john cena Archives - Page 4 of 6

September 20, 2014September 20, 2014

RINGSIDE APOSTLES [Night of Champions ’14 Preview]: The SWEETest Hangover!

It’s been a month, but the Ringside Apostles are BACK! We’ve got Night of Champions coming tomorrow, so let’s get on down to the nitty-gritty, shall we?

(From left to right): Moses Lee, "Monsignor" Moody, "Bishop" Zom, Danny "Disciple", and our very special guest, Sweet Brown! — (From left to right): Moses Lee, “Monsignor” Moody, “Bishop” Zom, Danny “Disciple”, and our very special guest, Sweet Brown!

–Intercontinental Championship–

The Miz vs. Dolph Ziggler — The Miz vs. **Dolph Ziggler** (Champ)

Zzzzzzzz… I only say that because of the Mizzzzz…. No doubt will this actually end up being a good match, but unfortunately for Ziggy, no one really givez a zhit. The Miz usually ends up making every match hez a part of absolutely zuck. And the weird part? Hez actually good! Hez a good technical wrestler, really coming into hiz own as a very good classic heel, but I dont know– zomething about hiz face suckz the life out of the room. Expect the uzual zhenaniganz, MizDow interference, likely to cost the match for Miz leading to Miz/Zandow feud.

Winner: Ziggy retains via tapout to Figure Four LegLock. – Danny Witt

–Divas Championship–

20140825_LIGHT_NOC_Match_HOMEPAGE_Divas — Nikki Bella vs. **Paige** vs. AJ Lee

The Light Skinned Pychopath of beauty and grace, dont get it twizted, cause Paige will break faces to keep her spot on the Divas Mountain. She’s a force to be messed with, but her reign and skills are being tested by AJ “The Original Sexy Stalker with Skill” Lee– her deranged passion for the the Divas title and the Business will keep you scared. Her cute attitude but-I’ll-take-you-down-when-you-least-expect motive makes AJ’s blood thirsty for punishing any woman dumb enough to challenge her spot. Nikki “Dont forget about me” Bella has made her mark on the scene as the evil sister finally making a stand for herself and heaven help you if you in her way. We prepare for an amazonian estrogen driven battle for the Divas title. Hair, punches, and hip tosses. Man I cant wait.

Winner: “Bishop” Zom. – Richard Zom

–United States Championship–

Sheamus (Champion) vs. Cesaro — Sheamus (Champion) vs. **Cesaro**

Super psyched for this match. Too bad they don’t give the IC title this much respect. Thankfully WWE had the good sense to resume this brief feud from the Spring. These 2 European bad asses have had some good matches, but I expect them to really open it up here. I enjoy watching Cesaro be a dick because he’s simply better then everyone else and he knows it. I mean, Sheamus and Cena act this way, but Cesaro is actually meant to be a heel. Oh well, I should know by now that, in the WWE Universe , our heroes are horrible people who bully those weaker than them right before delivering a PSA against bullying. I am pleading with Cesaro to be dickish or hero enough to unleash 10 Beats of the Bowery on Sheamus.

Winner: It’s time for the big Cesaro push. New US Champ! – Moses Lee

The Usos (Champs) vs. The Dust Bros. — **The Usos** (Champs) vs. The Dust Bros.

Ohhhhhh!!! Them Usos SO FINE!!! No way are my n**** gonna lose to those left-side-of-the-bed gold-painted FREAKS from Texas! This is wrasslin’, not a circus! And they lazy ass, twinkie eatin’ papa Dusty Rhodes datin’ that cheap-pump wearin’ Sapphire back in the day instead of your sweet SWEET BROWN! AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FO’ THAT! Ohhhhhh!!! What I wouldn’t do for a Saturday night stroll at the disco with those boys, Jimmy and Jey! Me oh my! Bet your hottest mustard, suguh, that they do they thing and give me the smile I deserve! Fly Uso, fly! Fly! Sooooooooo fly!!!

Winners: Me, baby. All this sweaty hunkieness for just nine-ninedee-nine!!! – Sweet Brown

–Dr. Strangelove, or How I Could Take Henry To Enough Buffets So He Doesn’t Kick My Ass!–

Mark Henry vs. Rusev — **Mark Henry** vs. Rusev

The World’s Hungriest Man faces off against the Pride of Russia. I’m all for this colliding of athletes finally equal sized to make for a compelling and entertaining match. Mark Henry is going to be a formidable foe for Rusev, but on the other hand Rusev’s youth and flexability will put Henry’s skill and strength to the ultimate test. Whom will dominate whom when that bells rings? Once the dust settles and a victor called, will this be a one time challenge at Night of Champions or the beginning of a cold war inside the squared circle? Henry can break the spirit of men — and the spirit of Carl’s Jr. — with a mear Slam, Rusev submits you to a humbling a embarrassing defeat. Oh this is going to be epic.

