roode? Both these guys can go. Dolph sadly has what was once called X-Pac heat. He’s been YoYo’ed so damn much I’m shocked he’s not losing to Rusev. Roode has finally made it to the big show and he will not squander this opportunity. Sorry ‘bout your damn luck, cowboy; Roode gets a strong debut main level match.
SHAWN: Usually I’m excited for AJ matches, but this time we get the Phenomenal One versus the Boring One. Didn’t we already do this before? Baron Snorebin. What this lacks in charisma… ummm… nevermind. This IS the house that AJ Styles built and he IS the face that runs the place and the champ who runs the camp, but can we please give him some actual challengers?? Tye Dillinger? Borin Snorebin? God. Smackdown really needs a superstar shake up. Like yesterday. At least we can expect the “Phenomenal” AJ Styles to walk out still your United States Champion.
SEAN: Corbin was also pulled up from NXT too soon. He’s been floundering since he came up. He won the Andre Battle Whatever and lost his MItB Case like a fool. I’d much rather watch AJ vs The Perfect Ten. Just make this quick AJ.
SHAWN: Aaaaaaawww!! Sean!!. Don’t you DARE be sour!! Finally a match I can get behind!!! The New Day and the Usos have had some of the best matches of 2017 as far as the WWE goes. On some Day One Ish. I still think they’re match at Battleground is a match of the year contender, personally. This one is going to steal the show and, in my opinion, should be the main event of the night. I mean, it won’t be, because Shane is a gloryhound, but whatever. The New Day NEVER fails to entertain and I’ve got nothing but good things to say about the Usos since they dropped the paint and the dancing Samoan routine. Sunday night, the New Day will enter the Uso penitentiary but I think it’ll be the Usos serving hard time as the New Day retains the titles. Regardless of the outcome, you can leave the Booty O’s in the back because this match will definitely NOT be booty.
SEAN: Oh look, it’s the Uso’s. Again. These two make me miss the Colon’s. New Day’s Freebird Gimmick has run it’s course. I think it’s time to call it a day. Retire the SD Tag Titles and just pretend this entire division didn’t exist. When a cage match doesn’t get my blood going? Ya know it’s deader than disco. Catch phrase, catch phrase, crowd sing-a-long, whatever… Day one Ish? I still don’t know what that means, nor do I care to.
SHAWN: Is it just me or does the Smackdown women’s roster need some help?? Charlotte is a Flair so you know she’ll always be in the title picture. But other than that Magic the Gathering ripoff, Becky Lynch, are there even any other faces on this show?? Nattie has earned her spot on the roster by putting her time in but I think it’s time to move this division on and do something fresh… In other words, cash in that Money In the Bank briefcase and put the title on the Princess of Staten Island already. I think HIAC is the perfect time to do it. I’m sure Nattie and Charlotte will give us a classic women’s match just based on their pedigree, but in the end I see Charlotte winning herself another championship as she chases the greatness that is her father; but after Natalya snaps and beats her all around the ring, post match, I fully expect to see Carmella finally cash that briefcase in and make her ascent to the top of the Smackdown Women’s division. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!!
SEAN: When Carmella is the best option, you might as well be in the Tag Team Division. SD does the best they can with what they’re given. But man alive do they need some fresh blood. Sorry Nattie and Flair; you’re both great performers who are about to be outshined by Enzo in a push up bra. Let that sink in.
SHAWN: Make it stop. Please. Pretty please? … No. Not the Modern Day Maharaja. Keep him coming. I love that guy. Stop with this Artist known as Shinsuke Nakamura thing. First off, THIS is the reason we need to bring back managers. Nakamura is God awful on the mic and downright painful to listen to. The guy can get it done in the ring but unfortunately the WWE is more than ringwork. I get it. He’s eccentric. That’s what they’re going for right? Well give him a manager and let him just do what he does best… be eccentric in the ring. His promos are just unbearable already. He looks like he’s in pain struggling to spit the words out of his mouth. I’m in pain everytime I watch him with a microphone. I don’t want to see this guy with the WWE title around his waist until they either get him on Hooked on Phonics or realize that the guy needs a manager to be his mouthpiece. Sure, the Shinsuke marks will hate that I’m saying this, but it’s the truth. Get over it. Luckily, there’s a tour of India coming up so I don’t see them taking the belt off of the New American Dream. Moral of the story… Don’t Hinder Jinder.
SEAN: Shinsuke has yet to connect with the main roster. He can be great. But this isn’t the program for him. From his debut when he interrupted The Miz NOTHING came of that. Miz going to RAW really botched up the SD roster. Damn you Miz. Poor Jinder. The title is ICE COLD and all signs are pointing to Jinder holding this gold until at least December. He needs to start winning cleanly and actually dominating his opponents.. Where’s John Cena when we really need him? (Editor’s Note: With me, shooting a bzzzz.. movie) Enough of the cheap xenophobic heat guys. This isn’t 1987.
SHAWN: Shane-O versus K.O. In a falls count anywhere, Hell In A Cell Match. I always thought HIAC was a falls count anywhere match to begin with. Oh well. This week we saw Shane and Kevin go at it in the concession area. Expect more of this on Sunday. More importantly, expect some type of absolutely insane spot from Shane, somewhere in the Little Caesar’s Arena. I’m wondering if it’s going to be something live or if they’re going to pre-record the spot. It’ll be interesting to see. I’m a K.O. personally, but I have to give credit to that gloryhound, Shane McMahon. The kid can still put on one hell of a match and put ANYONE over. I’m pretty sure, Shane versus Ellsworth would be a four star match. This is the one I’m least sure about. I’m more than confident that Owens is on his way back to RAW, but I’m not sure how. Will we see Triple H or Stephanie interject themselves into this match? That would certainly be an interesting twist, wouldn’t it? Will the boss make another appearance after getting split open by Owens on Smackdown? I’m going with some type of shocking finish that helps K.O. get the win and sets up his return to Monday nights in the near future.
SEAN: No good will come from this. If KO wins, what logical explanation is there for KO to stay on SD? So let’s move him AGAIN. Ugh. Almost as bad as being Yo-Yo’ed. Go the other way and let say he loses to Shane–a part time, never was, spot monkey. Yeah that’ll really elevate the active talent. Sort of like when Owens had that great match against Goldberg, that did WONDERS for Owens’ push. So, I guess Owens wins? I expect Zayn to get involved because, why not? He’s not busy nor is he going anywhere. Whoopie friggin’ doo. It’s HIAC and I just don’t care. This entire card gets a C- and that’s grading on a curve. The wrestling will be good to great as always. But the booking for RIGHT NOW and not for Tomorrow is why the product is a bit cold right now. Save us HHH, and hurry!