And with that, the DC Animated Universe comes to a close with the all out Justice League Dark: Apokolips War. This is the final film in the DCAU that was started thanks to the New 52 and that means the gloves came off in this film.
After this, we are getting a reboot and while we have seen one picture (where I say the animation looks like it is in the vein of Adult Swim’s Venture Brothers), I will hold my comments on that until I see a trailer.
While JL:AR is a follow up to both Justice League Dark, and Constantine: City of Demons, this movie, this really ties every DCAU film together going back to Justice League: Flashpoint Paradox. To say that the film is fucked up at parts would be a gross understatement (Note: I did not realize it was a ‘R’ rated movie and it definitely uses the cursing and blood and guts properly).
Blood and guts up the wazoo.
While watching the film, I kept waiting for the big McGuffin to happen and rewind the film, but nothing: all the deaths and maiming stay, and it really amplifies the story. You don’t get a second chance; which is why Avengers: Endgame was so successful. The good guys might win, but there are consequences.
And seeing characters you love gored and eviscerated leaves an image seared into your mindscape. It has been interesting to see these films build and grow on top of one another and go from focusing on the Flash, to Batman, and now to Constantine, and then back to the Flash.
Pour one out for the DCAU.
The one thing I will miss is the animation. I love love LOVE the animation style. It is so crisp and clean and I love the artwork and while it does look like the next film will go with a younger Superman and Lex, I will sorely miss this Superman and Lex dynamic. The Batman style is also something I’m going to miss. The Batman/Damian Wayne dynamic has been fun.
Gearing up for action.
Justice League Dark: Apokolips War is a fantastic send off to a very fun wave of animated films. While the live-action films have had mixed reviews, the animated films have been by and large the equivalent of the Marvel live action films. They have had depth, soul, and greatly entertained. While I have mixed feelings about how this film ended (I’m not going to spoil this at all for you), the movie was overall an excellent film.
Saving the biggest and best for last.
This is a film that you should definitely have in your collection and watch again. I love and adore the voice casting. Jerry O’Connell and Jason O’Mara were perfect as Superman and Batman.
Rosario Dawson has been a great Wonder Woman. I know that Superman has recast O’Connell with Darren Criss (who is a fantastic actor), but it will be interesting to see where they go with the new cast. (Note: I love that Zachary Quinto is voicing Lex. I never really got Rainn Wilson as Lex. Great actor, but wasn’t a strong Lex Luther). 4.5/5 Paradooms.
-Robert Bexar
Justice League Dark: Apokolips War is available for streaming right now.
I’m a fan of Star Trek. I’m not obsessive with the minutiae of it all (not as much as some other pop culture staples…**ahemJamesBondahem**), but I appreciate it greatly, both as a cultural touchstone and influence, and as an enduring storytelling series.
That being said, I absolutely loathed.. LOATHED.. the previous film, the 2013 Star Trek-mixtape known as Star Trek Into Reference. After that, there wasn’t too much getting me excited over Star Trek Beyond. The seemingly never-ending behind-the-scenes drama, the departure of two directors, the tight turnaround, and a lackluster first teaser did little to assuage those concerns. It felt more like I was planning on watching it out of obligation. But I am glad I did see it, especially in a movie theater in this, Star Trek’s 50th anniversary. Not only is this film wildly entertaining, it does a much needed course correction in the wake of the dour, convoluted, vapid, misanthropic Into Darkness.
The late Anton Yelchin, Chris Pine, John Cho
The film starts off with Kirk (Chris Pine) ruminating on life in deep space: after a botched peace-brokering mission, Kirk reflects on the routine of deep-space life. Routine, it seems, is boring, even if it is in deep space; and with his birthday coming up, he realizes that he is adrift. He joined Starfleet on a dare, to try to live up to his father’s legacy, and now here he was, having lived longer than his father ever did. While docked for resupply at the massive Yorktown deep space station, Kirk is offered an admiralty position, which would ground him.