Winner: Every rib joint from Nashville to Kentucky! – Richard Zom

–JeriKO–

Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton — **Chris Jericho** vs. Randy Orton

Crazy that in 2014 we’d call this a “filler” match, but is there really any other way to explain it? Of course, your trusty Monsignor is calling this one becuase it involves two of my favorite wrestlers of all-time. Been an RKO fan since day one, although I can’t say I’ve been as high on his radar the last few years despite the fact my current haircut is the closest it will ever resemble “The Legend Killer”. The brain part of me wants to go with Randy, because this entire Authority angle just isn’t working with him. Jericho of course, is a legend, so… but you know the odds of me going against the Lion Tamer is nearly impossible. Besides, he handled the Wyatts pretty handily with no help. Again, I now this is a throwaway angle for the WWE at this point, but it’s still a match worth taking note.

Winner: Chris Jericho, just because. -Travis Moody

–Return of the Prince–

20140825_LIGHT_NOC_Match_HOMEPAGE_ReignsRollins — Roman Reigns vs. **Seth Rollins**

This just in: Roman Reigns has EMERGENCY SURGERY just ONE DAY before NoC, thus the match may cancel. Read here for more. Why would WWE have Reigns get a clean win over Rollins a week before NoC? Is it possible WWE has really stopped caring about both their product and the standard formula for building a feud? Well, not completely. Therefore, something major has to happen during or after this match. And that something will be the return of Dean Ambrose. Oh how we missed you, sweet prince. The WWE could certainly use a shot of life, and that will come in the form of the Prince of the Drunken Death Match (Please take the time to YouTube the 2010 IWA Mid-South Prince of the Deathmatch Tournament). The question is whether our old pal Dean will assist in a Reigns win over Rollins, or will it be the more likely outcome of him saving Reigns after the match.

Winner: Reigns probably wins via disqualification caused by a Pearl Harbor job courtesy of Corporate Kane. This will be punctuated by Ambrose murdering everyone! – Moses Lee

–WWE Championship–

Brock Lesnar (Champ) vs. John Cena — **Brock Lesnar** (Champ) vs. John Cena

Another 20-minute ass-whoopin’ on Mista Cena? AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FO’ THAT!

Winner: Ohhhhhh!!! Handsome as a steak wrap from Jack in the Box, MY MAN Brock is goin’ home with the strap and hopefully goin’ home with your one and only precious! Ohhhhhhh!!! – Sweet Brown

August 13, 2014August 13, 2014

RINGSIDE APOSTLES [WWE SummerSlam ’14 Preview]: Partying like it’s (only) $9.99!

While we’ve all been busy out filming our VERY FIRST EVER webisode of #GHGtv‘s Ringside Apostles series, we still have a few minutes to spare for WWE SummerSlam.

Of course we do!

And if you watched RAW the other night, you’ll know that the hottest event of the summer just got that much hotter. But, without further ado, let’s get right into our collective picks and predicts for this Sunday’s BIG event.

–Divas Championship–

AJ Lee (Champ) vs. Paige — **AJ Lee** (Champ) vs. Paige

I haven’t been this excited for a featured Diva’s Championship on the main card of one of the “Big 4” WWE Pay-Per-Views…oh, since Sable was featured in a Bra and Panties match. And years later, we saw two Hall of Famers, Trish Stratus and Lita — two gorgeous women who could GO — break the glass ceiling that existed for women in wrestling. Since, we the fans have basically been subjected to inexplicable women’s division matches that were simply repugnant. As soon as that music hit, everyone knew that was your cue to hit the bathroom or concession stands. Until now.

Danny "Dangerous Disciple" IG @danielw_w — Danny “Dangerous Disciple”
IG @danielw_w

In one corner, we have up-and-coming challenger and 21-year old second generation wrestler, Paige. She’s aggressive, goth, and a little crazy. The girl can work. She still has a lot to learn, and she’s not QUITE there yet in terms of timing and cohesion of her moves. Everyone’s favorite mighty mouse, AJ Lee, on other hand, was the longest reigning Diva’s Champ only up until her loss to Paige at April’s Mania. This has culminated into a series of sneak attacks perpetrated by her “frenemy”, which shows both can pack a mean streak a mile wide and flip a switch at any moment. Carrie, anyone?

Winner: AJ “Quinn” Lee via Black Widow submission. It’s tough to book this one. The smart call would, of course, have the heel (bad girl, Paige) go over the face (girl next door, AJ), and have AJ chase the title until she goes over at Mania and triumphs; but the problem therein lies with the fact that AJ doesn’t NEED the push– Paige does.

–Intercontinental Championship–

The Miz (Champ) vs. Dolph Ziggler — **The Miz** (Champ) vs. Dolph Ziggler

This one is personal– or maybe just for your one and only Moses being born and raised in C-Town. Fuck Lebron and Johnny Football, our championship aspirations lie with fake ass suburban born Miz (Parma, Ohio) and the “real” Cleveland boy Ziggler, as they battle for the IC title. I’m calling on this to be the dark horse match for the night. These two actually have a lot to prove to the powers that be and both need a good match to keep their newly found momentum going. Ziggler has gotten a nice push lately but I’m so used to being let down. Lets add the fact that a Miz win is necessary to maintain the prestige of the belt. And yet while I do enjoy Hollywood Miz and his jaw-dropping money maker as the mid-card champ, can he — more importantly — bring life back to the IC division with an extended title reign?

