Ringside Apostles Presents… FLASHBACK FRIDAY [Episode 15]: December To Dismember.

“Pastor” Shawn Puff
@Shawn Puffy

It’s Friday once again and we all know what that means. It’s time to get out your fanny pack, put on your Cross Colors, and pull your walkman out of storage. OK. You might not need to get all of that stuff out.

First, we’ll start with the good ole’ Waybach Machine. Fire that bad larry up and let’s get some dates put in. We’re going to December 3rd, 2006. Next, we need to set the location. This week, we’re heading to James Brown Arena in Augusta, Georgia. Yeah, that’s right. We’re heading to ECW December to Dismember! In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m your boy Shawn Puff, and this… is Flashback Friday.

Before we get started, we need a disclaimer. This is WWE’s version of ECW, so we have to keep that in mind. Joey Styles is the commentator with Tazz so at least we get the feel of a real ECW show. Incidentally, this is the first elimination chamber match for ECW. I’m pretty sure it’s also the last, but I could be wrong. My hopes are that we don’t get the Yeti or the Mummy. Geesh, that was bad creative.

MNM w/ Melina vs The Hardy Boys – For starters, the fans are insanely behind the Hardy’s. I almost felt like I should be cheering for them too. Second, who told Joey Mercury it was a good idea to braid his hair? They should be fired. This is a good opener, but I do have to ask, can someone stick something in Melina’s mouth so she stops screaming? Please. Wait… Jeff Hardy has braids too? WTF? Who is doing their hair? Was 2006 the year of braids in WWF?

Of course, Melina gets involved. Jeff, being the white trash he is, took control and knocked her off the apron. I’m sure this is going to have something to do with the outcome. Moments later, I find out I’m wrong about that. The Hardys hit a Swanton on BOTH members of MNM and get the win. – 3.5/5

Matt Striker vs Balls Mahoney – Striker comes out and ran his mouth in the ring. He says this will be fought under Striker rules. Whatever those are. I’m actually pretty sure that nobody knows what the hell he is even talking about. Striker has a picture of his face on his ass. No top ropes. There’s one of his rules. I don’t see Mahoney going to the top much anyway. What is the actual point in that? Whatever. Balls gets the win and nobody really cares. – 1/5

Next, we find Sabu laid out in the back with paramedics and officials around him. Paul Heyman shows up asking what happened and says Sabu is in his main event. Paramedics put him on a stretcher and the fans chant bullshit. Basically.

Sylvester Terkay & Elijah Burke vs the FBI (Tony Marmaluke & Lil’ Guido) w/ Trinity – I don’t remember Terkay at all. Also, I don’t know who Trinity is. but I’d like to find out. Wow. My first question is, whatever happened to Big Sal? This wasn’t a very competitive match at all. It actually isn’t even worth talking about.  Burke and Terkay win easily. – 1/5

Daivari w/ The Great Khali vs Tommy Dreamer – Khali gets sent to the back for interfering early in this one. Damn. Khali vs Dreamer would have been such a better match. Daivari rolls up Dreamer and grabs a handful of tights to get the pin. Tazz is confused. So am I. What in the actual fuck is going on? Dreamer chases Daivari and Khali cuts him off on the ramp. Khali chokeslams him onto the ramp and he and Daivari stand over a fallen Dreamer. What a waster of time. 1/5

Paul Heyman announces Hardcore Holly in the elimination chamber. The fans aren’t too excited about it. Can you blame them? You pay for Sabu and get Bob Holly. Fuck off.

Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly vs Kevin Thorne & Ariel – WWE has never done intergender matches right. I’m sure this one is going to be more of the same bullshit along those lines. Pretty sure Thorne bit Ariel’s neck before the match started. I don’t even know. Tazz keeps getting lost over Ariel and Kelly Kelly.

