SCARLET NEXUS [Review]: A Game For Brainiacs.

When it comes to anime-styled RPG’s, I often caution myself before diving in as many of them feel like slight remixes of other games within the genre. Yet, there was something that stood out to me about Scarlet Nexus. It looked like an RPG with silky smooth hack & slash combat and gave me vibes of Astral Chain, a game in which I adore. Scarlet Nexus wound up being a more unique experience than it presented itself to be, but I didn’t really see its charm until several hours into my first playthrough. Scarlet Nexus is more of a storybook game in manga style, with some amazing combat sprinkled in between.

Am I Playing A Manga?

Initially, I felt the manga-styled story telling was a lazy way for Bandai Namco to minimize resources by avoiding cool animated cutscene’s. The intro to Scarlet Nexus has amazing animation and I so desperately wanted that in cutscenes — a similar complaint had with Code Vein. As I progressed through the game, I realized that this way of storytelling is actually pretty creative and purposefully done. Yet despite becoming fond of the manga style for dialogue sequences, I didn’t like it as much for action scenes. I suppose I’ll have to wait for the Scarlet Nexus anime to get some well animated action.

You get a choice to play as one of two main protagonists, Yuito Sumeragi or Kasane Randall. Both of these characters have psychokinesis powers but their main weapon and background stories are different. Therefore, you’ll get a different perspective and story arc playing through the game as each character. Even though the ending is the same regardless of the character you pick, I think it’s worth playing twice to understands the full picture and get the most out of the game. You’re not forced to play as one specific character, but I do recommend playing as Yuito first because his story arc does a lot more explaining of the complex systems going on in this world. Plus, Yuito’s combat style is also more traditional as he wields a sword, versus Kasane who wields throwing knives.

Kasane and Yuito live in a world where humanity has developed psionic powers, but a mysterious threat called “Others” feast on human brains. A defense unit called OSF (Other Suppression Force) is deployed to save humanity from this threat. Kasane, Yuito, and other animu character’s you bond with join the OSF and use their powers to save humanity. You’ll spend most of the game listening to dialogue in a manga-styled form. You’ll get to know other members of the OSF, learn about the origin of the “Others”, question the legitimacy of the government and other organizations, and explore your own purpose in this world.

The beginning of the game is overloaded with information because there are so many characters and the world building is pretty complex. Some dramatic moments in the earlier half of the game felt less impactful because of how little you got to know the characters at that point. The information overload is overwhelming at first and I truly didn’t wrap my head around everyone and everything until my second playthrough as Yuito.

Once I overcame being overwhelmed with the story, I appreciated the complexity. My imagination began to wander into how things will unfold. Scarlet Nexus falls into the common theme of 2021 where many forms of media are leaning into time and space travel (e.g., Ratchet & Clank Rift Apart, Deathloop, Loki, WandaVision, Returnal). The time travel didn’t get as out-of-hand as I imagined, although I wonder if the anime or a sequel will explore some of the complexities of the world more deeply. I’m definitely into the world created in Scarlet Nexus.

So Many Waifu’s & Husbando’s

Being introduced to a ton of characters in the beginning of the game made it hard to connect to any of them. They all presented as cliché anime characters without much substance. Thankfully there’s bond episodes where in between phases (missions), you spend one on one time with these characters. I was only intrigued by the bond episodes of characters whose loyalty were questionable, or who had some connection to the main story. The bond episodes for the rest of the characters felt lackluster as you only spend time exploring their interests. Doing these bond episodes is completely optional, yet many of them add more layers to the bigger picture. If you complete all of the bond episodes, they will take up a big chunk of your gameplay time, but you’ll have a better understanding of the story and feel more connected to the characters in your party.

There’s also a text message system called brain messages where you can chat with characters and activate some bond episodes. The idea of getting a text from someone that transmitted directly through the brain is a freaky and cool concept. However, this system felt very redundant next to the dense dialogue. It’s basically characters repeating what just happened during your bond episode or your last mission. This was only initially helpful to refresh my memory of all the information being passed along, but eventually felt like a nuisance to get through.

You can max out bond levels by completing these episodes and giving character’s gifts. Every gift you give to a character is displayed in their section of the hideout. If you max out your bond with all characters, the hideout will have so much life and cool things to look at. You can reach max bond with every single character, so you won’t have that special waifu or husbando.

