Transformers Archives - Page 7 of 7

March 16, 2016March 16, 2016

MOCKINGBIRD / TRANSFORMERS / DETECTIVE COMICS / A&A [Review]: More Than Meets The Eye.

MOCKINGBIRD #1 - Marvel — **MOCKINGBIRD #1** – Marvel

"Reverend" Ryan Ford @nayrdrof — “Reverend” Ryan Ford
@nayrdrof

Stop whatever you are doing, invent a time machine to travel to the release of Mockingbird #5 and please tell me WHERE IN THE NAME OF HOLY HELL THE PING-PONG BALLS ARE GOING!!! But in all seriousness, go out and pick up a copy of Mockingbird #1. By far, this is one of the most intelligent, insightful and insane pieces to grace the newsstands, virtual or tangible.

Writer Chelsea Cain weaves a bold new look for a once minor character, giving her fantastic extensions without dying her roots. While Barbara “Bobbi” Morse can still hogtie criminals with Gordian knots, her chemical romance seems to be making her more human than human. Blending a few shots of Infinity formula with a super soldier serum taken straight out of the ice makes a frozen concoction that helps me hang on… the edge of my seat as I eagerly await the next issue. The story is incredibly crafted, using the right amount of TLC to make the WTF seems as simple as ABC. More accurately, it’s easy as Pi. With so many layers, this puzzle box forces one to read and reread, uncovering new treasures on every pass.

Speaking of treasures, artist Kate Niemczyk is a true gem,
incorporating action and irreverence into one fantastic panel after another. From the Kubrick carpet to the Cthulhu crew-neck, the optical Easter eggs are like candy from a windowless van for the mind’s eye. Not to be dismissed is color artist Rachelle Rosenberg. She hits the tone right in the bull’s-eye, almost as if her color palate was stolen from Clint Barton’s quiver. They are like a visual Voltron, forming ferociously from Cain’s material. All together, Mockingbird #1 is a refreshing work of light-hearted intensity that will tickle your neurons and question your health coverage.

TRANSFORMERS #50 - IDW — **TRANSFORMERS #50** – IDW

"Apostle" Lance Paul @Lance_Paul — “Apostle” Lance Paul
@Lance_Paul

With More Than Meets The Eye #50 touching upon this week, your Traveling Nerd Apostle decided to reflect back at last month’s Transformers #50. Why? Because GodHatesGeeks is why.

This double-sized ish begins a brave new story, “All Hail Optimus,” which takes Prime’s decision to withdraw from planet Earth. Splintering and falling apart (along with Galvatron’s constant aggression), OP plants his flag and takes the Earth under his protection. Yet, how will Earth take to a new overlord only recently finding freedom from Megatron’s dictatorship?

John Barber (Ultimate X-Men, Ultimate Fantastic Four) does an excellent job painting the Transformer’s world in shades of political gray, which seems like perfect timing. After “All Hail Magetron,” IDW did away with the good vs. evil of the Transformers world, instead painting characters with true paradigms of virtue and evil with in-between allegiances. For example, you have usual Decepticon Soundwave who just wants to live in peace having recently being duped by Galvatron. Or even Prime, who has never lost his freedom-loving goals, deals with the guilt and feeling of responsibility for poor choices that have had bad reactions. Barber implores impressive rationale for all characters, allowing you to side with even the most wrong of choices.

This milestone issue is also very well written and paced, making a superb jumping on place for new and old robot fans. And yet while the larger issue does include a ton of various inkers and colorists, ‘Formers #50 is fully illustrated by the talented Andrew Griffith (G.I. JOE). He draws tight emotional scenes with impressive panel arrangement and dynamic scenes of cinematic horror.

See you next month when I finally pick up the right Transformers #50 that came out last week. 4.25/5 Robo Thumbs Up!

DETECTIVE COMICS #50 - DC — **DETECTIVE COMICS #50** – DC

"Pontif" Tony Pattawon @thepattawontron — “Pontif” Tony Pattawon
@thepattawontron

What makes a person a hero? What makes a person “sacrifice” themselves for ideas bigger than themselves? Do some grow up wanting, learning and training themselves to be a hero? Does it just happen from a random occurrence in time? Are heroes born and bred out of blood? Or…can anyone become a hero?