Spock, on the other hand, is contemplating his own goals. Having been informed that Spock Prime has died, the fate of his own species is come into question, and Spock weighs staying in Starfleet against settling down and having a bunch of kids (Vulcan was destroyed, so there is cause for concern). Before either can settle down for some much needed decision-making, Kalara, an alien traveler, makes contact with Yorktown, requesting help to rescue her crew on the planet Altamid, which is located beyond a dense asteroid field.
Sofia Boutella and Simon Pegg
It’s a trap!…wait, wrong franchise. Before the Enterprise can even register what is happening, a massive swarm of alien vessels attack the ship, destroying its major instruments, before boarding parties…led by Idris Elba’s alien commander, Krall…literally rip the ship apart (it’s a stunning sequence of scenes, and quite melancholic as well. The Enterprise gets destroyed several times in the film).
The crew abandons ship, escaping to the planet below–with a majority swept away and taken prisoner–and are separated for most of the runtime. They must regroup, find a way off the planet, and uncover what Krall’s animosity towards the Federation is all about (and, summarily, how to stop it). And all this in just the first 30 or 40-minutes.
That’s definitely not good…
There are many great aspects to this film, the biggest being the cast dynamic. Director Justin Lin was the oddest possible choice for this very, very geeky franchise, but it ultimately makes sense. He’s the director responsible for the last few Fast and Furious movies, which–while increasingly outlandish–has a strong central ensemble cast with great chemistry, and who feel like real people (in between stunts, of course). He came onto a franchise created by others, and turned it around; and did so with a very tight release date, much like this film. He has the action chops down pat, not only with pacing, but with composition as well, which makes the action flow better, which makes for a generally more enjoyable film. And finally, he’s someone who actually understands the basic themes of Star Trek, as the following quote illustrates:
“As great as JJ’s films were, there’s still a lot to be mined from these characters. They haven’t really gone on their five-year mission, so what we experienced in the TV show hasn’t been touched on yet. That sets up an opportunity for exploration and the deeper you go, the more you are examining humanity. Those are the things that I absorbed as a kid and hope to tap into and embrace and celebrate.”
He also included this shot, which is beautiful in motion.
Finally, the rebooted Star Trek universe has a sense of identity, one at once familiar yet new. And it starts with the characters. Pine didn’t work entirely well with me initially as Kirk. In 2009’s film, he seemed a (very charming, likable) caricature of Kirk, and in Into Darkness he was…whatever the individual scene needed him to be? Here he feels like an actual leader, especially his scenes with the late Anton Yelchin as Chekov, and he’s actually smart, using double and triple crosses, strategic thinking, and even the wreckage of his own ship to escape danger, as opposed to his usual reaction of “blow something up”.
Spock (Zachary Quinto) and Bones (the ever-dependable Karl Urban) fare much better than they have previously; stranding them together was a brilliant decision that allowed us to actually see that they care for, and respect, each other, despite their constant bickering. And Scotty (co-writer Simon Pegg) encounters Jaylah (Sofia Boutella), an alien scavenger who knows way too much about the Federation for it to be conicidence.
Idris Elba as Krall.
But it’s Elba as the villain, Krall, who is the most interesting character in this rebooted universe, and who comes oh-so-close to being an absolute classic villain. His motivation becomes very clear towards the end (about the time the crew encounter a long-lost experimental Federation vessel, the Franklin), and his ultimate goal has a counterpart with today’s political themes. Kirk’s philosophy–he actually has one now, finally!–is that strength comes from unity and diversity; that together, people overcome obstacles by incorporating differences. Krall, a hardline warrior, believes strength comes from conflict and battle; he believes the Federation is soft and weak, and in an attempt to strengthen the human race, he threatens to destroy it. While Krall’s is an extreme, we hear echoes of that from some of today’s (potential) leaders.