Winner: The Miz via some type of awesomeness or…roll up. – Moses Lee

–Flag Match–

Jack Swagger vs. Rusev — Jack Swagger vs. **Rusev**

This is like watching Ivan Drago take on Rocky all over again. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy watching each performer, but this feud is empty. It needs life to make it worth the entertainment. Rusev should be powering through opponents to grow his character. Jack Swagger is trying to keep the America way alive but his push isn’t doing anything special — so my predictions on this match hold no water. It’s filler.

Winner: Rusev for the win. He has too much talent to have it all bottled up and not put to use, so why not POWN the American Flag and fist pound Swagger till he turns Red, White, and Blue? – Richard Zom

–Lumberjack Match–

Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins — **Dean Ambrose** vs. **Seth Rollins**

Carnage. Chaos. Destruction. Utter dismay. These are the adjectives that Michael Cole will be searching through his pre-show dictionary before this match. The neatest part of this extravaganza will absolutely be watching Dean Ambrose maul his way through several faceless WWE Superstars surrounding the ring. You know, the types that would run scared shitless from the Guardians of the Galaxy. Instead, they’ll try their damnedest to inflate an already volatile situation between these former friends and members of The Shield.

"Monsignor" Moody @TravMoody — “Monsignor” Moody
@TravMoody

Good luck!

Not even Big E, Khali, Cryback and Hornswoggle together will have a chance at preventing Ambrose and Seth Rollins from knocking each other into that sweaty LA crowd and — better yet — knocking that beer from our beloved Pastor all over his silly mug.

Winner: Everyone who purchased the WWE Network for — YOU GUESSED IT! — only $9.99! Despite the fact Rollins has the briefcase (and, yes, I acknowledge I was wrong about him cashing in that quickly), I just don’t see this rivalry going away any time soon. This could easily form into something very Rick Rude/Jake the Snake. Here’s to “carnage, chaos, destruction” and “utter dismay”!

–Here to Save You All–

Chris Jericho vs. Bray Wyatt — Chris Jericho vs. **Bray Wyatt**

Probably one of the easier matches of the night to call. Why? Because God bless Chris Jericho. He may save Bray yet. The man, at some point, always puts young talent over. Frankly, you don’t necessary need to be talented to be put over by Y2J. Word on the street is that Fandango continues to send Jericho flowers. Most would agree that Bray is a more worthy beneficiary and certainly could use the help after that goofy ass feud with Cena.

Moses Lee "Social Media Parts Unknown" — Moses Lee
“Social Media Parts Unknown”

Jericho got him at Battleground. It stands to reason that Bray will get the equalizer at SummerSlam. Let’s toss in the fact that Bray no longer has to live up to the expectations of being a living god like he was built up to be with Cena. What’s most important is how he will win. Note to WWE: Super refreshing to see Wyatt outside his tiny black room cutting a promo on RAW. Bray is so well performed and powerful enough as a character– that he would be so much more interesting out and about interacting with people.

Hell, I’d pay to watch that guy run errands for 3 hours.

Winner: I wish it would end in a clean, extremely violent Bray Wyatt victory but he will likely win via nefarious means. Harper and Rowan will get to Jericho one way or another, which will lead us to a deciding match at Night of Champions.

–Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!–

Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon — **Brie Bella** vs. **Stephanie McMahon**

“Oh you know what I’m talkin’ about, baby.” – Dusty Rhodes

I was secretly hoping that none of my Apostle brethren would want to write about this explosive rivalry, because RAW certainly wouldn’t have been RAW without it. Triple H’s “ol’ lady” went and pulled out all the stops this past week, BUYING Daniel Bryan’s therapist into lying about some extra curricular activities going on between medical sessions. Well, Brie didn’t BUY into it — because she’s fucking Brie Bella and she’s fucking hot — but decided to beat on the no-longer-poor girl anyway. It was definitely a call back to early-2000s late night trash TV– and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Winner: Well, this all depends on who wins the Diva’s Title. If Paige is the new champ, then any combination of Daniel and Nikki will distract Stephy just enough to earn a cheap schoolgirl roll-up victory from Brie Bella. But if AJ wins, then Stephanie McMahon will certainly make sure there’s NO CHANCE IN HELL that another woman upstage her during the summer’s hottest event. – Travis Moody

–Supreme Contenders–

Roman Reigns vs. Randy Orton — **Roman Reigns** vs. Randy Orton

So, this is where the WWE is heading. There’s two sets of champions out there, both blue collar, work-your-heart-out-every-night types of guys– and they’re either sitting out at home, or waiting for the “SummerSlam 2014 Preview Show, exclusively on YouTube (or the WWE Network)” to be announced. I’m talking about the likes of the current United States Champion, Sheamus, and the World Tag Team Champions, The Usos. While we could very likely see Antonio Cesaro and Shea tangle it up AGAIN…maybe a surprise like Bo Dallas could bring bigger heat to that US strap.