As Jim Gordon continues the mantle of Batman in Gotham — while Bruce gets over his Post-Traumatic Joker syndrome — Detective Comics #50 sets him on the case of a very peculiar and conflicted serial killer. Writer Peter J. Tomasi (Green Lantern Corps) really puts the reader in the mind of a homicide detective, as readers try to figure out the killer’s motives along with Gordan; yeah–I still can’t get myself to call him “Batman”. It’s a classic suspense tale of serial killer “pattern following”, with Gordan continuing to track the killer through landmarks until he bestows upon that final piece: Heroes–people who become heroic from circumstance.

However, Gordan still has to figure out the “why.” Why is this mad man targeting these heroes? Once you read and discover the killer’s purpose, you’ll realize just how much this guy has lost his grip with reality. If nothing else in D.C. #50, the messes you’ll be cleaning will likely have you pondering why “God hates geeks”. 4/5 Bibles.

**A&A: THE ADVENTURES OF ARCHER & ARMSTRONG #1** – Valiant

Luke "Heirophant" Anderson IG @LUKEPOISONER — Luke “Heirophant” Anderson
IG @LUKEPOISONER

Friends, I bring tremendous news: history’s most depraved, super-strong, immortal reprobate Armstrong; and the world’s most naïve — yet dangerous — psiot Archer return to our comic store stands this week with Valiant’s A&A: The Adventures of Archer & Armstrong #1!

Yes, the best comic, from the best comics publisher, is back; and I know that most of you couldn’t be happier.

Long have we wondered what happens next for our daring duo since their hilarious crossover with Quantum and Woody, and after their vital contribution to the forces of The Valiant, and now we know: Armstrong gets drunk, climbs into his magical bottomless satchel looking for some priceless Islay Whisky, and Archer has to climb in after him. It’s a story we can all relate to.

Rafer Roberts (Plastic Farm, X-O Manowar) ably picks up from previous Archer and Armstrong scribe Fred Van Lente, imbuing the characters with every bit of dysfunction we’ve come to love. This is all writ large across the vibrant and action-packed splash panels and stylised, sharp-edged lines of the artwork of David Lafuente (Ultimate Comics: Spider-Man). It’s all cartoonish good fun, as Armstrong is a man on a mission, seemingly oblivious to the ancient threats poised to exact revenge for when he banished them to the bottom of his satchel.

Lafuente’s Spider-Man pedigree is on display neatly, with Archer’s acrobatic fight moves popping off the page, and goblins aplenty adorning the landscape. As usual from Valiant, this is great stuff and I’ll need more, possibly in the next few days, maybe even before this one wears off. Without a hint of exaggeration, I can assure you that buying this comic book will essentially be the best decision you’ve ever made. I mean; will it make you rich? Unlikely, especially if you keep spending money on comics. Will it cure you of disease? Probably not, you’ll still die somehow. Will you learn much from it? Definitely not; it’s a bit silly.

See what I mean? It’s perfect.

Valiant’s A&A #1 is on sale this Wednesday, March 16th.

March 8, 2015March 8, 2015

TRANSFORMERS (1986) vs. G.I. JOE (1987) [Q&A / Review]: “I’ve got better things to do tonight than die!”

Thanks to our friends at the American Cinematheque (at the world famous Egyptian Theatre) and fellow blog Dammaged Goods, your Monsignor was able to recollect 25+ years of memories last night with a double feature of The Transformers: The Movie (1986) and G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987).

Yeah, I’m that damn flipping old.

Good thing is, none of our fine — and often super funny — panelists felt that way during the historic event’s Q&A on Saturday night in Hollywood; and GodHatesGeeks has the screening intermission here for ya in its entirety.