While it’s a nice change of pace spending time with these characters in the hideout after a mission, sometimes the bond episodes felt tonally disconnected to the bigger story. For example, there may be a moment where a character dies and everyone is sad, but then immediately after that mission you to hang out with another character in your hideout and talk about their crush.

We Bond, We Fight

Similar to games like Persona or Fire Emblem, bonding with these characters increases battle efficiency. You’re connected to these characters through a system called SAS (Struggle Arms System), where you can activate their psionic powers in battle. Each character’s ability is mapped to the main buttons and you can modify it to your liking. You can even upgrade your brain map (skill tree) to activate multiple SAS powers at once. I loved applying a pyrokinetic (fire) or electrokinetic (lightening) abilities to my weapon, then slowing down time with Hypervelocity to maximize damage. There are so many different SAS combinations that will make combat feel satisfying and refreshing. In the first half of the game you’ll have limited party members, but toward the end you’ll have so many powers to switch in between. As you increase bonds with characters, you can activate the SAS for longer and unlock special attacks.

Psychokinesis (Yuito, Kasane) – Throws object to your face.
Invisibility (Kagero) – You can’t see me, but I can see you.
Hypervelovity (Arashi) – Too fast for you.
Duplication (Kyoka) – Kage Bunshin No Jutsu/ Shadow Clone.
Electrokinesis (Shiden) – It’s Electrifying!
PyroKinesis (Hhanabi) – Burn Baby Burn!
Clairvoyance (Tsugumi) – Can see through fog or invisibility (sorry Kagero).
Teleportation (Luka) – Can’t touch this!
Sclerokinesis (Gemma) – Invulnerable shield.

As Yuito or Kasane, you’ll be using your psychokinetic abilities to hurl objects across the room and across an enemy’s face by holding down the triggers. Scarlet Nexus is just a reminder that psychokinetic powers are super fun in games, just as they were in Control or Bioshock. You do have an energy bar limiting how much you can use your ability, so when you’re not using psychokinesis, you will be hacking and slashing with your weapon. As Kasane and Yuito become more seasoned with their psychokensis, they learn an ability called Brain Drive that decreases SAS cooldown time and using psychokinesis requires less energy. Then, they unlock Brain Field that provides unrestricted psychokinesis and attacks are stronger. You can only use Brain Field for a limited amount of time before your character dies, but there are entire skill tree’s dedicated to Brain Drive, Brain Field, SAS, and melee attacks to make them more effective.

Initially, I was annoyed that the dodge roll didn’t feel as responsive as I wanted. Then I realized I could activate teleportation with Luka to avoid a lot of attacks or equip a battle plug in to improve evade. Often times my frustration was linked to my lack of understanding of the intricate combat systems in place. The dance between hacking, slashing, dodging, throwing objects, and activating SAS is extremely satisfying.

When It Looks Weird, Just Call It “Other”

These “Others” you fight are extremely weird looking. Try to imagine a creature that looks like a horse/tree thing with a water wheel face. Now imagine a bouquet of flowers wearing a corset and high heels. Yep, that weird. There is an explanation for the appearance of the “Others”, but either way I have to give credit to an eccentric enemy design. Each “Other” has a brain hidden in various places, so you’ll have to hit the weakness before you can perform a brain crush for the kill. Some “Others” have their weak points shielded and others (hah) requires more sophisticated ways to be killed. For example, there are “Others” who will hide in an invulnerable shell, so you’ll need to activate Kagoro’s Invisibility SAS to get them out of their shell to do damage.

Initially, I was annoyed that my hacking and slashing felt ineffective and I was constantly on the ground due to negative status effects, but later I discovered some of these enemies are supposed to be approached like a puzzle. This is where the combat feels unique to typical action RPGs with hack and slash combat. Your enemies are puzzles to be solved using SAS powers, so don’t get too comfortable using your silky-smooth weapons slashes.

Most RPG’s fall into the camp of having a lot of grinding and fetch quests. I was relieved to see that the side missions in Scarlet Nexus simply involved defeating a specific enemy in a specific way. You could tackle these as you go through main missions and it felt good to not go out of my way too much. These side quests reward you with various battle items, upgrades, cosmetic accessories, or gifts for your party. The main menu conveniently includes a bestiary informing you of enemy locations and what items they drop. I rarely spent any money in this game because I had a lot of enemy item drops to exchange for what I needed. The only grinding included completing the entire brain map skill tree for the platinum, but once again, optional. If a game doesn’t have endgame content, it would be nice to allow everything to be fully upgraded naturally through progression, to enjoy being beefed up before putting the game down for good.