As for my peeps, Jimmy and Jey, they’ve set an open challenge that could leave to a bevy of opposition. Anything, but The Wyatts – yes so says BISHOP ZOM! — at this year’s second biggest event. (A heel-turned Gold & Stardust? Ooohhhfffffffff….)

"Bishop" Zom @eyebzombie — “Bishop” Zom
@eyebzombie

Now, on to the matter at hand. What can be said other than Orton is playing one of the best heels in recent years? You put a top heel and a fan favorite “face” in a match– oh your guaranteed some shit is about to go down. I mean, come on, The Viper is going to have a hell of a time taking on the Samoan Superman Fist that literally beats respect out of its opponents. Reigns is fresh, hungry, and on a path that will leave opponent after opponent behind him. Being a Legend Killer is one thing, but earning your stripes to become legend is another.

Winner: Roman Reigns will “Reign” Supreme over Orton…if The Authority doesn’t get TOO involved.

–MAIN EVENT: The Champ vs. The One in Twenty– (ah Forget It…)

20140721_LIGHT_SS_matches_cena-brock_sponsor_home.0_standard_730.0 — John Cena (Champ) vs. **Brock Lesnar**

Here you have it folks. The Main Event for the WWE Title at SummerSlam. Brock has been booked incredibly well in his return to WWE, beating a perennial who’s who of WWE Superstars ranging from HHH, CM Punk and most recently, The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 30– but can he beat Vince McMahon’s apparent reticence to put the title on anyone but Cena when times are tough and the roster is as thin as pundits perceive it to be?

When these two last squared off, Brock pulverized Cena for practically the entire match only to lose at the very end when Cena overcame all odds in a last minute booking change by Vince himself. Will August 17th, 2014 be the day Brock shrugs off that yoke and regains the WWE title? I think so. Rumors are circulating that Cena is taking some extended time off to film a movie, so odds are that Brock will in fact take the strap, but who knows if Vince will allow that to happen. I suppose we’ll find out on Sunday.

Winner: Brock Lesnar via Brock Smash. (Sorry, no MITB briefcase madness just yet, Moody.) – Danny Witt

WWE SummerSlam hits the WWE Network at 5pm PT/8pm ET this Sunday for only nine-ninety-NINE!

August 7, 2014August 8, 2014

RINGSIDE APOSTLES [Shooting Star Press, Vol. VII]: I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing… FELLA!

Welp… another geek week, another week of rumors, gossip, chatter, what have you. Rarely, however, do the world of Star Wars rumors involve professional wrestlers.

What do you get when you take a very well-muscled, supremely ginger, pasty-skinned, bare-knuckled brawler-turned-wrestler, and turn him to….

Not what you were expecting? Yeah, neither were most people.

This week’s “wait, what the fuck?” moment came when news was broken by the UK tabloid, The Mirror that professional wrestler Sheamus was “confirmed in Skellig Michael and playing Darth Vader.” Skellig Michael is in Ireland and is apparently the secret shooting location for JJ Abrams’ Star Wars Episode VII. Can we take The Mirror seriously? Can we take The Mirror seriously when it’s talking about professional wrestling? Or Star Wars?

Sheamus himself added fuel to the fire by being especially cryptic on Twitter about whether or not he was actually playing the part of the Star Wars saga’s most iconic villain…

It’s worth noting that Sheamus has indeed donned the helmet and garb of the fallen Jedi back in 1999 for promotional purposes during the run up to Episode I: The Phantom Menace before he was in tights Brogue Kicking the Miz’ face off. Now that he’s in the big time, a little extra buzz can’t hurt, and Star Wars buzz is never “little”.

Is Sheamus doing just that? Generating buzz for himself and trolling the fans? Are we to completely jumping on something so coincidental as an Irishman visiting a place in Ireland that just so happens to be where they may or may not be filming Star Wars?

I guess time will tell, and if it’s true, good for him. It’s not like he’ll be anything more than a mute body in an uncomfortable suit.

It also seems a little strange to me that they’d pursue someone with that high of a price tag, when they could walk into AnyGym down in Hollywood and find a dozen guys that would do it for a Coke and a handshake. But, hey, it’s Disney’s money.

Fella.

WWE 2K15: Hurry up and wait!

What’s up everyone, Saint Superkick back again in this GHG bitch with some of the low down on WWE 2K15. It appears that 2K Games have really cooked up something that even the Great One, the Rock would want to take a sniff.

This week presented the first screenshot…

We see a very intense looking John Cena preparing to do war with Randy Orton. And NOW we see that Randy is looking intensely close to his real life counterpart…

It's Cocoa Pebbles, John! — It’s Cocoa Pebbles, John!

…with Cena in full Caesar (from Dawn of the Planet of the Apes) mode. From just that one shot, 2K — widely celebrated for their NBA 2K series — is truly putting their stamp on the latest WWE game.

Good thing, because after the franchise was bestowed upon 2K following the fold of THQ, WWE 2K14 was great from a content and character stand point, but lacked graphically and in gameplay.