Enjoy listening to all the goods from all the greats in our SoundCloud player below, with the likes of Bill Ratner (voice of Flint, Mass Effect), Michael Bell (voice of Duke, Prowl), Pro Wrestling Hall of Famer Hank Garrett (Dial Tone), and writers Buzz Dixon, Flint Dille, Donald F. Glut, Neil Ross (Springer, Shipwreck), Joe storyboard director Larry Houston and director Don Jurwich. Cobra-la-la-la-la-la-la!!!

https://soundcloud.com/travis-moody-2/gi-joe-and-transformers-q-and-a

Hope you enjoyed that!

Now, onto my little Sambo Animation Face-Off. While there have been several comics depicting both Hasbro/IDW Comics properties going tooth, screwgun and nail against each other in the past, one has to wonder why we haven’t yet witnessed the crossover in animation or even live feature yet (well certainly the latter is due to the films being bad, for the most part)– besides this one moment…

Surely last night, The Transformers had the honorable distinction of going first– which allowed for two completely unfair disadvantages: A.) Geeks who really hate G.I. Joe (then wtf would you be here… i.e. G.I. Schmoe?) could creep out faster than Blur’s micromachinemotormouth once the wondrous Q&A was all over, or B.) Fangirls and boys who actually had to work late the night before or work all day (such as myself and the Queen Bri through a rigorous commercial shoot downtown), were a little lazy-eyed once the second billing hit just after 10 p.m.

True, despite how ridiculously awesome it was to see both of these 80s classics for the very first time, considering I hadn’t watched these flicks since they released in the theater, I was having a ton of trouble staying awake enough to see Cobra Commander squirm like a dying centipede. Thankfully, the Egyptian Theater was jam-packed enough and the audience was as raucous as one could be for a throwback animated flick setting. Claps were awarded for every ridiculous moment during both movies (the Credits listing “Sgt. Slaughter as Sgt. Slaughter“; basically, anything Starscream said. And, illustrator/podcaster Pat Loika was absolutely correct in saying that “the first 5-minutes of G.I. Joe: The Movie is still the best 5-minutes of G.I. Joe: The Movie.”

That opening sequence was enough to buy me enough awake time heading toward’s the Pac’s Time final hour.

When it comes to animation, Transformers appears to be a tad more dated than Joe‘s — despite the films were only made 1-year apart — but they were definitely far more, well, astronomical. Complicated gears and mechanisms were far more instrinsic to the aura of ‘Formers than the run-and-gun simplicity of the Cobras; it’s sort of like comparing Jack Kirby to Jim Lee. One is only prettier if you don’t look into it long enough and actually feel it. After 10-minutes, the art of Transformers: The Movie still holds up. It makes me wonder what would happen if former music video director Michael Bay actually shot his Transformers films like a music video.

Sure that level of intensity would cost more than a season of Game of Thrones, but the Autobots and Decepticons would be so much more enjoyable this way.

Now, if there was any conflict I had with the 1986 cartoon film (in other words, I’m just being nitpicky here), it’s the music. It’s one-half Journey rip-off/one-half Capcom Arcade game running throughout ‘Formers, with some terribly placed music cues; whereas G.I. Joe: The Movie did a slightly better job at placing all of the impending gloom and doom. The soundtrack to Joe is far more subtle. But, of course, both theme songs are to die for; and, after a while, the arcady feel of Transformers starts to become slightly hypnotic. Listening to both movies, especially ALL THAT CHEESE is a treat.

"Why don't you and your friends get together with me and my friends-- and sheeett, we can do this together every night. Aight?" — “Why don’t you and your friends get together with me and my friends– and sheeett, we can do this together every night. Aight?”

The funny thing about these movies (hahaha, OK; everything is funny about these movies) is that the stars of the movies don’t even receive top billing. No– the little then known voice actors, like, uhhh, Peter Cullen, weren’t even billed; yet, instead some actor from some movie Citizen Kane (and the man who had people leaping off buildings in fear of a just another Skrull invasion), Orson Welles, and our late friend Leonard Nimoy (who you can absolutely read all about right here), took the nameplates, despite the fact they played some villains who didn’t even have the name Megatron. Same went for the Joes, when Mr. Miami Vice a.k.a. The Colonel received his name in lights for Lt. Falcon, despite the fact that both Duke and Flint had his ass in rank. Hey, it’s show business. The voice work on both movies was incredible.