Brain Punk Soundtrack – It Slaps

I made mention of many things that initially turned me off about Scarlet Nexus but later grew on me. One thing that stood out as a strength from the minute I booted the game is the soundtrack. I was impressed with the variety of EDM, rock, pop, mixed with turntable scratching and traditional Japanese flute to fit the tone in the game.

The music was more effective in demonstrating the atmosphere of the New Himuka neopunk city than the visual environment. The levels are all linear, which I don’t mind at all but none of them were particularly interesting to explore because they lacked detail. These environments reminded me of Code Vein, bland and linear.

What Code Vein did excel in, that Scarlet Nexus would’ve benefitted from adopting is cute accessories for Kasane, Yuito, and all of the other OSF members in your party. You buy or exchange to obtain various accessories like horns, bird tails, baki (cute plush thing AKA merch opportunity) hair clips or backpacks, cat ears, and more. I didn’t find any of the alternative outfits or accessories to be as cool as the original set, though that didn’t at all take away from me enjoying the game. It’s a cool little option and if you put a baki hairclip on Yuito, you won’t regret it.

The Manga Game Is Good

If you are a fan of anime-styled action RPG’s, you’ll absolutely adore the Brain Punk RPG elements in Scarlet Nexus. If you’re picky like me, I still think this is a good pick up. I enjoyed learning more Yuito, Kasane, and the other OSF members. I was constantly questioning the cause of this apocalyptic world and how the New Himuka’s politics played a role in addressing it. There are so many layers to the combat and story that feel unique enough to set it apart from other action RPG’s. Just keep in mind, you’ll spend more time in heavy dialogue than in combat, which is a bit of a shame because the combat is so good. 3.25/5 Whiskeys.

-Dee Assassina

August 12, 2019

KINGDOM [Review] All For One.

I haven’t read any of the 55 volumes (and counting) of Yasuhisa Hara’s Kingdom manga or watched any of the 77 episodes of the anime adapted by animation studio Pierrot (Bleach, Yu Yu Hakusho, and Tokyo Ghoul among many others)…

To make matters worse, I haven’t seen any of the films by director and co-screenwriter Shinsuke Sato (the two live-action Gantz films, Death Note: Light Up the New World, the live-action Bleach film for Netflix). I’m going into Kingdom completely blind and I have no idea if that makes the viewing experience any better or worse.

In 255 B.C., Kingdom revolves around the quick-tempered and charge-headfirst-into-battle-without-thinking Xin (Kento Yamazaki) that dreams of being the greatest general of the Qin Kingdom. There’s other shit going on; a bloody 500 year war between the seven states of China, Xin’s best friend Piao (Ryô Yoshizawa) being enlisted by the King only to turn around and be killed, and King Yin Zheng being a splitting image of Piao, but nothing is emphasized or screamed louder than Xin’s desire to become the greatest general China has ever known.

That game of Whack-a-Mole was fixed and you know it!

Kingdom feels like it’s about 45 minutes too long for its own good. The first hour seems to drag as blood spraying into the air every now and then isn’t enough to keep you fully intrigued. The manga is an exaggerated recounting of Zheng actually becoming king in 221 B.C. during the Warring States period and eventually unifying China while the characters are loosely based on actual historical figures. The action adventure film attempts to portray Xin and Piao as worthy and capable swordsman because they clunked stick swords together 10,000 times in an empty field throughout their childhood and teenage years.

The film tries to compensate for its slow first hour with a more eventful second half, but it doesn’t totally succeed. Yang Duan He (Masami Nagasawa) and her mountain tribe are pretty awesome. Their masks remind you of something straight out of Princess Mononoke and you’ll be trying your hardest not to compare Yang Duan He to Xena: Warrior Princess. There’s this competition for the throne that gets a little complicated. Zheng’s brother Cheng Jiao (Kanata Hongo) is nasty and heartless and basically a human version of Salacious Crumb sitting on an even more elaborate version of Jabba the Hutt’s dais. Zheng and Jiao have the same father, but different mothers; Jiao’s is of royal blood and Zheng’s is a dancer or, in other words, a commoner. Jiao viewed peasantry as being bone deep; it isn’t something that can ever go away.