By the way, I was right. When a woman tags in, the other woman needs to tag in. Wow. Mike Know just turned on Kelly Kelly and left her in the ring to deal with Ariel and Kevin Thorne by herself. Ariel easily gets the pin. After the match, Ariel continues to assault Kelly until Sandman showed up! Sandman gets in the ring and whoops Thorne with his kendo stick. Well, that’s a way to steal an extra point in your match rating. 2/5

Whoa. Who is Rebecca? And why don’t I know her? I actually rewound this just to see her again. She’s interviewing Bobby Lashley and talking about his past with the Big Show. We see a clip with Big Show vs Lashley and Paul Heyman making sure Show won. Bobby says he’s confident he will win even with the deck stacked against him.

Paul Heyman comes out to introduce the elimination chamber match. Heyman has guards surrounding him in riot gear. He announces that Sabu has been taken out and the fans chant bullshit. Heyman says Sabu’s day is past. Heyman says to fast forward to 2006 or 2007 and that the Big Show will still be the ECW champ and carrying the company on. Little does Paul know that after 342 face/heel turns, Big Show won’t be the champ and ECW will be dead.

Extreme Elimination Chamber – ECW Championship: Big Show (c) vs CM Punk vs Test vs Bobby Lashley vs Hardcore Holly vs Rob Van Dam – First, this is a different kind of elimination chamber as there are weapons in the pods and all around the ring. RVD and Hardcore Holly start out with the other four competitors in the pods. RVD flies around the ring, even clinging to the chamber cage and jumping onto a prone Holly.

This was vicious from the start. CM Punk is the first one out of the pod and he has a chair with him. Van Dam ended up split open and Holly worked over Punk. He hit a superplex and RVD tried to steal a pin and eliminate Punk. All three competitors are hurting as we prepare for entrant number four.

The buzzer sounds and Test comes in with a crowbar. He immediately attacks Punk and then grinds the end of the crowbar into RVD’s head. Somehow a bloody RVD was able to fight back with a chair. I wonder if that blood happened the hard way. RVD hits a five-star frog splash and gets the three count on Punk. The ref then counted Hardcore Holly down but it didn’t seem like it and everyone missed it. Meanwhile, Van Dam climbs to the top of Show’s pod and gets his foot grabbed by Big Show. Test tossed Van Dam to the mat and delivered an elbow from the top of the pod and eliminated RVD.

In total, half of the combatants are eliminated and Test is waiting for the next person to be released from the pod. Lashley is the next one in but Heyman’s henchmen locked him in. Huh? This makes no fucking sense. Why would you lock him in? You can’t beat him now. This is dumb. Whoa. Lashley busted himself out of the pod by using the table to break the chains on the top of the pod. Well, it’s obvious that Test is going to get his ass kicked now. He’s got four minutes on his own with Lashley. Bobby Lashley hits a spear and eliminates Test with over one-minute left.

Heyman screams at Show to not underestimate Lashley. Meanwhile, Lashley gets that table out of his pod and comes to Show’s pod to wait for him. Big Show brings the barbed wire bat with him and stares down Lashley. Show swings the bat at Lashley and smashes his chair. Show gets his bat stuck in the chains of the cage next. Lashley throws Big Show through the pod and followed him in dropping fists on Show’s head.

Show is bleeding and snorting and spitting everywhere and lays out Lashley with a clothesline. Next, he goes for a chokeslam but Lashley reverses it into a DDT. Lashley reverses a power slam, bounces off the ropes, and hits a spear. The Show is down and Lashley gets the three count and is the new ECW Champion!! That was very unbelievable for the record. 3/5

In general, this show started out strong and ended strong with a bunch of shit in between. I mean, a BUNCH of shit. The Kelly Kelly/ Mike Know story was cringe. To be clear, Striker only had a job because of the publicity he got from getting fired as a teacher for going to wrestling bookings. (Kind of epic. I won’t lie.)

Taking Sabu out of the match for Hardcore Holly was not only pointless but actually pretty stupid seeing as the ECW fans that were in the building were a lot more excited to see Sabu than Sparky Frickin’ Plug. Basically, it’s completely understandable why ECW died when you watch this. This was the drizzling shits.

Overall = 2/5 Bibles

-Shawn Puff

Use Facebook to Comment on this Post