Max Payne, Talon Pane, Osteo.. Pain.

No matter how physically gifted, how washboard abby, how aggresive and spunky the new era of professional wrestling gets, most fans cannot resist clasping onto the aura of our grandfatherly past. And, with that, elderly chaps Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair still proudly walk that aisle(!), say their prayers, and chew their Cialis.

Now, Hollywood Thunderlips and the limosine-ridin’, jet-flyin’ 236-time world heavyweight champ cut perhaps their finest together-promo in ages at last month’s TNA PPV, Lethal Lockdown. And while it rocked half the hillbillies in Nashville that night, their legacy is surely to finish off better than Brett Favre’s. Wrestling has that ability to become talk-first, action-second, giving guys who can barely stand on their best day the ability to take over an entire bingo hall of hooligans. Whoooooooooo!!!!!

So, how do you transition from “Thunder in ‘Nursing Home’ Paradise” to a Batman comic book? You don’t. But on this glorious Tuesday afternoon’s mass, I will. Because you attended. You searched for peace. And you found it with that movie starring a star-spangled oaf with shrinking purple jeans who tosses hammers and hides maxim models in his closet while spying on.. himself. And it’s my job, it’s the church’s job, it’s JESUS’s job to get you exciting for something else.

Sadly, Suzy, you’ve got a long way to go before July 18.

: Looks like the “Owlsmobile” could use another exhaust.

But, yo, since the animated “Beware the Batman” — DC’s newest take on meshing The Incredibles with their Warner heroes, yo — isn’t out yet, either, yo, the best way to get ready for The Dark Knight Rises is with the source material itself…nah-mean. Take a sneak peak at “Night of the Owls,” the latest storyline that spreads across the entire Batman comic family. If bats fear anything besides the hosts of “The View,” it’s owls; so it only makes sense that Bruce’s ancestors’ former business partners’ sons and nephews go a hootin’ and a hollerin’.

Batman #9, Batman & Robin #9, Batgirl #9, and Bat Moody #9 all out tomorrow at fine local comic book shops everywhere but Saskatchewan.

Or click here, you spoiled iPad/Kindle hipsters.

Now, with E3 — the world’s premier video game trade expo — less than a month away (long lines, strippers and game designers, oh my!), gamers who just put the finishing touches on Mass Effect 3 (and really enjoyed its ending!), Skyrim (and really enjoyed all the bugs!), and, no, people who play MW3 won’t stop because they’ll die, are gearing up for the summer’s hottest games and those to follow. While I’m anxious for a little GTA 5 — it’s in Vinewood, Los Santos, after all…… — Max Payne 3 is this evening’s divine delicacy.

For the most part, Max loses the pretty Punisher hair and noir-feel of the previous games. Now, he’s an irascibly overcaffeinated tow-truck driver (I know) who’s watched a little too much Jet Li.

In Brazil.

Miguel simplesmente não tenho tempo para chutar o traseiro de ninguém marion!

-Moody

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