The main theme of Kingdom sounds like a direct ripoff of the main Guardians of the Galaxy theme, which is kind of a mindfuck. The prosthetics and make-up effects in the film are questionable with Li Dian, the original slave owner of Xin and Piao, having this awkwardly orange colored face, inhumanly puffy cheeks, stringy facial hair, and the ugliest facial expressions imaginable. After Xin joins up with Zheng, a girl in a bushy owl costume named He Liao Diao (Kanna Hasimoto) is mostly only around to take everyone to the mountains later. The chemistry Xin, Zheng, and Diao have is reminiscent of what Mugen, Jin, and Foo have in Samurai Champloo. Another observation is that Xin is basically Goku with Vegeta’s short-fuse temper; he lives to fight and eat, he’s dumber than a bag of rocks, and he can’t identify a woman when she’s standing directly in front of him.

Cheng Jiao’s go-to henchman, former general and current hitman for hire Zuo Ci (Tak Sakaguchi) may be the film’s coolest badass. He doesn’t give a shit about anybody, tells Xin that all dreams are bullshit, and is a part of what is arguably the best action sequence in the film. Meanwhile, General Wang Yi (Takao Ohsawa), the most renowned general in all of China and the guy with the status Xin plans on taking in the future, is a bit overrated. He mostly just parades his weird and pointy facial hair around and swings his giant sword as if it won’t remind us of Guts from Berserk.

Rock-Paper-Scissors was crazy in the before times.

All in all, Kingdom is a decent action adventure that just takes a while to really get going. The performances aren’t totally satisfying with Kento Yamazaki hamming it up on more than occasion and taking the brainless dolt with a huge mouth thing to uncomfortable levels. The story isn’t exactly hard to follow, but it does feel like it’s trying to be more convoluted than it needs to be. You don’t feel any sort of attachment to any of the characters and any sort of twist can be seen long before the reveal. Kingdom is just an okay way to spend two hours that is probably a justifiable rental on a day when you have nothing better to do, but is not worth paying full price to own. 3/5 Stick-Envy Riddled Bibles.

-Chris Sawin

August 5, 2019

HOBBS & SHAW [Review]: The Ultimate Big Balls Competition.

Before you read this review of Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw, I just want you to know that I can’t stand this fucking franchise. I gave up keeping up with them after Furious 7 and felt like the Fast & Furious franchise peaked/was tolerable around Fast Five and never really went anywhere worthwhile before or since. I have not seen all the films and really only seemed to watch every other entry, but whether you’re in a heist or a drag race that lethal dose of masculinity being projectile vomited all over you by an entire cast (women included) for two hours straight is dull and tiresome. In fact, just call this franchise “Dull & Tiresome” from here on out and I doubt anyone would notice. It’s even got “tire” in there for car…stuff.

Ignoring the fact that screenwriters Chris Morgan (writer of every Fast and Furious entry since Tokyo Drift) and Drew Pearce (writer and director of the flop known as Hotel Artemis) were involved, I actually like David Leitch’s work (co-director of John Wick, director of Deadpool 2 and Atomic Blonde) even if he is probably going to fuck up that Enter the Dragon remake. The trailers also made Hobbs & Shaw look like the stupid kind of action film I might enjoy; a bunch of fight scenes and chase sequences that give the middle finger to physics. But when a big moment in the film is a group of the good guys willingly bringing a bunch of sharp sticks to a battle where the villains are loaded to the teeth with highly advanced firearms, then you know you’ve jumped headfirst into the deep end of ridiculous without a special needs helmet.

The film is quick to point out that even though Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) is in Los Angeles and Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) is in London, they’re essentially similar characters. Hobbs is a big dude who likes to Hulk Smash shit while Shaw likes to think he has more class and finesse to his ass beatings and exaggerated torture devices. Despite their different cultures and supposedly unique way of approaching their work, they do nothing but talk trash, fuck shit up, simultaneously kick unsuspecting guys in the nuts, and track shit that needs tracking because that’s what trackers do. They reluctantly join forces and are in constant competition with one another to find some CT17 virus, which is currently inside Shaw’s MI6 operative sister Hattie Shaw (Vanessa Kirby) and is being hunted by formerly dead, cyber genetically altered, and current superhuman criminal mastermind Brixton Lore (Idris Elba). Don’t get too attached to the whole virus thing since even the film can’t keep up with what the hell it’s supposed to be.