2K15’s new game modes include a MyCareer mode (similar to the NBA 2K), which could ultimately prove to be the selling point of the game. You take one created wrestler (and it won’t have to be Sting, if you pre-order!) and follow all of the storylines, stables and suplexes throughout their guided tenure. And, sorry broke dudes and dudettes: You’ve got to own a next-gen console for this one.

In addition, WWE 2K15 is also taking the most historic rivalries from their awesome 30 Years of Wrestlemania mode last year and downsize them into separate legendary packages now entitled 2K Showcase. In addition, the game will feature over 5 times the motion capture animations of last year, including several hours worth of voiceover from your favorite WWE superstars.

Can anyone say “Fannnnnnnnnnnnnndannnnnnnnnnngooooooooooooooooo”??????

Looks like a "QVC special" to me. — Looks like a “QVC special” to me.

The second selling point is the Hulkamania Special Collector’s Edition. Along with receiving two generations of Sting, you will get two generations of Hulk Hogan, BROTHER! Although, I can only assume that both variations of each superstar will be available sometime down the line via DLC.

Kenny "Saint Superkick" @HueySkyywalker — Kenny “Saint Superkick”
@HueySkyywalker

This edition also includes a Funko toy of Hogan, a piece of the canvas ring from the Monday Night RAW the legend returned to earlier this year, an autographed picture of Zom.. er.. Hogan, and the game itself. Without any special edition blu ray included (like Hogan’s Best Legdrops, Brother! or maybe a Thunder in Paradise marathon collection), $99.99 may be a little steep.

GodHatesGeeks will have the roster reveal for you during SummerSlam weekend, held at Club Nokia in Los Angeles and hosted by none other than “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.

WWE 2K15 will be released on Oct. 28.

THE RETURN OF BISHOP ZOM!!! #NoMoreTNA #NoMoreWyatts

ALL ABOARD THE HOOOOOOOOOOO TRAIN!

Ah yes. A phrase, that in a simpler time, used to send WWE fans, adults and kids alike, (even though only half of them actually knew what they were cheering for) into a frenzy of sheer bliss. Those were the good ol’ days of wrestling. I mean, let’s be real, who among us didn’t enjoy cheering on that “train”?

I’m going to pause a moment and allow those who feel so inclined to snicker at your jokes about hoes and trains the opportunity to do so…

OK. Now that we have that out of the way, back to the trains… WWE just threw away what had the potential to be one of their biggest gravy trains — NXT’s own Slate Randall. Better known to the masses as Shaun Ricker, one of the stand out competitors from The Rock’s television series The Hero.

Why WWE let Shaun go, I do not know. Was it a bad mistake? Many I have spoken to in the wrestling industry, some of which are affiliated with WWE in some capacity or another, feel the answer to that question is a resounding “YES! YES! YES!”

“Let me talk to ya for a minute” is something I was hoping that all of you would have had the pleasure of hearing kick off RAW in the not so distant future. Unfortunately, it is not to be. The sad thing is, Shaun Ricker was probably one of the most talented members of the NXT roster that the WWE had.

Because everyone takes pictures with "Kirk Angel"! — Because everyone takes pictures with “Kirk Angel”!

You see, the last person that the late great WWE Hall of Famer Paul Bearer managed was none other than Shaun Ricker. Word on the street is that Bearer was a HUGE fan of Shaun’s. Don’t take that lightly either. Paul Bearer, to steal a phrase that we are oh so familiar with lately due to another famous manager, was the one behind many a ones. That’s right, Ricker is on a very short list with some of the biggest names in wrestling. Stone Cold Steve Austin, Vader, Mick Foley, Kane, and of course Undertaker.

To further prove my point, Dusty Rhodes is a fan of Mr. Ricker as well. Back on June 26th he had this to share with the WWE Universe via Twitter: “Last night in my acting-come b somebody, find yourself class brawl, Slate Randell was F—– spectacular! #NXT”

"Pastor" Chuck @CRICE17 — “Pastor” Chuck
@CRICE17

That wasn’t the first time Shaun had drawn the praises of those above him, and if there is any justice in this world it won’t be the last. Business just picked up on the independent wrestling scene because Ricker is one talented mothafucka who has the look, mic skills, and wrestling ability to be a main eventer in WWE. If there is one thing that wrestling history has taught us, it’s that in wrestling there are no absolutes.

Either or, wherever Ricker lands next will be riding that gravy train all the way to the bank.

And that, my fellow parishioners, is not an opinion but a FACT of life.

You in LA? Can’t Get (or Afford) Tix to Summer Slam? Moses has the Cure

Whether Los Angeles is aware. We are entering the most important and most exciting time of year for LA wrestling fans. WWE’s 2nd most important show, SummerSlam, will be at Staples Center for the 6th straight year on August 17. The card looks tremendous but good luck with tickets if you don’t already have them and you happen to be poor.

But Moses is here with another option for the true wrestling fan: Check out one the best independent promotions in the country, Pro Wrestling Guerilla’s Battle of Los Angeles (BOLA) on August 29-31 instead.

The 10th annual event will take place at the amazingly intimate American Legion in Reseda, and consist of a 3-day tournament to crown the True King of LA. It’s like Bonnaroo, except not at all– cause there are no awful hippies and shitty electronica music. Not interested because it doesn’t have the star power of $ummer$lam?