Now, onto believability. Ha– I kid. I kid. It’s the 80s, and you’ll see things like men turn into snakes who were once men; robots having mustaches; men who go into coma from snake bites to the heart (I swear, man!); cassette tape robot dogs or cassette tapes that turn into robot dogs or cassette tapes or robot dogs are just awesome; Gamora was originally lavender; cartoon robot toys that we played with at 5-11 years old using the S-word; Fishticons! Sharkticons! BBoyticons!; and wasn’t the last time we saw “Astro Train” in action on WCW Saturday Night?

Regardless of all of the ridiculousness (and my unfortunate late-night Z’s) both of these films deserve…

4.75 (out of 5) Bibles. — **4.75** (out of 5) Over-the-Top Bibles.

….because, hey, me Moody no BOZO! Me Moody KING!

Wish you were all there.

July 24, 2014July 25, 2014

STORM #1 / RAGNAROK #1 / TRANSFORMERS VS. GI JOE / ARMOR HUNTERS: BLOODSHOT #1 [Reviews]: The (im)Perfect Storm

The Congregation of Cool is called to order! And today The Parish brings forth yet another installment of FISTFUL OF COMICS!

Wednesdays are a Holy Day, True Believers — New Comics Day — and we’re up here in the pulpit and ready to preach! This particular FOC is even mores special, because this FOC is set against the backdrop of The Holiest of Holy Holidays in Geekdom… The San Diego Comic Con!

And while many of our priests in the GHG High Order have bravely pilgrimaged to that Mecca to bring you, our loyal readers, all the latest news, spoilers, and gossip, from the hallowed halls, the rest of us left behind have delved into the shelves for what’s new this week to hit you with the good, the bad, the ugly, and the unreadable! IT’S FOC! STORM #1

Storm #1 - Marvel Comics — **Storm #1** – Marvel Comics

Let me begin by saying singer-songwriter Johnny Nash would be proud. Because Ororo Munroe (a.k.a. “Storm”) has made the rain gone and she can see all obstacles in her way. Which is apparently the storytelling apparatus in Storm #1. Which is a problem.

Frankly, for a first issue for the weather goddess and former Queen of Wakanda, I expected better. As one of the most powerful mutants to ever exist, this premiere episode fell a little short of what could be. Whilst simultaneous juggling the duties of headmistress at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning, our eponymous superhero also has to deal with the complexities of being a teenage girl whom society has rejected… AGAIN. If that sounds like Groundhog Day, dress Bill Murray up in blue fur and give Andie MacDowell a Mohawk, because I’m pretty certain Storm and Jubilee had the same conversation in the early ’90’s.

But as far as the episode goes, Greg Pak (Iron Man: House of M) and Victor Ibanez (Zatanna) have created a compelling segment that might even be a bit cerebral for the casual viewer. Yet, for the die-hard fanboy in all of us, it’s still a nail-biter. Done up in the same Mohawk Wolverine came to love in the future, this version of Storm is fully a woman.

May you hear her roar.

Logan's got Jungle Fever... — Logan’s got Jungle Fever…

The dynamics of this issue dwell in the inherent knowledge of the character, from where she’s been to where she is. And for a casual reader, this may pose a problem, as Ororo may come across as bitchy [to her students], with no justification. What she does provide, however, is the sense that girls can achieve everything they want and more!… I mean, the X-Men have no leader! Whatever… For the cannon that has been espoused previously, I bestow upon thee, Storm #1, a rating of 2, at best. Yet, giving teenage girls a role model they will rally behind. AND become new subscribers… I give thee a 4. Therefore!, all in all, Storm #1 has conjured a rating of 3 Bibles out of a possible 5. Not quite a tempest, but this Reverend will continue preach the Gospel of Xavier. This is Reverend Ryan Ford saying “The best is yet to come.” —Ryan Ford