And this is why this film works: it’s topical, the way Star Trek has always been, as well as full of adventure (not necessarily action — there is a difference). And it’s full of hope. Whereas Into Darkness skirted with the idea of the Federation being a secret military organization, Beyond shows that it’s the culmination of diversity, and of overcoming obstacles, and facing problems with brains before brawn. If anything, this feels like a lost Season 2 episode of the original series, one that has the proper mix of action, camp, and metaphor.
Plenty of brawn here!
The film moves at a super-fast pace, Michael Giacchino’s score is uplifting and spirited– with a few cues from the original series thrown in– massively references Star Trek: Enterprise, of all things, and if one character beat had been included (you’ll know it when you see it, but it involves Krall at the climax right before he is dispatched), it would have bumped this movie up to a higher score.
I highly recommend this. A great cast finally getting character work, great action (again, the Enterprise being destroyed with a wild, wild scene); actual incorporation of the Beastie Boys “Sabotage” in a way that actually works to push the story forward; complete lack of any distracting romantic subplot; and, my favorite scene, an incredibly touching tribute to the original actors, as well as dedications to the late Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin. This is, finally, proof that Star Trek can survive the current blockbuster climate. Hope to see it continue.
4 (out of 5) Shots of Romulan Ale.
Star Trek Beyond is currently playing in movie theaters everywhere.
It’s been one hell of a summer for movies, especially that of the big-action/superhero/spy variety. I’d even argue that the seasonal line-up, (whether you loved ’em or despised ’em) from the mind-blowing Mad Max to the earth-shattering San Andreas to the bombastic Jurassic World to the sleek Terminator Genisys to the couragerous capering Ant-Man to the jaw-dropping Rogue Nation to the cool of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., will go down as one of the very best the geek genre has ever seen.
I’d also love to tell you all that Hitman: Agent 47 — a reimagining of the 2007 Hitman flick that starred Justified‘s Timothy Olyphant — ends the sun-blistering season with a bang. It doesn’t.
That’s not to say that all is wrong beneath Polish music video director Aleksander Bach‘s standard murder dressing of black bullet-timed suit, white witty quipped shirt, and red blood-stained necktie. A few moments in Agent 47 had the usually stiff mainstream media audience in chuckles–perhaps more for the outrageousness of it all, but nonetheless.
One man who actually keeps it straight and cold is Rupert Friend. His casting as Agent 47 makes total sense after watching his no-nonsense, yet likeable CIA-op Peter Quinn on one of TV’s finest dramas, Homeland. Hell, I even likened the show to Splinter Cell, another video game known more for its stealth and sneering political flague than the high-octane warzone that is Call of Duty. With that, it’s no surprise that the best scenes in Hitman feature stealth sequences, which showcase Friend’s mightily impressive hand-to-hand combat and his shadowy tutoring of vicious judo techniques to the, otherwise graituously-used, daughter behind the mind of the Agent program, Katia (Hannah Ware).
“I didn’t realize you were even here, Zach.”
Friend does an admirable job staying within that unmercifully kind and cold contract-killing chrome dome beyond Bach’s all-too video gamey stylings. While I wished there was more stealth sequences that make the video game cool, I could run through all the genre “checks”–but I’ll save you the suspense.
What separates 47 from the previous (most likely now-dead) 46 Agents is that this Hitman aims to prevent a new and improved program, run by some shitty whitesuit named Le Clerq (Thomas Kretschmann) who runs an organization with an even shittier, stolen-from-MI name (Syndicate, really?), that would all the likely end him and his high cash-earning hits.
Ah, shoot.
Stupid plot, but that’s a given. Here’s to betting the video game of the same name that drops in December has a much better story. More unfortunately for Hitman, is that this summer has already witnessed a vast array of amazing action sequences (note the 7 aforementioned flicks in the opening paragraph). No matter how stylistically cool Bach’s shots appear, or just how hip and sleek the set dressing is — Sebastian Krawinkel’s production design is arguably the most impressive element to Agent 47 — there’s nothing here of note that will leave even the most diehard Hitman gamers impressed. My bad.
