Shawn Puff: Welp, it’s that time of the year again. Time to pack your bags and start on the road to Wrestlemania. And the first stop this year is Houston, Texas for the annual disappointment known as the Royal Rumble. Two 30 man/woman over the top royal rumble battle royales (with cheese) filled with surprises we weren’t hoping for and black people doing circus spots like that damn dancing frog.
Shawn: Now we know why this was on the preshow. Shorty G is the most embarrassing thing. … oh wait, there’s the whole Rusev thing. … anyway, nobody cared about this one. Sheamus did what everyone expected. Bleh. –
2.5/5
Sean Farrell: Well, if you’re going to test Sheamus’ ring cardio, having “Shorty G” put you through your paces is a solid pick. Sadly Gable is wasted here yet again. Usually, there is that one half of a tag team that you wish would break away and be a huge solo star – Gable was all the personality of American Alpha. But solo he’s been just….wasted. Glad that the Original Irish Ass Kicker is back but man this match was shorter than this paragraph. – 2.5/5
Andrade v Humberto Carrillo
Shawn: They always misplace matches. This is the misplaced match of the Rumble. This will probably steal the entire show when it’s all said and done. That hurricanrana off the top was definitely a spot of the night material. Humberto couldn’t get the job done but I’m sure this feud is far from over. Hopefully next time it’s not relegated to the preshow and more people actually see it so it can get the bibles it deserves. – 3.5/5
Sean: A stellar match that was missed due to being on the Pre-Show. These two worked hard, told a hell of a story plus a few daredevil spots that made you sit up and say wow. Their feud isn’t over yet as they continue to make the US Title relevant again. – 3/5
Roman Reigns v King Corbin
Shawn: God. Roman and Corbin. Sean, do you need a beer? Well, we knew this thing was going to end somewhere near the dugout right? The worst part about this whole thing is we have to see these two later on in the rumble. Ugh. … the one positive, we didn’t get a built-in dogfood commercial tonight. – 2.5/5
Sean: Who. Flippin’. Cares? This match was first and fast giving Roman plenty of time to rest up so he can win the Rumble tonight so we get Roman v The Fiend at Mania. – 1/5
Shawn: Holy crap. I knew this was going to be a shitshow but I didn’t expect Beth Phoenix to almost die! Santino… I mean Santina showing up! Molly frickin Holly! No Lita! No Trish! No Mickie! We need Ronda back. Stop trolling us on Twitter, Ronda. Not cool. Time for more beer. – 2/5
Sean: That was…. something. A lot of women worked hard, one too many comedy spots and a predictable #30 and a predictable winner. Most of the competition was from the NXT brands since they don’t even HAVE 30 women between Raw and SD to fill out this ring. Well, none of the women are allowed to do double duty I guess. The Women’s Revolution is officially over. Beth Phoenix, Bianca Belair and a few other women gave all that they had to give but in the end, it was handed to Flair since Ronda isn’t ready to come back yet. – 2.5/5
Bayley v Lacey Evans
Shawn: Oh hey, it’s Karen. Oh. My bad. That’s just Bayley. Why are we even having this match? Does anybody actually care? Why hasn’t someone pointed out that Lacey Evans isn’t actually that good? Why does she bring her daughter to every show? Should we call child services on someone who dresses their kid like that? All of these are fair questions to ask right now. – 1.5/5
Sean: Once upon a time I would go out of my way to not miss a Bayley match. Those days are gone. The feud has zero heat and I think Bayley’s heel turn has run its course. Lacey brings her daughter to work every day? Good for her. Lots of folks do that because they have too. Not just for a reaction. – 1.5/5
Daniel Bryan v The Fiend
Shawn: HEY LOOK!! No stupid red light for the Fiend’s match. Well, there’s a positive to pull from this show. Remember when people cared about The American Dragon? … Let me stop. This match had so much more potential then it showed. I don’t know if the aura of the Fiend is wearing off or if people were just antsy for another Rumble, but something just didn’t feel right about this one. They went out there and put in work, but it just felt flat. Maybe it was the fans. Maybe they need to bring back that stupid red light. – 3/5
Sean: Look, the American Dragon looks like he’s back, but man was this match also underwhelming. This entire show has been underwhelming. I’m bored with the Fiend and no matter what Bryan did to the Fiend he just kept coming. Bryan even choked the Fiend while in the LeBell Lock with the strap! Y’all remember when DB legit got FIRED for doing that to Cena on WWE programming? In the end, they worked hard but this crowd just wants to get to the Men’s Rumble and be disappointed when Titus O’Neil is #30. – 3/5 on the work rate alone.
Asuka v Becky Lynch
Shawn: OK. This was the match my girlfriend wanted to see. I can’t blame her. And what a match it was. Of course, she thinks it’s because it’s her three favorite females put there. I’ll let her have this one. Remember when I said Andrade v Humberto might be the match of the night? Yeah. That was before this match happened. I am more than bored with Becky Lynch but when she’s put with someone else who can work (not Lacey Evans) she still puts out gold. Asuka is waifu so there isn’t much more to say there. I wish we could just see this match over and over again and I bet it would just keep getting better. – 4/5
Sean: These two warriors beat the hell out of each other. If this was in Japan You-Know-Who would give it all the stars. Becky Lynch rights a wrong that never should have happened at last year’s RR. This was to me, the best match of the night (so far). Asuka went for the mist, blew up in her face (literally) and Becky capitalized and has cleared the way for her feud with -ugh- Flair. Again. – 4/5
Shawn: Well that was definitely not disappointing. I’m flabbergasted. And maybe slightly buzzed. Did they actually give us the Rumble we wanted? Wow. My girlfriend is even excited because her fellow Scotsman won. I feel like they wasted a lot of good talent and potential great spots (Kofi) to tell the Brock story. But in the end, it was all worth it for that payoff. Drew McIntyre finally wins the Rumble and takes his spot as the new face of RAW. And now we don’t have to worry about sitting through Roman v the Fiend or Cain Velazquez or Tyson Fury v Brock at Mania. HOLY SHIT!! I’m actually excited for the main event at Mania!! – 4/5
Sean: This was a tale of two Rumbles. For the first half, it was the Brock show. Man after man, over the top they went. Some fun stuff with Shelton Benjamin, and a legit WTF when Keith Lee and Brock went face to face. Then Braun showed up. Then Ricochet and then Drew. Once Brock was eliminated the “real” rumble began. Star after star arrived. The huge return was not the Second City Savior (sorry y’all) but it was the Rated R Superstar EDGE! Looking every bit of 11 years older but still a spear’ing machine. The second half of the match had all the drama and excitement that a Rumble is supposed to have. Seth and his stooges showed up at 30 trying to upset the apple cart. But in the end, the Chosen One finally has his shot at the WWE Title. – 4.5/5 because it was great in the end but it was a long-ass road to get there.
It’s officially “Point at the Mania sign” season!
Shawn: Wow. That’s all I can say right now. An underwhelming show with a great ending. This show was probably 2.5 bibles at best save for Becky v waifu and the Rumble. The men’s Rumble that is. At the end of the day, we’re giving this year’s edition of the Royale with Cheese a solid 3.25/5 Bibles… and we’re officially on the long bumpy road to Wrestlemania.
-Sean Farrell & Shawn Puff