Sister Emma’s Confessions: Aaahh!!! Real Sharks

Actually in this video, there are nothing but fictional sharks.

Sister Emma's Confessions: Aaahh!!! Real Sharks
Dude, I’m a YouTube Star. I know a green screen shot when I see one.

Well brothers and sisters, it’s Shark Week.  And that means it’s time to put your personal life on hold and devote all of your precious free time to “Chompie” (thankfully back this year after his mysterious absence in 2011 and a surprisingly cheerful, humorous host as he or they introduce a bevy of shark related programming.

This years line-up includes everything from “Impossible Shots” which is, you guessed it, an hour of footage acquired with great personal risk to the people involved in filming it, to Jaws‘ lasting impact on humanity’s view of sharks, to the defense of efforts of shark attack survivors who have developed a bizarre manifestation of something like Stockholm syndrome. But perhaps the most fascinating addition to this year’s shark week, at least in the ever authoritative opinion of this pro-shark Sister, is Sharkzilla.

To celebrate it’s 25th anniversary, the good people behind Shark Week have constructed a replica of the largest fish to ever swim in Earth’s oceans: the 60 ft. long, 100,000 lbs. monstrosity Megalodon, that could literally chomp a T-Rex in two as easily as an eight year old human demolishes a Twinkie.

Fortunately, this prehistoric nightmare was reconstructed with inorganic materials, inculding steel for the teeth and some seriously tough fabric for the body, instead of actually be resurrected from DNA contained in the bloodsucking body of an ancient mosquito preserved in amber.

Sister Emma's Confessions: Aaahh!!! Real Sharks
Miraculously, no one in the Discovery Channel Building was harmed when this giant shark unexpectedly crashed through floors five through seven

We don’t need a Jurassic Park situation on this year’s spring break, thank you very much.

The only actual remains of Megalodon are a handful of the creature’s 250 serrated teeth.  They’re seven inches long and to say they’re super sharp is like saying Mark Zuckerburg has a little bit of disposable income.  These teeth are not just incredibly rare, but also deadly weapons; dragonglass ain’t got nothin’ on these chompers.  If they could only get some in Westeros.. thennn.. you better watch yourselves White Walkers, because you’ll be dead and not coming back this time.

Much as I love sharks and particularly this one who lived alongside the dinosaurs (another obsession of mine; I know, I know), I must say to the wonderful people at Shark Week that I cannot support their decision to have their mechanical replica of Megalodon chomp on a beer keg.  That was a terribly unfortunate waste of perfectly good beer.

Hopefully it was only “Natty” or “Beast” and not something more appetizing (Editor’s note: Uhh.. Landshark?).

Witness the alcohol abuse for yourself here.

Use Facebook to Comment on this Post

9 Replies to “Sister Emma’s Confessions: Aaahh!!! Real Sharks”

  1. Emma, you have to do a piece on my “Cat-v-Dog” battle of the ages!!! It’s more adventurous than “Tom & Jerry” and as clever as “Roadrunner & Coyote” and every bit as clever as “Spy vs. Spy.” Well, okay, maybe not…but it should be. Thx for the fun!!!

    Herb Moore
    Disney artist on Phineas & Ferb

  2. Really smart, brilliant article with some quality writing. Sharks are def geek-hating-gods, after all 🙂

  3. Firstly, you have more chance of getnitg hit by a car or killed by a coconut falling on your head than getnitg attacked by a shark. A shark isn’t going to pick you by what colour your boogie board is. Usually they attack people who have just gone to the toilet or are simply the unlucky ones. I think Mythbusters found that sharks are not attracted to certain colours but they tend to bite the colour yellow more once they do attack. Dont worry about them though, they aren’t an issue! Just pick a cool bodyboard!

  4. The U.S. Navy found that the color most easily seen from the air for ltfarefis, was also the color most easily seen by sharks, so it got the nickname of Yum Yum Yellow . I think that is when ltfarefis started appearing in orange. So I would think a dark orange would be a good choice.Sharks in the surf are very rare. When near they are very visible from the air, and West Coast beaches get a lot of fly overs.

  5. Look i dont know a huge deal about shark behavior, but your best bet with any pteadror is to not act like their prey, get a board that isnt colored like something sharks eat and that is your best bet, bright orange or something.

Comments are closed.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial

Wait! GodLOVESGeeks! Follow us :)