Oh, yeah! Almost forgot. Zachary Quinto (Star Trek, American Horror Story) is in the movie, but only to sell tickets. No, he doesn’t play an usher; but if you told me he was, then he’d actually have more of a role than what’s required here. His usual snarl and charismatic charm requires a much bigger place in a b-movie actioneer than “John Smith: Henchman”–don’t you think?
But hey, if you’re looking to buy a new Audi, this might just be the film for you.
2.25 (out of 5) Bibles.
20th Century Fox’s Hitman sneaks into theaters this Friday, August 21.
Watching Star Trek: Into Darkness immediately following J.J. Abrams’ first Star Trek, with the very same audience from last week’s CapeTown Film Fest. These people, many of which like yours truly were not even true Trekkies, pumped the Egyptian Theater that Monday full of energy, cheers and laughter.
It was a good ass time.
Why Paramount wouldn’t allow this audience to witness the movie “early” when there were international screenings for at least 2-weeks now, beats me. Then again, it’s probably best if this Rev shuts up when his spoiled ass was lucky enough to see the first one on the big screen again in the first place.
–They’re heading for Earth, sir!– “WHERE ELSE WOULD THEY BE HEADING!!”
It’s just.. watching ST:ID with Thursday’s preview crowd at Universal City Walk just didn’t feel right.
There was absolutely no reaction to a stunning opening scene that watched our favorite crew from the USS Enterprise go where no other space shuttle has ever gone before: underwater. Sure, this sequence consisted of a lot of boom-and-bang, a mumbling lot of primitive beings, a crew with a far more serious demeanor (who lighten up a bit the more the movie goes on, but we’ll get to that in a bit), or…it may have just been an awfully strange experience watching this in 3D.
Hell, I was a bit peeved for taking out my contacts before finding out the movie was three-dimensional. Talk about possibly walking “into darkness” (thankfully, they handed out rims massive enough to cover the biggest of Ray Bans).
And darkness is far from the truth, as the film’s tremendous scope, energizing score, and exotic intergalactic locales, including a superb view of far future London — not to mention the signature JJ lens flares — will keep even the sleepiest of snoozers up in awe. There’s even Klingons.
But, there was no audience applause when the closing credits hit.
That was a bit stunning, for a sequel deserving of major props. Sure, Into Darkness is no Terminator 2, no Dark Knight, and surely no Empire Strikes Back; but it’s no Iron Man 2, Aliens or Temple of Doom, either. In other words, those films were enjoyable follow-ups that just weren’t as incredible as their debuts. While Into Darkness has a hell of a lot more action and frenetic dialogue, 2009’s Star Trek offered a tighter plot, more surprises (“seeing this all again for the very first time”), and a boatload of unforced humor.
We’ve become those very men the X-Files and Tommy Lee Jones warned us about: a success.
Humor still remains prevalent in the sequel — just not so much.
For example, Zachary Quinto plays Spock with a rougher edge, including a slightly larger frame and bigger neck, with, of course, his classic, stilted sophistication. Don’t worry: Spock still packs plenty of LOL moments.
Chris Pine, in his very best William Shatner impersonation (and I mean that in the best way possible), offers a more seasoned ship leader this time out; and, surely, opened my six-eyes to wondrous shock when the Cap barely flirted with — never mind force himself upon — his newest shipmate, Dr. Carol Marcus (played by the beautiful Alice Eve), especially during one unnecessary teenage hormone-driven scene which I’m sure you can find in with Google images.
There’s a definitive reason why Pine leaves a lot of his swagger “on the pine,” and yet not to the extrem[is] of, say, Tony Stark in Iron Man 3. Something happens in this movie that affects him tremendously. Thus, it’s a pleasure to watch Pine elevate his performance and still remain the charismatic, cocky, cool-hand-Kirk. His new quarrel never reaches cheesy-anger or too loose territory, neither.
