SummerSlam 2012: Biggest Show in LA ’bout 2 get Punk’d

We all come from different denominations, Geek Nation. So, if I’m going to be writing about wrestling (as Moody so forcefully chooses yours truly to do so, heh), you should know exactly what squared-circle church I come from.

You know, this way you can wrap your head around these very opinions I shall emote.

Brother Joe’s Four Horsemen consists of Arn, Ole, Tully and Ric. I grew up watching Central States wrestling where Harley Race was God — and not a King — and Marty Jannety brought some swollen kid named Shawn Michaels around to be his tag team partner.

“Saturday Night’s Main Event” was viewed just as religiously, as Kerry Von Erich and the Dingo Warrior kicked some WCCW ass each and every Sunday afternoon.

Being from the God-fearing country of.. well.. Kansas City, I even went to school with the daughters of Akiro Sato, one half of the WWF (you do remember that, don’t you?) Tag Team Champs, managed by the venerable Mr. Fuji.

Pat Tanaka, I’m sure, has quite the valet gig going on.

I watched the Monday Night Wars in progress, and I held on to WCW until Kevin Nash pinned Goldberg on that night oh so long ago.

Yuck.

Thankfully, I had satellite TV in the fraternity house, so watching ECW was a no-brainer after storming in from the bars at 2 a.m. It became it a hell of a lot easier to stomach all of the non-wrestling Monday Night drama Degenration-X and the New World Order flaunted during primetime when such extremers like Sandman and Sabu were destroying each other with barbed-wire covered 2×4’s in the late night hours.

I was in the nosebleeds in St. Louis when The Rock won his first WWF Championship over Mankind in 1998.

This is my wrestling denomination. Woooooooooooooo!

 

Okay, enough about Brother Joe so Brother Ray and Brother Devon don’t bully me out of previewing this Sunday’s SummerSlam 2012 (August 19th, Staples Center, downtown Los Angeles, California. I have to work. Yip.):

Brock Lesnar vs. Triple H

These are two of the most dynamic personalities to ever hold a WWE Championship. Triple H can yap for days, and his persistence alone has turned him into one of the best physical performers (when he has to) on the big stage.

Brock Lesnar is a physical freak. He doesn’t need half of the gift of gab that he mumbles through because he has the ability to lift the ring up and look to see if someone’s hiding under there with a crow bar.

But can someone from the congregation explain something to me? Why are they having this guy break people’s arms with a Kamura? During Lesnar’s stint in MMA, which the WWE is blatantly trying to pay homage to, he used his wrestling and his anvil-like fists to destroy his opponents. Anytime he used any Muay Thai or Brazilian Jui Jitsu, Les’ looked more like Daniel Larusso before Mr. Miyagi jumped off that fence and attacked the Cobra Kai.

Stick to the F-5.

Prediction: Even with Shawn Michaels around, Lesnar is going to F-5 his way to victory. Hopefully, Vince will pay him enough to keep him around for many more SummerSlam Main Events. Everyone enjoys an immovable object.

 

CM Punk vs. John Cena vs. The Big Show (WWE Title Match)

After a great six months of pushing CM Punk, WWE matchmakers have kind of stalled on what to do with him next. Punk does the best he has with what he’s given, but WWE doesn’t know what to do with a heel the audience refuses to turn on. Punk is a different animal. Ric Flair was such a great bad guy that the audience played the part and hated him the way in which he wanted them. DX was so over-the-top at being naughty (I mean, they were pointing at their crotches telling you to suck it) that the crowd reveled in their villainous buffoonery.

But Punk is left trying to make lemons out of lemon rinds right now because I’m sure they have a GREAT idea for WrestleMania. Hold. Hoooooold!

What better way to slow their roll than to put him in a Triple Threat Match with the company man, Cena and the guy they’re waiting to put up against Lesnar for the umpteenth time, Big Show?

Prediction: I’m positive CM Punk will find a way to make this match original and interesting. I’m hoping WWE doesn’t keep him from continuing one of the best individual years in wrestling in over a decade.

 

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane

Can we all agree that AJ is being wasted in a suit? Mr. McMahon thought it would be a great idea to interrupt AJ and Daniel Bryan’s wedding to offer her the GM spot on Raw. AJ chose Raw over Bryan, and his “Yes! Yes! Yes!” immediately turned to “No! No! No!.”

Kane likes AJ. He also likes fire. And his brother is a dead man. All told, he likes dangerous things.

Prediction: Daniel Bryan is much better served when he’s not getting what he wants. My guess is he somehow wins this match, but AJ and Kane somehow make him feel like he didn’t. Like, I don’t know, maybe Kane rips that pantsuit off of her, and she’s left standing in the ring in her lingerie- staring up at Kane smiling with those crazy eyes. A guy can dream, can’t he?

 

Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho

In the late 90s, Y2J was the best thing that happened to the Cruiserweight division in WCW. In 2012, Dolph Ziggler should be thanking his lucky stars that Y2J has returned in full force. Jerichoholics unite! Welcome to Slam.. Is.. Jerichoooo!!!

Jericho’s microphone skills have forced Ziggler to step his game up, as I’m just as sure Ziggler’s youth and ring prowess (best bumps in pro wrestling!) will force Jericho to reach back into the bag one more time in order to put the up-and-comer over.

Prediction: Y2J gives his best stuff in years, but Ziggler wins in larger-than-life fashion. How about one of those textbook 20 two-count finishes the Canadians do so well?

Rey Mysterio vs. The Miz (Intercontinental Title Match)

REALLY???

Prediction: 6-1-9

 

R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs. The Prime Time Players

Note to WWE: Please find a way to make me care about the Tag Team Championship. Use this as a way to put your younger stars over on your older performers who are good with the mic and can still move in the ring… What’s that you say? Y2J was in a match earlier and needs a new storyline after losing to Ziggler? Make it his mission to get a strap… Jericho making fun of his new tag partner would eat up 15 minutes of any show- Smackdown, Raw or otherwise.

I’d likely watch that ten times over before I have to see another cartwheel from Lanny Poffo-wannabe Damien Sandow.

Prediction: Who cares?

Well, that about wraps it up, much like I hope Antonio Cesaro does with Teddy Long’s ex-girlfriend Aksana.

Prediction: Sorry Santino, there will be a new United States Champion this Sunday via Facebook.

Until next time, Brother Joe out!