TGIFF Bay Bay!! No, my keyboard did not stick. That stands for Thank GodHatesHeeks It’s Flashback Friday!! It’ your boy Shawn Puff here once again to take you back in time to the days of yore when wrestling was better, 50/50 booking, goofy gimmicks, and fuck finishes weren’t a thing… at least, that’s how I remember it. Right? Hmmm… Guess we’ll find out!!
Let’s hop in the Way-Back Machine and set the date for August 17th, 2007, and the destination for Madison Square Garden and we’re going to drop in for an episode of Saturday Nights Main Event! Let’s go!!!!
Saturday Night’s Main Event starts with Vince McMahon sitting in the back with Coach. Vince gave Coach all his information and tonight he feels he can figure out who on the WWE roster is Vince’s illegitimate son. Oh yeah. This is going to be a good one. On top of that, we’re going to see Evander Holyfield in a boxing match against Matt Hardy and John Cena versus Carlito in a Big Apple Showdown… whatever that is. Let’s get down to the ring for the first match of the night.
Batista & Kane vs Finlay & The Great Khali – Batista comes out for the opening match of the night. Batista was preparing for a World Title match against Khali coming up, next week at SummerSlam. Tonight, he’s teaming up with Kane. They’re taking on Finlay and the World Champion Khali. Okay. These are two very strange teams. At least there’s a lot of action to start this night off. A bunch of big hosses in here doing their thing. Wait… Hornswoggle is here!!! …. And Hornswoggle is being used as a battering ram against Khali.
Great, this is turning into a comedy spot with the current WWE Champion. Awesome. … Khali tried to chokeslam Batista and Kane but they reversed it and hit a double chokeslam on the champ and then it was a spear and a Batista-Bomb to Finlay for the victory for the good guys. It’s hard to believe they booked Khali so solidly as champion. – 2.5/5
Could have been a 3-star match if it went a little bit longer and they didn’t have interference by Hornswoggle, which made absolutely no sense at all, by the way.
Now we’re in the back and Vince is with Coach telling him that he can’t wait to find out who his son is. Vince stops in front of a mirror and like a scene out of Snow White, the mirror does some magic and Vince is staring at himself, 20-years younger. As he walks away, Ron Simmons walks over to the mirror to see what that was all about, and fittingly says, “DAMN!” … I concur.
After we get a backstage shot of MVP welcoming Evander Holyfield, we go to the ring and Johnathan Coachman is in the ring with Vince to give his “research” on who Mr. McMahon’s illegitimate son is. Holy shit, they’re going waaaaaaay too far with this one. Coach calls him a feral man with natural urges before Vince snaps at him to get on with this. Thanks. He mentions a night in Kentucky and brings out Eugene as Vince’s possible child…
Eugene says his Uncle Eric said Vince nailed his mom and that’s why he was going to get into wrestling and put Vince out of business. Vince snaps at him and said he never had sex with his cousin and that Eugene was NOT his kid and kicked him out of the ring. Oh, this train wreck is about to go downhill really fast and with no regard isn’t it?
Next, Coach brings out Melina as his possible daughter. Vince is adamant that she is not his daughter. Pretty sure Vince banged Melina…. Yup. That’s what he’s suggesting. Melina says that if she’s his daughter that she’ll take him for everything and storms out of the ring. What in the name of backyard mud show shit am I watching right now? Coach says he has one more and Vince says forget it and then changes his mind and decides he wants to hear it. He says bring him out and here come the shattered glass sounds!!
Haha! This is rich. Vince says there’s no chance in hell that Steve Austin is his son. Stone Cold says he should stun Vince but it’s not worth it and he should help him with his overactive grapefruits, so he hits him in the nuts, TWICE, and then stuns Coach. Cue the beers and Austin must drink beers. He just poured a beer on Vince’s grapefruits. That’s alcohol abuse, Austin!!! Vince gets back up holding a beer to his nuts and Austin apologizes and says he wants to drink a beer with Vince. They cheer, and he hits a stunner to the chairman in Madison Square Garden. All this and we still have no clue who Vince’s son is.