Nope. He nails it.
And despite the dynamic duos’ newer, stern approach (tragedy will do that, people), the chemistry between Pine and Quinto has never been better. Other members of the Enterprise don’t get left in the darkness, either, with scene-stealing performances from king-of-the-one-liner Karl Urban and Robocop nutjob Peter Weller (whose Admiral clearly puts the douche in the bag), more screen time for John Cho’s “Captain” Hulu, to my good buddy Tom Archdeacon‘s cameo as Ensign Spyke(!?!), to the more droll bits of Zoe Saldana and Simon Pegg (sorry, guys — guess you could blame the script?).
But, no one quite owns this Star Trek movie like Benedict Cumberbatch.
Just making sure you watched Dredd and enjoyed it, pal.
It’s unfortunate that a few morons have spoiled it for the rest of the bunch, but if you take a hard look at Star Trek and its minimal rogues sheet, it shouldn’t take a genius to figure out who the hell Cumberbatch plays. Entertainment Weekly has already rumored the “Sherlock” actor’s villain in its latest issue; meanwhile, IMDB has no problem spoiling all the fun.
When the reveal happens, it should still send a shiver up most spines.
More importantly, Cumberbatch’s former Starfleet commander is a certifiable bad-ass. A lot of his actions come with a contrite balance of sheer, tragic reasoning and senseless immortality. Didn’t you wish you could command or confront this guy on the home LCD instead of this trash?
Part of me — in addition to wishing this was the video game — preferred to have seen Into Darkness spread into a pair of flicks, so critical scenes in the final third act wouldn’t come off so rushed. I do appreciate Abrams wanting audiences to get more bang for the buck, without ever a dull moment. And, between eruptive volcanoes, in-crew conflict, and Halo-inspired alien commandos, hell knows this voyage doesn’t lack for its share of excitement.
Hey, perhaps because I’ve never been a fan of the franchise until the reboot, I just needed some more exposition. Or, maybe the fact that the abominable Man of Steel is landing in theaters soon gives us viewers a little more reason to be finicky.
In all, whether J.J. helms the director’s chair or not, there’s no preventing this franchise from having another blast-off.
4 (out of 5) Bibles. Awesome! While I likened the new Trek 1 to a 4.5 Bible flick — it just flows better — Into Darkness may prove more entertaining. There’s still plenty of odes to Trek past (Tribbles, Section 31, Gorns, perhaps one instance too sappy at the end), and plenty for new fans to like, too. The space fights are cooler, the landscapes prettier, and the conflict even more daring. There’s even a special cameo, or two. Though one wishes Zoe and some of the other crew had more significant to do, and really didn’t find anything funny about the frantic Chekov. This movie also leads me to believe some of the crew’s cast are one trick ponies. They should have killed some more of them off, and I’m being nice about that. But, hey, we get a far superior villain and more laughs. Kirk and Spock even add more layers in their young military development. Let’s just hope JJ doesn’t completely abandon the franchise for that other Star one just yet. GO SEE IT!
It’s been one hell of a couple weeks for nerds across the board.
Marvel Studios once again struck rich with its second-highest grossing production, Iron Man 3. Saturday offered a double dose of geek fun with Free Comic Book Day and annual Star Wars event, May the Fourth (Be With You). And, last but certainly not least, Entertainment Weekly blasted off on all cylinders with its first ever Capetown Film Festival.
It was awesome.
And extremely hard to cover.
But that’s okay.
Cause it was awesome.
Thankfully last night, no cell phones were taken away (thanks, Universal Pictures), no guests failed to show up, or show up late (Mark Ham.. *cough* Mark..), and, this writer finally had the time and resources to spread the word from Nerd Heaven.
Cell phones were even taken away at the paid-audience screening of “Batman & Robin.”