Well, past participants and current and former “big leaguers” include AJ Styles, Sami Zayn, Frankie Kazarian, Christopher Daniels, Daniel Bryant, Chris Saban, Ausin Aries, Adrian Neville, Seth Rollins, Jamie Noble, the Brian Kendrick, Fit Finley, and many I missed.

Styles, Saban, Kazarian, Daniels, and Curtis Hawkins will be at this years show. You will get a look at the future of professional wrestling if you view WWE as the end all/be all of wrestling. Still not sold? Here are the most important reasons to consider BOLA over SummerSlam, if you can’t do both like me– because of my relationship with God (also known as my editor):

Back when they had wrestling IN a church.

1.) Ticket Prices: Battle of LA: $40 per night. $120 total for all 3 nights. You can still get tickets YO!

SummerSlam: $100 (shitty seats)-$475 for one night.

2.) Environment: Battle of LA: American Legion. 400 seat capacity. 5000 square feet. Small intimate venue. You get actual interaction with the wrestlers. The fans are on top of the action; or literally the action is on top of you, as seats are pressed up against the ring, which leaves spectators ripe for high impact dives from their favorite dudes. The guys are super approachable after the match.

SummerSlam: Staples Center: 20,000 capacity. 950,000 square feet. Good luck with your view, being anywhere near the ring, or having any interaction with wrestlers.

And Most Importantly…

3) Celebrity Appearances: At Battle of LA, you could be sitting next to the star from Hot Tub Time Machine (1 and 2) and all around good guy Clark Duke.

While at SummerSlam, you are stuck trying to steal a glimpse of the Cee Lo Green’s performance (shoot me) and avoiding being molested by David Arquette.

Your call!

July 16, 2014July 18, 2014

RINGSIDE APOSTLES [Shooting Star Press, Vol. VI]: It’s a Hardline through ‘Battleground’!

WWE Battleground is this Sunday. While not one of the fed’s more popular Pay-Per-Views — which has been basically sold as a $9.99 WWE Network event up to this point — the card is shaping up to be a pretty good one.

This special edition of the Shooting Star Press also sees our largest cast of Ringside Apostle journalists yet.

So don’t be a lemon, folks. Be a…rosebud. Read on!

–Y2J, or Wyatt2J?–

Chris Jericho made a splash just 10-days ago on RAW when he put away his good friend The Miz before an uproarious crowd. Hell fucking yeah, the Ayatollah of Rock ‘N Rolla was back!

The timing wasn’t that odd either, since Jericho mentioned just the night before on Twitter that he “invented Money in the Bank.” While Jeff Hardy, Edge, and a few others may disagree, it was that bastard, Cena-jobbing Bray Wyatt who actually did something about it, putting The Return of Raw is Jericho to a stuttering halt.

Jericho has snaked himself out of bumrushes from the Wyatts ever since.

Winner: Biased as fuck — with no apologies to BISHOP Wyatt (who you will watch down below), Chris Jericho wouldn’t make this huge comeback only to job to the guy who can’t beat Cena. Sure, “The Best in the World at What I Do” is also a master at putting people over (i.e. Fandango), but something tells me he’ll find another sneaky way to get Bray’s panties in a bunch– and cheat out a quick victory. Someone call Dana White; this may just end up Match of the Night.

-Travis Moody

–Good Friends, Better Enemies–

As the build for this weekend’s grudge match between two former partners-turned-hated rivals comes to a close, the WWE is providing us with a glimpse of the future now in the form of Rollins versus Ambrose. There’s no arguing that this match-up will more than likely steal the whole F’n show, and also end up main eventing a Wrestlemania or two some point down the line.

The only real question, then, is: How far will these two push the envelope?

They know each other inside and out, so expect a ***** match out of these rising stars.

Winner: This is a tough one. Although the WWE traditionally books MITB winners horribly after they win the case, this Disciple really doesn’t see that in the cards for Rollins. While common convention suggests the face (Ambrose) go over on the PPV, I don’t see that happening here. As much as I hope I’m wrong, Rollins will win due to some shenanigans, with both men looking strong in the effort.

–USA vs. Mother Russia–

It’s time to call the Ghostbusters because there is definitely something strange going on in the WWE neighborhood– and I’m not talking about Dean Ambrose or Bray Wyatt. Don’t get me wrong; both are pretty strange. But, there is something EVEN STRANGER going on. Ladies and gentleman, Jack Swagger is over.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Don’t lie, every single one of you at some point or another has wondered when this man was going to get future endeavored. Yet, he has weathered the green smoke filled storm and come out on top waving his American flag in a blaze of glory. In all fairness though, I think the true reason Swagger is still on TV is Zeb Colter. Without him, something tells me Jack would have been way ahead of Jinder Mahal in the unemployment line.

Despite the formulaic plot-at-hand, Swagger can wrestle when he puts his mind to it and Rusev has showed us he has some high upside for a man his size (just check his match vs. Reigns from this past week’s Smackdown). While it’s hard to see this feud ending here — because on principal, Swagger has to eventually come out victorious — it’s just as hard to see Rusev losing outright, as well.