RAGNAROK #1

"Vicar" Alex Gradet @gradet — “Vicar” Alex Gradet @gradet

Walt Simonson (Thor) returns to the fantasy genre with IDW’s Ragnarok #1, a Norse myth epic that, despite the story’s ambitious scale, manages to keep its emotional core compact and potent. Cards on the table, though: the fantasy end of the sci-fi/fantasy genre has never really been my bag, so take my opinions as those of a layman, and with a grain of salt. The beautifully-drawn prologue details an apocalyptic battle of gods and monsters, before the action shifts to the affairs of dark elves, Brynja and Regn, as they try to balance new parenthood with careers as assassins (shades of Saga‘s Alanna and Marko here). Soon, loving mother/stone-cold badass, Brynja, is off on a mission to kill a long-dead god… And this is where fantasy stories tend to lose me. However the stakes are these: Brynja’s success on her mission will bring immortality to her daughter. Failure will bring an “eternity in torment,” which is where fantasy stories tend to reel me back in. Back home, Brynja’s daughter dreams of the supposedly long-dead god Brynja’s mission is carrying her toward. Simonson paces the not-inconsiderable world-building well, and he has a flinty protagonist in Brynja. But even as a single chapter, it all feels a little wanting. All foreboding, and no stakes. Of course it’s hard to judge a book by its first issue, but it’s even harder when your main incentive to keep reading is to figure out by context just what the hell is going on. —Alex Gradet

TRANSFORMERS VS. GI JOE

"Father" Joe Tower @whateverjoe — “Father” Joe Tower @whateverjoe

OK. First things first. I get it. I get the joke. But it’s a stupid joke. Now I’m sure there is, in fact, a version of this joke in a time and a place where it was a teeny bit funny. But its heyday, I think, was long before everybody who is doing anything started finding the trend in being all “self-referential,” and shit. Which, in itself, is probably an editorial for a different article, but what do I know? I just unnecessarily used quotations when I typed the words self-referential. The point is, Transformers vs. G.I. Joe would be a fine comic if the layout of the arc of the story in the aforementioned comic that surrounds the joke at the center of said comic — i.e. Transformers vs. GI Joe, the joke at the center being, ahem, that THE TRANSFORMERS are VERSUS, ahem, THE GI JOES — wasn’t just SUCH A STUPID JOKE. For all the potential there is for parody in here, and for all the attempts at flourishing pastiche, any aims into the kind of irreverent humor this is all begging for felt off-the-mark. I mean there are glimpses of it — for example, every character and/or vehicle in the comic is identical to its real-life Hasbro action figure counterpart — but they’re mostly just wasted opportunities. Bottom line: this comic doesn’t take itself seriously SO MUCH that I can’t take it not taking itself seriously so much, seriously. Get me? I mean, even Tom Scioli’s (Godland) art does what I’m sure it’s meant to do and creates a visual landscape that ALSO doesn’t take itself seriously. On which a story that doesn’t take itself seriously can play out NOT TAKING ITSELF SERIOUSLY. And, given my review so far, I get that all of this seriouslessness is probably deliberate, but that doesn’t make it any good. —Joe Tower

Transformers vs. GI Joe = 2 (out of 5) Bibles

ARMOR HUNTERS: BLOODSHOT #1

"Heirophant" Luke @LUKEPOISONER — “Heirophant” Luke
@LUKEPOISONER

Valiant’s nascent tradition of spectacular summer cross-overs continues with this premiere issue. The second mini-series launched off the back of their Armor Wars Event, it throws Bloodshot, the human weapon, into the fray against high-tech aliens and their biological terror weapons. Yup. Armor Wars, itself, revolves around X-O Manowar, but this side-chapter sees extra-terrestrial monitoring agency, M.E.R.O., recruiting the nanite-powered, combat-and-hacking powerhouse, Bloodshot, to help defend their facility from powerful aliens in a sentient warship seeking to rescue one of their own taken captive. As high-concept as ever, Valiant’s strengths are all on display here, with wildly imaginative science-fiction seamlessly blending with high-octane militaristic action sequences. Add to this Trevor Hairsine‘s (Ultimate Six) “Joe Kubert-esque” line work

and you have a comic that’s like a manga version of an old Sgt. Rock issue. Joe Harris (Great Pacific) writes the fast-paced superhero siege story with the usual energetic aplomb. Perhaps my only question is whether Harris was intentionally riffing off DC’s Amanda Waller with his depiction of M.E.R.O. head, Colonel Capshaw, as the resemblance is more than just passing. It’s an apt comparison too, if any geeks out there are looking for a more coherent story than Suicide Squad or recent X-Force arcs. And for more wildly imaginative stories than either of the “Big Two” have published since Dial H ended, look no further than the burgeoning Valiant universe 2.0, and to this blockbuster cross-over series. —Luke Anderson