Yet, despite the historic Egyptian Theater providing sold-out audiences with the most abnormal conditions on Hollywood Boulevard (Scott Pilgrim? Colder than the dumping of Knives Chau. Star Trek? As blazing as the Romulan supernova), the non-profit American Cinematheque did offer the absolute highest quality presentation possible and one hell of a sound system. Witnessing John Carpenter‘s The Thing on the silver-screen for the first time, under the guise of a shivering, wintering helluva perfect 35 MM, was insane. Carpenter may have also been the funniest Q&A guest I’ve witnessed.. ever.
Just ask the self-proclaimed “Horror Master” about that Thing of a remake. “I don’t really have any comment on [2011’s The Thing]. They worked real hard on that movie…” Or about those darn British Columbia shooting conditions. “It was miserable — there were no girls!”
Carpenter certainly wasn’t the only guest providing entertainment at others expense.
After a rare big-screen showing of 12 Monkeys and a near half-hour delay (surely there were some of those, but we’ll forgive you, EW; at least for this year), Terry Gilliam delighted audiences with plenty of inside knowledge and candid thoughts, particularly on his own deplorable movie-going experiences: Michael Bay’s Transformers (“There’s no gravity anymore!”), Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters (“Don’t let the little kids with the rubber suits come in!”), and Justin Lin’s Fast & Furious 6 (“It’s important to keep repeating things…like a McDonald’s cheeseburger.”)
Terry having a typical “Total Recall Remake” moment.
I had no idea Gilliam, who I sadly confused for another Terry earlier — telling a friend he directed The Thin Red Line and Tree of Life. Doh!— was close to directing Harry Potter, either. Perhaps then I would have given the franchise a chance. And, thankfully for my sake, Gilliam often referenced and compared his lyrical shooting style to good friend and peer, Mr. Malick.
It was Sunday night, though, where one man rose above all. EW reporter and Cape Fest show-runner, Geoff Boucher — who’s own work schedule could only be rivaled by the beauty appointments of a young Hollywood starlet — had the opportunity to interview the legendary Leonard Nimoy. Yup, Spock.
The festival’s final night screened 2009’s Star Trek, which this writer found to be a highly engaging and underrated remake, and even nicer refreshment before the sequel, Into Darkness, hits theaters next week. Following a humorous video presentation from Trek director, J.J. Abrams, and new Spock, Zachary Quinto, the regal Nimoy entered the Egyptian Theater to a tremendous standing O.
“I don’t remember that far back,” clowned Nimoy in reference to the last time Boucher live Q&A’d him.
2010.
“I’ve been on a lot of airplanes the last few weeks, but I’m here. [And] three years from now we will be celebrating the 50th anniversary of Star Trek.”
Cue even larger applause.
They said there would be a “Dunking Donuts” around here, somewhere.
In regards to the new generation Spock, Nimoy denounced any need for self approval. “I had consultations after seeing the footage from J.J. [Quinto] had the talent, looked right enough.
He had what I call the ‘interior life.'”
Nimoy and his new protege would go on to have conversations about the philosophy of Star Trek and the human conflict and character of Spock. But “no advice. No ‘do that, do this.'” At their initial meeting in an elevator at San Diego Comic Con, Nimoy merely warned a then space-green Quinto of his forthcoming Trek Life.
“Do you have any idea what you what you’re getting into?”
When Boucher asked Nimoy if he had any idea what he was getting himself into those 40-semod years ago, the actor/director had “noooo idea! I was [only then performing] small roles. My number was still listed in the Los Angeles phonebook and [crazy fans] would call. I couldn’t go into restaurants, movie theaters.”
After a funny story about a pair of Midwestern gals who got a hold of Nimoy’s digits.. this happened:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGF5ROpjRAU
No, seriously. Spock sang “The Hobbit” to our live Egyptian Theater audience, which left Boucher damn near speechless. This wonderful “you had to have been there” moment led to our interviewee interviewing the interviewer about the new Star Trek,since Nimoy didn’t get the chance to preview it himself and Mr. Boucher did.
“I can’t talk about [Into Darkness]. J.J. has snipers.”