Winner: I expect a screwy finish that sees both Lana and Zeb getting involved somehow and Rusev escaping with a shallow victory in round one of this ongoing saga. But, hey, anything that keeps Zeb talking and Lana showing up and twirling around is A-OK in my book. So in closing I ask all of you to rise, place your hand over your chest, and loudly proclaim, “WE THE PEOPLE!”

–Divas Championship–

Battleground will make AJ Lee and Paige’s third encounter, which is a wonder why Moses Lee bailed on this one!

Maybe it’s the fact the last two matches seemed like minor confrontations. The first time Paige beat AJ, we were caught by surprise. When AJ returned and beat Paige, the roles of heel and face were reversed (which was probly an extension of AJ’s recent marriage to CM Punk).

Also, the shock value for that victory wasn’t nearly as high as Paige beating AJ. So long as my should-be-Harley-Quinn-at-home AJ makes me yell out a “YES LAWWWWWWWWD!!” or two during the match, we good.

Winner: AJ Lee will take a page/Paige out of her hubby and make that trick submit.

–Tag Team Championship, 2 outta 3 Falls–

The Usos (Champs) vs. The Wyatt Family — The Usos (Champs) vs. **The Wyatt Family**

–Battle Royal, Intercontinental Title–

Cesaro, Kofi Kingston, Damien Sandow, The Great Khali, Rob Van Dam, Dolph Ziggler, Big E, Ryback, Curtis Axel, Alberto Del Rio, Bo Dallas, Sheamus, Fandango, Sin Cara, Zack Ryder, The Miz, Adam Rose, Diego, R-Truth, Xavier Woods, Heath Slater, Titus O'Neil. — Cesaro, Kofi Kingston, Damien Sandow, The Great Khali, Rob Van Dam, Dolph Ziggler, Big E, Ryback, Curtis Axel, Alberto Del Rio, **Bo Dallas**, Sheamus, Fandango, Sin Cara, Zack Ryder, The Miz, Adam Rose, Diego, R-Truth, Xavier Woods, Heath Slater, Titus O’Neil.

The highly prestigious intercontinental title will be on the line in the form of a battle royal. The 73rd IC champ will be crowned and he will join legends such as Marty Jannetty, Santino, “Wild Man” Marc Mero, The Mountie, and of course Dean Douglas (11-minute title reign) as a member of this exclusive club. Or if you prefer: Macho Man, Steamboat, Perfect, and Bret Hart, I guess.

I do love me some battle royals though.

Lets just trim the fat. There are 3 people who can actually win this thing: Cesaro, Sheamus, and everybody’s dark horse Bo Dallas. Others may think “The Miz”, Ziggler, Kofi, and Big E may have a shot. Kingston and Big E have been hot but seem to exist as a tandem now for some reason. Ziggler appears stuck again, as he is too busy beating freakin’ Fandango with the aid of his dancing ex-girlfriends. And I just don’t see the ”The Miz” winning the title after jobbing to Jericho.

But Cesaro and possibly Sheamus are probably the favorites.

Sheamus can unify the titles but doesn’t really need it and Cesaro probably needs the push the most. My head says Cesaro, especially with this losing streak, but dammit my heart says Bo Dallas. Besides being the absolute best and interesting thing going, WWE has given unproven talent the IC strap before. Also, there is a natural rivalry with Bad News Barrett (See Royal Rumble 2013). So lets keep it going. How inspirational will my man be with the IC title.

Winner: Bo Dallas defies the odds. He eliminates Cesaro to win it, which in turn inspires me to seek a promotion at work. Thank you Bo. I’m a BOliever, now and forever.

–Main Event: Fatal 4-Way, WWE World Heavyweight Championship–

Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Roman Reigns — Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. **John Cena** (Champ) vs. Roman Reigns

So is everyone expecting “My Client” BROCK.. LES.. NARRR to interfere in this one and cause John Cena is championship? Because the writers over in Stamford, CT know what we’re saying, thinking and predicting, and always nearly end up with a more standardized finish than we assume.

Perhaps that’s the downfall of the internet, in that it’s hard for anyone to really become surprised anymore. And to think that I used to get my Pay-Per-View prediction fix a few weeks ahead via the WWF Magazine!

Ohhh, yeahhh!

Regardless of who gets screwed– don’t expect too much. Lesnar interference is indeed a strong possibility despite the fact the WWE knows about that “leaked” match for SummerSlam pitting our ol’ pal John Cena against the Beast Incarnate.

The #1 reason the WWE may just go through with it anyway won’t be a Kane chokeslam from Hell. No, it’s more because “The Viper” RKO and Big Roman Reigns have plenty of unfinished business to settle. Seeing all the madness that is a Fatal 4-Way, we could witness as many as 5-to-6 others interfere in this one to alter the course of that one month Road to LA’s Staples Center.