Armor Hunters: Bloodshot #1 = 3.75 (out of 5) Second Comings

June 23, 2014June 27, 2014

TRANSFORMERS – AGE OF EXTINCTION [Review]: Oops!…Bay Did It Again.

Michael Bay, director of Transformers: Age of Extinction, played with The Goddamn Wu’s mind.

Again.

Like Britney, I got lost in the game, hit from all of Bay’s stunning cinematography, classic high-budget action, and explosions (with the use of a new IMAX 3D Camera), and it’s certainly not a shock that this Baybuster is the first feature film to use this newfangled technology. In true Transformer tradition, as well, the film serves as a “marketing masterpiece” with its well-placed, fun product ads that caused much laughter in the theatre.

http://youtu.be/b8ES2R98Whg

The end result is a lot of action that will assault the eyes, ears, and body– without a lot of meaningful story. The opening sequence weakly connects the movie title and the incorporation of Dinobots that strays far from the original Dinobothology. After this, we’re abruptly introduced to Mark Wahlberg, as Cade Yeager and the Funky Bunch — a group of antique tech hunters and robot inventors who find and bring home an old beat up truck that resembles the classic “Battle Convoy”. Yup, that same hunk o’ metal that contains live missile rounds and multiple battle wounds.

Once they learn that their new purchase is really the alien Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), the group of robotic Good Samaritans are hunted — along with the Transformers — by the CIA black ops team lead by Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammar) and, creator of Galvatron, Joshua (Stanley Tucci). Lest we don’t forget rogue bounty hunter Lockdown, whose mutual goal is to eradicate all Transformers on Earth as they enslave, break down, and harness the bots’ technology to create their own human-controlled Robots (not so much) in Disguise.

Transformers-Age-of-Extinction-Still-02-e1394690344149-600x344 — Akon’s favorite bot, we thinks.

Talk about “a lotta strands to keep…in old Duder’s head,” not to mention the slew of great characters created by writer Ehren Kruger that were sadly left static. Multiple themes were also touched on and never flushed out, chiefly due to Bay’s passion for ridiculously long action sequences; you know, those that literally make people shake their heads and check their phones. And despite the fun of the few pop-up appearances of everyone’s beloved Bumblebee (whose mere presence on screen caused a roar of applause and laughter) — and fun product placement ads, like Tucci drinking a box of soymilk from a sippy straw — it was difficult not to be bored with bits ‘n pieces throughout the course of the film.

Well, at least up until the film’s “Hell Yeah!” moment occurs and demands absolute attention ***minor Spoiler alert; it’s in the trailer***: Optimus Prime bitch slaps Grimlock, grabs his horns, and — in military fashion — essentially COMMANDS his remaining Autobots (Bumblebee, Hound, Drift, Crosshairs, and Brains) to follow him and…avenge.. their.. species! This inspiringly powerful scene, accompanied by Steve Jablonsky’s rousing music, is sure to make true Transformer fans goddamn weep as they witness true leadership and badassery in action. This scene also made the time that The Wu waited outside for admission, wading through a sea of bratty children and screaming babies, and dealing with the seemingly never-ending battle scenes all the hell worth it.

Transformers_Age_of_Extinction_42240 — Come on, ride the train. Hey, ride it!

It was this display of Prime’s great leadership that caused an entire generation to be so traumatized at his graphic death and deterioration in 1986’s The Transformers: The Movie. So, is it worth fanbots having to suck up the lack of story and heart and spend the green to see a glimpse of Optimus Prime get his ‘pimp’ on, make Grimlock his bitch, and watch him crush his enemies and see them driven before him?