Who was Leonard Nimoy’s BFF in the original Star Trek cast? “I loved them all, even though [William] Shatner tried to drown me (during a scene shot at Paramount during Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home). He knew was he was doing.” Boucher asked if they should seek revenge, to which Nimoy sarcastically — we think? — declined, “No. He has enough problems of his own. [Shat’ pushed Nimoy into the water because] he has his own agenda. He has certain needs.. as they say.”
Nimoy didn’t realize a film he directed, the Tom Selleck-starring3 Men & A Baby, was the highest grossest movie of 1987. “Then I should be getting a check!” After such a spocking discovery, I was going to ask about that infamous house “ghost.” But, as luck would have it, there was no audience Q&A portion of the program.
“Go ‘head, Jimbo. Have a sip!”
Spock also fought the power. When the “Star Trek” animated series (1973-74) failed to provide voice-over gigs for two of the original cast members in order to save a few bucks, Nimoy declined his presence until that was changed. It changed. And now you can watch a spoof of the cartoon — sort of — on the new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”
After being given a Fathead wall-sized sticker of Spock from Entertainment Weekly, Nimoy then declared his next problem: finding a place “visible enough where everyone can see it!”
Star Trek: The Video Game is not much different from some of addictive Sci-Fi drivel you watched in your youth, when you thought it might be cool to sneak into the living room around 3 o’clock in the morning when your parents were too busy…snoring. And, whattya know? There’s actually as many likely mistakes in this Trek Universe as some of that sloppy late-night cinema.
What happened to the Digital Extremes offices immediately after release.
Yes. You watched because you enjoyed the artistic horror of Troll 2. You enjoyed the senseless, purely cosmetic galaxies of damn near nothingness in Plan 9 From Outer Space. You enjoyed the clueless (in this case gun-toting) lizards in Destroy All Monsters who, somehow, have the admirably amazing ability to gravitate into a mid-air treadmill. You enjoyed the constant yo-bro piggy-back leaps over every steep cliff in The Barbarians, with the pry handling of a thousand blockade doors. The impetuous sound editing of The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad.
I really wish I was talking about the b-movie classics, The Crawling Eye‘s or the Attack of the Crab Monsters’. No, I’m afraid, pals, that those reflections were in reference to Bandai Namco’s new StarTrek video game.
After all, you would enjoy.. the torture of it all.
If for no other reason, I’d stay away from this Trek for the constant, countless deciphering of squiggly lines for “protocol”. If.. seriously.. if it’s in your utmost desire to purchase an intergalactic game — you’d do a helluva lot better dropping that $60 a couple used copies of the Mass Effect trilogy, or the Dead Space trilogy. Or any other trilogy for that matter, since this Star Trek is clearly little more than a rip-off of those titles anyway (and still bleeds of the graphics the originalM.E. had back in 2007 — eek!). The game does play better in the later stages when it decides to go all “Tomb Raider” (1996) on that ass, as either the hunter or the huntee. You know, fighting the higher Gorn up through tumultuous caverns, poisonous swamps, blandly pixelated glitches… and the such.
Don’t forget the vent crawlspaces, either. Got to have the vent crawlspaces.
“In the Air Tonight,” “Stuck in the Middle with You,” and “Leap of Faith” are all bound for Kirk’s iPOD.
Look, you either pick Dr. Spock or Capt. Kirk… invite a friend to play alongside you split-screen or on a Live network (good luck), and run around jagged, like a cross between a Silverback Gorilla and that guy from Nintendo’s Pitfall! Hell, this XBOX 360/PS3 game reminded me of an 8-bitter. The controls are completely unresponsive. Again, good luck trying to “Pitfall!” yourself through many of the game’s tougher leaps when that left stick of yours no longer wants to be your best friend. In fact, your controller is often your only friend — considering (in my case) Captain Kirk would rather stand in front of you and shutter around in circles than help you gun down some asshole aliens. (Ironically, my Kirk protected me best in the game’s final stage..)
