“FATHER” SEAN FARRELL: It’s time for the WWE Smackdown Live! brand PPV Backlash. SD makes ’em, Raw takes ’em — AJ Styles said that. Man alive he wasn’t referring to this card. Backlash? More like Treading Water.
“PASTOR” SHAWN PUFF: No. Its time for the…
SEAN: The rebranding of English continues — to use his old gimmick, which has a better chance than the old-timey strongman gimmick ever had a chance of working — against the longest road to midcard status, “The Perfect 10” Tye Dillinger. Gotta start somewhere. I see Tye getting an easy win with a lame finisher (that knee to the head isn’t working for me, kid).
SHAWN: Oh, sweet–I love kick-off show matches. Wait.. you like that singing gimmick, Sean? God. At least this one will be quick. Tye walks out with the W faster than you can count to.. 10! 10! 10!
SEAN: Man, oh man. This Father couldn’t careless about Corbin. Dude has the look, the moves, but the charm of a broken flip-flop. Poor Sami just can’t catch a break, but at least he won’t be losing to Kevin Owens again. Corbin wins as the crowd goes meh.
SHAWN: This gets worse and worse. I can’t stand El Generico. Corbin needs to get a push. Who booked this trash? At least we can agree that Sami won’t be dancing when this one is done. Corbin for the win.
SEAN: Why isn’t this the preshow match? Both these guys can work, but neither should be feuding with each other–at least not to start. This might be the sleeper match of the night (in both ways imaginable), since these two have the most to prove.
SHAWN: You contradict yourself, brother. This match could be the sleeper match but.. you would put it on the preshow? You didn’t even pick a winner. Who are you? Vince Russo? I got this one. Harper wins because he deserves the push. My brother agrees with me.
SEAN: “Man, I hope when Shinsuke gets called up, Vince doesn’t screw it up” — and that’s exactly what he did. White hot debut, with a crowd losing their minds.. and all he did was walk to the ring. But then, Dolph happened. Terrible “comedy” promos. Nothing clicking. With Nakamura, less is more on the mic. Dolph is a lame duck worker who has been yoyo’ed so much, that beating him means less than nothing. End this now. Now!
SHAWN: Well, what else is there to say? Oh yeah. KINSHASAAAAAAAAA!!!!
SEAN: Why isn’t AJ going for Orton’s title? Why is he working backwards down the card? Who knows. Kevin Owens morphing into Jericho? Uh, sure. Okay. At least the wrestling will be good. I see Owens winning by something shady, as usual.
SHAWN: I cant agree with you here. Owens brought the US title over but he’s gotta be in the main event picture. He’s the new face of America and the future face of the WWE. In order for that to happen, the Champ That Runs The Camp needs to take that belt from him. I won’t say it in French, because I can’t; but The Phenomenal One wins and this is your match of the night.
SEAN: What happened to the women’s division? Oh right: Bliss left. These women all deserve better. The champion deserves better. Quick, do you know which one is the champ without looking it up? Exactly. How does a division take a step down when you add Charlotte Flair to it? Winner will be my bladder during this bathroom break match.
SHAWN: Wrong again. Ellsworth wins… because he STILL has a job. DUH!!
SEAN: Uh, what? I don’t even know what to say. This makes no sense at all. At. All. Remember when Smackdown was stacked with teams and the champions were two solo guys slapped together as a comedy bit? The joke continues here. Hurry up, New Day. We need your feud with American Alpha to start like 30 days ago.
SHAWN: Haters gonna hate — I like this one. Should be a good match. Breezango is pretty entertaining and over, and I actually like this heel Usos thing. But you know about that Day One ish, son. The Usos win because they’re brothers–like us. Plus, they need to job to the New Day when they finally show up.
SEAN: Yeah, yeah; don’t hinder Jinder. I’m a fan of the xenophobic challenger. It’s easy. It works every time. Orton is a boring champion who’s not really had a chance to do anything, thanks to his nobody cares matches with Wyatt. I don’t see the title changing hands here, but I do expect Jinder to show the world what he can do. The guy has the look, the moves and the drive. But, then again, so did the other two members of 3MB. Orton hit the RKO and this show is in the books with 30-minutes to spare.
SHAWN: Yup. Agreed and agreed. I would love the Maharaja to win this one but it wont happen. Ooh look, we’ve still got time to go take shots before the boss assigns us the Slammiversary preview!