Big Apple Showdown: John Cena vs Carlito – Does anyone know what a Big Apple Showdown is? I have no clue, but that’s what’s up next. Weird. A belt is floating to the ring on its own. Must be John Cena. You can’t see him. Sorry. I had to. Cena would face Randy Orton eight days from this show at SummerSlam for the title. And here comes Carlito. He spits in the face of people that don’t want to be cool. How has this guy not resurfaced somewhere — besides the hit Netflix show GLOW — yet?
The match starts and Carlito tries to bring a chair into the ring early. We come back from commercial and Cena makes quick work of Carlito. He locks in the STF and gets Carlito to tap. Question. Why build up a match with the hype of calling it a Big Apple Showdown and have it play out like that. That was absolutely pointless. As soon as Cena’s music starts, Randy Orton strikes and takes out the champ. Orton grabs a chair. It looks like he’s going to go for an RKO on the standing chair. Ouch. That looked like it hurt. – 1.5/5
This match was a dud until Orton came out at the end and made it exciting. Seems like Orton just set himself to win the title in eight days. For the record, if Orton didn’t happen, this one would have legit been scored a dud by me.
Boxing Match: Matt Hardy vs Evander Holyfield w/ MVP – It’s Main Event time now, and Matt Hardy is the first one out to the ring. MVP comes out next with his entourage. Just so we’re clear, MVP challenged Hardy to this match and then backed out due to a “heart condition”. Holyfield is out last. I don’t really get why MVP is out here with an entire entourage if he’s not even in the match. Oh hey, it’s Michael Buffer. This is a surprise. It feels like WCW now with all this horrible booking AND Michael Buffer. Not a good thing. MVP has Buffer introduce him too. Great heel tactic.
Holyfield was 42-9-2 going into this match. Apparently, he was about to face the reigning WBA Champion Nikolai Valuev in December to try to become the 5-time World Champion. (Spoiler: He lost) Hardy is wearing headgear. Holyfield isn’t. This is ugly. Round one is done and Hardy got through, literally, because the bell rang. MVP is in Holyfield’s corner running his mouth while his trainer tells him to get down. Evander wants to stop the match because Hardy is totally assed-out. MVP grabs Holyfield’s to stop him from leaving the ring, aaaaand it’s a right cross, and MVP is knocked out cold. Yup. Saw that one coming. Kind of what happens anytime a boxer gets involved with wrestling. So, this match doesn’t even continue. Holyfield holds Hardy’s hand up and then leaves the ring. Ugh. ANOTHER fuck finish in the main event. What the hell did I just watch? – Dud
Who booked this shit? No. Really. Was this Russo?? Bischoff?? Heyman?? Fuck. This was bad.
John Morrison & Big Daddy V w/ Matt Stryker vs. CM Punk & The Boogeyman – Tazz … with two Z’s… comes out to join the announce team as the ECW announcer. ECW was just recently brought back as a third brand in case you’re wondering what the hell is going on. It was horrible. I guess we’ve got a match AFTER the main event. … Seems legit. … It’s the Boogeyman and CM Punk versus the ECW Champion, John Morrison, and Big Daddy V. Another weird and random tag team matchup. This feels like New Japan, just with worse wrestling.
Matt Striker is Big Daddy V’s manager. I honestly don’t remember this at all. Maybe it’s the weed I’ve smoked, but I’d be more inclined to blame it on it just being bad ideas from bad creative so I put it out of my mind. Viscera was a monster and he could move. Punk is facing Morrison at SummerSlam for the ECW Championship. This was fast-paced but not that entertaining. And it’s another quick match as Punk gets Morrison with a roll-up for the pinfall victory heading into the PPV. At least the crowd was into it. – 2/5
And the crowd goes Meh. No. They actually popped for CM Punk. It was honestly a good way to end the night, even if the match, itself, was garbage.
So, this was one of the LAST Saturday Night’s Main Events. … After watching this, I can totally understand why. I never got the hype with bringing old boxers, nearing retirement, into wrestling. It just didn’t make sense to me. As a matter of fact, this ENTIRE night didn’t make sense to me. Who booked this shit? Seriously. … At least there were ring girls I guess.
Overall Score = 1.5/5 Bibles.
Between the shitty matches and the poorly overacted and extremely drawn-out McMahon’s illegitimate child angle, I don’t which made this show worse. I need to get back to 2020 after this and we all know how bad THAT is.