I’m independent and don’t need your help! But seriously, I need your help.

The highlight of Hobbs & Shaw is the amount of cameos it’s able to squeeze into its excruciating two-hour-and-fifteen-minute runtime. The film utilizes about a third of the cast of a certain sequel to a certain film starring a certain Regenerating Degenerate and that cast is responsible for the humor that works best in whatever this spinoff is supposed to accomplish. Idris Elba is cool as shit as Brixton Lore. He’s this cocky and unstoppable bad ass who has a history with Shaw and his car chase on his self-driving motorcycle where he slides under a bus in slow motion is too sick for words. Vanessa Kirby has this on-screen presence that outshines the consistent bickering between Hobbs and Shaw. She’s the one capable female character in the film (Helen Mirren sitting behind glass doesn’t count) who seems to be the only one thinking logically, but it took her doing the dumbest thing imaginable at the beginning of the film to get that way.

This action film smorgasbord rides on the chemistry between Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham, but that gets old as soon as they start sort-of working together. Their incessant ribbing of each other, desire to always outdo one another, and nonstop unfiltered machismo being this palpable elephant in the room leads to nothing but verbal dick size comparisons and leaves you thinking that maybe they’ll make out or grope each other by the end of the film. Spoiler alert: maybe they’re saving that for the sequel.

Who needs James Bond when we’ve ripped off Iron Man’s helmet perspective?

There isn’t enough of a differentiation between action sequences in Hobbs & Shaw to make it feel worthwhile. There’s chemistry between the cast that is undeniable and some of its outrageousness is entertaining, but it all begins to feel similar and falls apart far sooner than it should. For those who care, there is a mid-credits and after-credits scene but neither is surprising. The cheesy motivational speeches, forced heartfelt stories, and “all technology in the world doesn’t beat heart” mumbo jumbo doesn’t help matters. The supposed story for this film is basically a dunce cap disguised as a pocket protector. There are intelligent elements used in ludicrous ways and maybe that’s what could describe the Fast & Furious franchise as a whole. You can bury a diamond in a dog turd and say it’s extravagant and that it’s valuable, but it’s still a dog turd that smells awful and lingers long after it’s been flushed away. 2/5 Toasters That Sound Like a Xylophone When Smashed Against Someone’s Face.

-Chris Sawin

September 12, 2018

THE PREDATOR [Film Review]: Trophy Hunting for Trash.

The Predator is borderline horrendous and you should be mad about it. Ignore the AVP films since they’re basically two violent excursions into rocket propelled and orifice swelling cases of diarrhea that shat their way down into the sewer and were flushed into non-existence, but the Predator franchise is basically three films; Predator, Predator 2, and Predators. Say what you will about the two sequels, but the original film is still held in high regard. Considering co-writer/director Shane Black’s track record, The Predator should have been amusing with great action especially since Black portrayed Hawkins in the original Predator film and had something to prove returning to the franchise 30 years later. So what the fuck happened and why is The Predator so bad?

The best part of the new film is the giant predator. You’ll know him when you see him because he towers over everyone and everything. Do you remember in the Mortal Kombat games where there used to be a cheat code to play every fatality back to back? This predator is like a walking version of that cheat code. He decapitates another predator with his bare hands and uses alien weaponry to slice and dismember everyone solely because he can. He also comes to earth with two dogs and one of them refuses to die and just kind of trails the humans for the remainder of the film. It’s sad and kind of adorable and holy shit let’s breed and adopt some predadogs right now.

Every other aspect of the film is either disappointing or downright awful. The Predator boasts an incredible cast with the likes of Logan’s Boyd Holbrook, Room’s Jacob Tremblay, Keegan-Michael Key, Olivia Munn, Sterling K. Brown, and Tom Jane, but how is it that they have no chemistry whatsoever? Writers Black and Fred Dekker have basically written every character as frat boy douches who try to out-asshole one another in every scene. The main storyline doesn’t really make much sense. Why did the predator who first comes to earth steal the technology that everyone is after and why is that scene at the end of the film other than to reference Black’s time on Iron Man 3?

GET OUT OF MY WAY I GOT SPIDER-MAN TO PLAY!