Oh, and your Kirk or Spock friend will constantly get in your way. We’re such good pals that we got stuck together in vents; we were unable to enter elevators together; he refused — yes REF– USED!! — to help a dude pry open a door; hell, if not standing directly in front of our door or elevator, he’d find something else better to do when it came time to exit the stage. Hard to blame him.
Star Trek: The Video Game is what Mass Effect would look like if a toddler had the final say.
You can run around forever and never tire. Yet the second you hit that water? Fughetaboutit. Cutscenes will often — ever so unceremoniously — happen in the middle of a battle, with your opponent left either dead or nonexistent. Even our initial encounter with the “Unknown Monster” lead to the foe actually waiting ever-so-patiently for my Spock to revive a fallen Kirk.
Gee, thanks!?
Surprisingly, there are some gaming positives, albeit minor ones. Being able to deactivate barriers while your enemies are behind them is pretty cool. The once-in-a-blue-moon orbital strikes from the U.S.S. Enterprise is pretty awesome, too. Even the space flight missions are a nice change of pace from the typical running-and-gunning, despite how brief or frustrating it can get to steer through the cosmic slop. This is Star Trek, after all, ya know? Your ray-guns will also get “more John Blaze than that” the more you play, with the “Arc Driver,” a Mjolnir-like lightning blaster, as one of the few highlights. Healing and energy stations are a nice touch; though your character will hardly ever identify the items that pop out of treasure boxes…right at his feet.
For every Gorn scorned is a glitchy DEAD END..
I can’t blame people for getting exciting about this game. We, as consumers, tend to always get excited whenever our favorite pop culture properties come out with something new. Hell — if there was a new line of Thor underwear, I’d be the second person in line. Star Trek: The Video Game looked incredibly awesome at E3 and some unlucky people were able to witness at least a full 20-minutes of the game. Sometimes I feel like just being at E3 makes everything there look 100x better (but that’s neither here nor there). This game doesn’t bridge the original J.J. Abrams tale with the new Into Darkness like it promises; no, more like, it bridges some of the worst Nintendo games into your melted brain.
And I really enjoyed the banter between Zachary Quinto and Chris Pine in this game. I really, really did. Well — until about the last level when some cliches get repeated, but still. Those actors showed they were good team players by doing the vocal work. In fact, just about the entire cast is present to do their thing. Just a shame their likenesses are butchered by the visuals on screen. And the gaming mechanics, and the endless glitches, and the repeated, drawn out levels, and the fact there’s no melee. NO MELEE! What!!?! Uh-huh. You’ve got to stun your Gorn (cause, besides a few drones, what else is there?) first before you take them down with the press of a button. Thankfully, Michael Giacchino’s score is just about the only element that helps the game feel like the movie.
Aliens: Colonial Wars, you now have another major IP buddy to join you at the bottom of the bargain bin. Even Kirk himself realizes Trek’s awful stench towards the seeming, final destination: “God! Please — I hope we’re almost there; I can’t take much more of this smell.”
Every step of the way, brother. Every step of the way.
1 (out of 5) Bibles. By far, the worst game I ever reviewed. Most of the time I’ll be smart enough to avoid trashy games but — to my own embarrassment — expected something out of this. Especially, when I got to see a load of the game firsthand. The co-op is entirely unplayable, since someone is bound to get stuck over-and-over-and-over, yet good luck expecting the AI to help you if you go at it alone as well. The graphics look like Dune on the old Macintosh systems. The Gorns look cool as hell at first then just remind you of more of last year’s Lizard from Amazing Spider-Man. Same shit, different toilet. Spock and Kirk are no different from one another, especially when you can pick up the same weapons each one specializes in. The banter between the two is pretty cool. The game should be a couple hours shorter than it had to be. The last 2 levels are a DRAG. As if… So, stay the hell away and save your $ for Into Darkness on May 17th. BYE!