“Uh-huh. Feel it! Feel it!”

Just remember, this film is so typically Bay, so don’t expect to struggle over the meaning of Rosebud. Expect, rather, to become diabetic from all of the eye candy, some nice performances (despite an underdeveloped script), shameless marketing ploys — some of which specifically targeted at the large Asian demo — and lengthy, explosive action sequences that will make your head reel. It’s a frackin’ robot movie, goddamit! Enjoy yourselves!

1899678_10201646138498551_2122303072_o — 3.25 (out of 5) Dinobots.

[Special thanks to Paramount Pictures for giving military families a full sneak preview at the NAS Oceana Aerotheater. It means a lot that you support us and allowed us to see Optimus Prime (whose courage, honor, integrity, and leadership are inspirations to us all) in action.]

Transformers: Age of Extinction trumps theaters nationwide this Friday, June 27.

August 6, 2012August 6, 2012

Hold the presses: This “Moody” turns 32.

Or 42.

One year out of “vacation mode” in Los Angeles sure can beat you down. I was warned. I didn’t believe it. And it happened.

But for all the roller-coaster ride of emotions one has to endure in this City of Not-So-Angelic Clusterfucks, the few highlights sure are worth it: E3. Comic Con. Exclusive screenings of Avengers & Spider-Man. Watching my Wolverines snikt the Buckeyes at, well, my Ohio State bar of employment. Not getting pulled over by the LAPD has been a good thing, too.

Don’t forget I beasted over 70 pushups in front of a live TV show audience.

Oh, you missed that one? Don’t worry; no one saw me on “Desperate Housewives”, either. (Or “Criminal Minds”, or “Breaking In”, or… you catch the drift.)

And hopefully no one will see me on a pair of consecutive make-a-complete-jack-ass-out-of-yourself-in-wet-briefs-for-a-few-hundred-buckeroos this coming fall, too.

Hey, I auditioned for that when I thought I was 21.

Why do we do this? Why do we live day-to-day on Craigslist, searching for the next minimum wage to petty flatrate gig? To avoid doing what most good-natured U.S. Citizens would call real work? To pursue the dreams we once had before stepping onto this pile of goo, choking our no-med-insurance-selves out to smog? Wait, why did we move here in the first place anyway?

I forgot.

But it sure is purrty ourside. Clear blue skies. Easy breeze. Palmtrees. Mexicanos wacking our cigarette-infested sidewalks. Lucky people shredding some Goodyear on their way to work (ha, who am I kidding; nobody in this town works.) persistently tooting all the way down Franklin Ave. A Runyan hike does sound nice later, sure; but why get bowled over by a fake screenplay-reading Henry Cavill clone who just doused himself his first overpriced spray tan?

la1 — Ha! Just wait until Black Ops 2 gets their hands on this.

God, I love L.A.

While my neck turns from what to do on such a beautiful, lonely birthday (oh, shit. I gots to get ready for my lunchdate with a San Fernando couguh..), the High Priest of Popular Geek Culture ponders not only his overall lack of a dating life, but the overall lack of news and material we can present to our ever-growing and lovely congregation.

Thankfully, my lazy ass is saved once again by fellow clergypersons who plan on giving this month a piledriving Total Recall podcast and a Marvelous pair of personal pieces. Despite this August lull, God Hates Geeks promises to reflect on much of the cool shit we missed covering SDCC and TDKR like no one else with a low budget, no advertising and last-minute assembled Fantastic Four staff could as only we have.

Yes, I like hot cookie butter on my English toast.

But before I gives a heads up on what to give a flaming shit about in August, just remember the Moody man’s only doing this missionary for you. Fo’ da keeds. We want your Bridezilla-watching, Katy Perry Kardashian-loving asses turned over to the dark side. You know, where being a geek is now considered “cool.” Or, exactly the reason why I’m trying to gain back the 25 lbs. I lost living when I moved here nearly 2-years ago I can “ungeek” myself once again.