The gore would be a lot more entertaining if you could see more of it. Black was adamant about only being a part of this if it was R-rated without pulling away from kills, but the kills are too dark to fully appreciate. Thankfully, a predator’s green blood glows in the dark and makes it super easy to track in such a dark film that mostly takes place at night. The film constantly argues over why these aliens are called predators when it should be called something else. This is something that was settled three decades ago, guys. Let it go. We don’t need a, “get to the chopper,” reference in every new Predator film either.

Walking out of The Predator, you realize you’re most disappointed in the fact that you were bored the entire time. The screenplay is weak, the humor is lame, the action is this clusterfuck of dizzying darkness and poor CGI, and you don’t care about any of these new characters. There’s this secondary storyline devoted to bullying that seems to justify violence and killing as an anti-bullying technique. This was one of my most anticipated of the year and it left me feeling lethargic and bored regarding where this franchise goes from here. It’s a sad day when you have to admit that a new Predator film is barely better than the AVP films, but The Predator rips the spinal column out of this franchise and chooses stupidity and redundancy over an actual evolution. 1.5/5 Intestine-Sliding Bibles.

-Chris Sawin

December 23, 2017

BRIGHT [Review]: The Dark Lord is in Another Castle.

On Netflix today is Bright, the most expensive Netflix original film to date with a $90 million budget and a fantasy action crime film written by Max Landis (American Ultra, Victor Frankenstein) and directed by David Ayer (Suicide Squad, End of Watch) with the potential to become a massive franchise; the sequel was greenlit before the film’s debut on the streaming service on December 22^nd.

Will Smith stars as Daryl Ward, a battle-scarred Los Angeles police officer who plans on retiring in the next five years. Ward finds himself grudgingly partnered with an orc named Nick Jakoby (the unrecognizable Joel Edgerton). Ward has just returned to work after being shot on the job while Jakoby is hated and mocked for being an outcast on the police force and a disgrace to his own kind.

In an alternate present where humans attempt to coexist with orcs, fairies, and elves, a typical night on the job evolves into Ward and Jakoby being hunted by their own police force, the magic FBI, and dark elves who are determined to summon a greater evil known as The Dark Lord. Magic exists in this world and anyone who is capable of holding or possessing a wand is considered a Bright, but the potential of what a wand can do in present day Los Angeles ignites blood splattered warfare that is blind to all races.

This gritty Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reboot is the shit, you guys.

After the poorly received yet financially successful release of Ayer’s venture into the comic book universe with Suicide Squad, Bright seems like a return to his roots despite its fantastical elements. With exception to Fury, Ayer seems to be at his strongest when his films revolve around a partner dynamic a la Harsh Times, End of Watch, and Training Day (which Ayer wrote but didn’t direct). The ongoing conflict between Ward and Jakoby along with the chemistry between Will Smith and Joel Edgerton is what really sells the film; the constant ribbing of one another along with the relationship that develops between two individuals that initially hate each other make what could have been a lame concept more bearable and even entertaining at times.

The film tackles racism and diversity along with corruption and underhanded tactics by individuals who are supposed to be the good guys. A war occurred a couple thousand years ago and orcs picked the wrong side of the battle. They’ve been referred to as pig-faced criminals ever since, but one orc had the opportunity to be on the police force after he shaved down his tusks and when he wasn’t “blooded” along with his own kind. The film is basically a what-if situation of J. R. R. Tolkien getting a hold of the rights to Alien Nation and making a film franchise out of it.

Early on, Bright introduces concepts that sound really stupid when they’re said out loud and even seem forced and more than a little ludicrous as they’re introduced but — somehow — the film is able to make it all work. There’s a clunkiness to Bright; this awkward and misshapen quality that is corny and hard to swallow but something about crime being intertwined with fantasy and prejudice works really well in today’s day and age. Accepting someone based on their actions rather than their appearance or preconceived notions on their culture is a lesson that will always be timeless and relevant.

Bright is like this blundering mishmash of The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, John Wick, Atomic Blonde, and End of Watch which is incredibly promising on one-hand, but its cheesy flaws are apparent for all of the same reasons that make it appealing. It should be terrible with its crummy dialogue, weak story structure, and clumsy choreography, but it almost seems like Bright is accidentally decent for all of the wrong reasons. The magic introduces this unpredictable element that could take the film into unexplored territory, but the crime perspective that forces the audience into the shoes of unwanted cops attempting to the best they can in a broken world keeps the film tightly wrapped in familiar territory. The action is unexpectedly gory at times with people being blown to smithereens and explosive gunfights and mass destruction that John McClane would approve of.