But, hell, we all know that ain’t happening. The ungeek part.

Regardless of where this next year will take me, I’d like to thank everyone for the birthday wishes (even if you send the same generic HBD messages to all 2,359 of your Facebook “friends” all year-round). Let’s see how many heartwarming, nonspeaking roles I can land on generic television the next 365 days; how many different “eclectic” restaurants I can work at in a 6-month span; and how many females I can meet who only want my broke Beantown ass to “further” their career.

Hey, like my beloved Red Sox Nation say, “there’s always next year.”

Tootles,

Reverend Moody

Oh, you didn’t think I was going to actually talk about real stuff? Like video games, superhero strips and sci-fi/fantasy movies? Come on! Here’s what the rest of August has in store for all you wannabe-nerds out there:

Oh, this one’s too easy.

August 14, 15, 17: Sleeping Dogs (Square Enix) and Darksiders II (THQ). If all things go according to plan — they probably won’t — GHG should be the first to review Death’s mission to prove brother War’s innocence (I got the hookup, holla if ya hear me). Four Horsemen platformer, cometh. And the crime-saga formerly known as True Crime: Hong Kong is a game only bound to hear groans from Family Harmony. You’re in for a thrill if spinkicking streetwalking broads is your thing. But, hey, to make ya feel a little better, you’re also able to go all Lost in Translation on that ass, crooning the very best 80s New Wave karoake at will. That should make up for 10-12-plus hours of intense violence, I’m sure. Just a few months ago, Captain America scribe Ed Brubaker complained during a Hollywood Reporter Q&A that he wasn’t getting any Olivier Coipel art. Well, Avengers vs. X-Men #10 features both just in time to throw us into high-gear before the MarvelNOW redux. Hope and Scarlett Witch join forces; red-headed aspiring actress mutants rejoice! The Expendables 2 vs. ParaNorman? I’m guessing the animated take on Sixth Sense will plummet those nursing home grunts straight back to B-movieland, Metacritically-speaking, of course.

August 21, 22: Transformers: Fall to Cybertron (Activision). Despite my love for nearly all things Decepticon and Autobot, I couldn’t help but feel a little unimpressed with the demos I played at both E3 and SDCC. The graphics engine is as dated as the almond milk by roommate fails to throw away, with the multiplayer reminding more of Nintendo’s Gradius than anything Mr. Bay unapologetically whopped onto the silverscreen. But everyone else seems to love it, so who the hell knows. The conclusion to Geoff Johns amazing first year on Aquaman (#12) sees Vinny Chase finally getting his revenge. Who is Black Manta working for? Probably Namor. That would just be cool. Then, let’s celebrate an Amazing 50th Anniversary of Spider-Man with an overpriced issue (#692) filled with back-up stories you won’t care to read!

It’s a Hard Knock Life.

August 28, 29: Madden NFL ’13 (EA Sports). But don’t get too excited. Aside from the middling review XBOX Magazine threw up in their new issue (the journalist thought the Vikings won the Super Bowl last year — nice one!), I was more pleased with my current copy of NCAA 13 than the Mad-shit I played at E3. Though, it must be said that quarterbacking will be a whole lot more fun this year. It just feels more intuitive. There’s also several hundreds (so they claim) of ways to catch the ball, but hopefully that doesn’t mean Julian Edelman will start snagging balls one-handed over impeccable Ravens coverage. Also, XBOX Mag commented once again on how droll the commentary and presentation is, and those are the minor things that seperates NBA 2K, NHL, and FIFA from all the rest. Why football and baseball video games constantly can’t get this aspect right defeats me. Though, there’s no way the commentary — even if Phil Simms talks about Tom Brady the whole game (hey, realism at its finest!) — can be worse than Gus Johnson’s name-butchering that was last year. Here’s also to praying for custom stadium music, too. How many times can one person listen to Lil’ Wayne’s “6 Foot 7 Foot” in one hour? Green Lantern Annual #1: “Everything changes! Everything!” That means Ryan Reynolds is back once again in the tidy greens for the Blackest Night-inspired film sequel, just with a new writing team, we hope.