Netflix’s latest venture into fantastical urban crime isn’t going to sit well with everybody. It seems as though Landis is a huge fan of End of Watch and World of Warcraft and decided to write a screenplay specifically for Ayer to direct. Its banal humor and trite concepts go overboard and miss the mark way more often than they land, but the film is more enjoyable than it should be and is at least less of a mess than Suicide Squad.

There are definitely worse things to stream on Netflix on a Friday night than David Ayer’s obvious sequel bait known as Bright, which can at least boast about some halfway decent action sequences and will likely have you exclaiming, “Let’s titty bar gunfight die!” well into the new year. 3/5 “Are Your Holes Okay?” Bibles.

-Chris Sawin

June 8, 2017

THE MUMMY [Review]: An Adventurous Mercury Poisoning.

Chris “Holy Spirit” Sawin
@evilbutters

With glass shattering sandstorms that would make Mad Max adjust his sand-riddled boxers, an overabundance of crows that would leave Eric Draven screaming, “Uncle!,” and a super-sized cluster of camel spiders that would send Peter Parker into a sensory overloaded coma, Alex Kurtzman’s The Mummy has arrived to kick off Universal’s new Dark Universe and remind everyone that Tom Cruise’s completely smooth 54-year-old nutsack will have less wrinkles over the course of its entire lifetime than you or I will develop over the forthcoming decade.

The latest resurrection of The Mummy features Sofia Boutella as Ahmanet; an Egyptian princess who murdered her family and decided that Set, the Egyptian god of death, was the neatest thing since mercury embalming. Set bestowed these intimidating mummy powers upon Ahmanet for being his number one fan like the ever useful but kinda corny power to communicate with a single spider, all of the turquoise paint you could dip your fingertips in, the ability to make a murder of crows cackle and confusingly loiter, how to rearrange a sandstorm to make a giant version of your face Wooly Willy style, gather a mischief of rats to suckle on the succulent teets of an aged to perfection Jerry Maguire, and a toss-up between a lifetime supply of eyeliner and stalking Tom Cruise in his dreams.

Since Set did Ahmanet a solid, in return, she is to use his dagger (with a handle embedded with a magical strawberry Ring Pop at the end of it) and violently plunge it into a chosen one who would be Set’s human vessel aka meatbag aka Tom Cruise.

What do you mean we’re just going to rip off An American Werewolf in London?

Tom Cruise, armed with a whiny Jake Johnson at his side, portrays Nick Morton; a tomb raiding treasure hunter who takes all of his cues from Nathan Drake in Uncharted and Jackie Chan in his Operation Condor films. The entire treasure hunting concept is shoehorned into the film to make way for Ahmanet slurping down police officers like Capri Suns while turning their sunken remains into an army of brittle mummified zombies. Some of the action scenes that follow are surprisingly good as Tom shoves his baby hands and tiny feet through decomposing faces and hollow chests.

Meanwhile Russell Crowe is busy turning in an underwhelming performance as Dr. Henry Jekyll and Annabelle Wallis can’t decide whether to be spiteful, knowledgeable, and bitchy or completely helpless, in need of rescuing, and procuring a moist sphinx cat between her legs when it comes to thinking about Nick as Jenny Halsey.

The Doublemint gum approach to eyeballs.

Every predictable layer found within the derivative bandages of The Mummy reveals the sarcophagi of a dull and crusty film. The performances are stale other than Tom Cruise who is excited about shit no one else can bother with. The dialogue is hokey as hell and will likely result in audible groans throughout whatever theater you’re dragged to. What’s misleading is that some of the visuals are impressive; the action is often entertaining if no one on-screen opens their mouth, and that falling plane sequence is pretty incredible but Tom Cruise doing fucking ridiculous action sequences has become the norm and The Mummy is just more of the same.

This film is the first in what appears to be a long line of “scary” franchise films and a possibly massive universe revolving around updated versions of classic Universal monsters. If every one of those films is as lame as this one, then wheel an entire pyramid full of liquid mercury up to my house and I will chug that shit with a crazy straw so I can at least lose my mind and pretend to have a good time watching these boring monstrosities before we all wither away from insanity. 1/5 Pointless Crow Cackling Bibles.