Seth Rollins has quite the expensive briefcase handy, must I remind you. Plus, just the other night on RAW, Michael Cole, JBL and “The King” joked about the “firing” of Paul Heyman, seeing how he didn’t accompany the great Cesaro to the ring for his match. Don’t be surprised if a pissed off Cesaro (in which he will be if he loses the Battle Royale with Cheese) fucks things up for Reigns, or whoever is dominating early. The Shield’s “Vick Mackie” is now one of the most beloved wrestlers in the business, has all the momentum in the world, and has even poised himself up against the Boston Babyface Cena. Reigns will be putting in work.

But they ain’t ready for that yet. Remember, this “PPV” is only going to cost you $9.99, so it’s highly unlikely there’ll be any Wrestlemaniaesque storybook endings here. Cena and Reigns will get to see eye-to-eye for a little bit, but it won’t be enough to take this to the big one in August.

Winner: Sting, via Scorpion Deathdrop. *smack in the face* Oh shit! Sorry. Was dreaming for a bit. It is a touch after 3 a.m., after all. I can tell you — as I widen my eyes for a sec — that the winners won’t be the fans sitting inside Starbucks catching this one on a stream; but at least the plethora of main event match-fuckery will raise the stakes even higher for next month’s Slam. Cena wins the match by pinning Kane, but immediately loses the title to a swift briefcase job via Seth Rollins, with help from Stephanie/Triple H/Paul Heyman/Brock Lesnar.

Yup. There’s a New Authority in town, with The Shield buried even further in limbo, and Triple H exposing a new t-shirt the next night on RAW that proudly proclaims that, hey, he too is a “Heyman Guy”.

WWE Battleground airs this Sunday at 8/9c on PPV and the WWE Network.

June 30, 2014June 30, 2014

RINGSIDE APOSTLES [Podcast]: Tipsy, with more ‘Money in the Bank’!

We’re not going to lie to you: This “Pay-Per-View” was for the birds. But, surprisingly, there were not many “boo-birds” on Sunday night in Boston due to the outcome of the WWE’s Money in the Bank.

Still, we had at it, raw, un-cut, full of technical issues, shit communication, and one cackle too many.

And that’s what made this podcast an effing blast.

Bo-leave he'll be DLC for 2K15. — Bo-leave he’ll be DLC for 2K15.

So, welcome the return of our Ringside Apostles host, “Bishop” Richard Zom, our insider Moses Lee, and your Miller High Life-lit “Monsignor” Travis Moody for MITB analysis, stupid jokes, and other utter outrageousness.

[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/156756551″ params=”color=ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false” width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

If the above Soundcloud doesn’t work on your mobile device, please download or listen through Mediafire.

And if you make it to the 45-minute mark, you win a giftcard of your choice…

June 25, 2014June 25, 2014

RINGSIDE APOSTLES [Shooting Star Press, Vol. IV]: MITB –> The Heavenly Ladder.

I bet that “WHAT!” many of you are looking forward to this Sunday’s WWE Money in the Bank PPV is different than that of yours truly, “Pastor” Chuck. Don’t lie about seeing Stardust; I mean, rather, the fact a new champion will be crowned since Daniel Bryan got stripped like a female star from Saved By the Bell.

But, truly, how excited can anyone get for yet another possible Summer of Cena HANGING in the balance?

—Tag Team Championship—

On one side of the ring, you have two young men who grew up in the business. Their whole family eats, sleeps, and breaths wrestling. On top of that, they were trained by one-half of arguably one of the greatest tag-teams to ever grace your television screens, Harlem Heat’s Booker T.

Uuuuuu…

Sooooo — suckuhhhhhhss!!!

On the other side of the ring, Jimmy & Jey have the privilege of staring into the faces of the rejected cast members of Duck Dynasty, the Wyatt Family (minus Bray, who will hopefully be getting ready to take his rightful place as new WWE Champion later in the night).

If you have watched either of these two teams wrestle over the past couple of months, you know that both have that intangible quality. The Usos know each other like only brothers could, obviously giving them a huge advantage over opponents– in addition to their arsenal of high flying moves.

But if you want to talk scary, let’s talk Wyatt…and I don’t mean my fellow Apostle The Big Show Bishop Zom Wyatt, either (don’t hurt me, bro!). The pairing of “Bushwacker” Luke Harper and Erick Rowan is suprisingly more than just muscle to the crazed Bray. Now, one could argue that Harper is the best wrestler of the three. Add to the fact that he, too, can do some crazy top-rope stuff, especially for a man his size; and you don’t have to worry about him at all in a match like this. Even more so when you have the heavy hitting Rowan backing you up.

Winner: The Usos. However, if a perfect storm were to blow through, then I would love to see all three members of the Wyatt family walk out of Money in the Bank with gold around their waists. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense for the Wyatts to win this one.

—Divas Championship—

Paige (Champion) vs. Naomi — **Paige** (Champion) vs. Naomi

A Requiem for the Funkadactlys.

I will consider this match a success if: a) Cameron is not involved in commentary, and b) No sexual harassment charges are filed against Jerry “The King” Lawler (see this week’s RAW and his eye-raping of Paige). But, more over, the Moses fully expects the demise of the Funkadactlys.

Look, I just can’t come up with anyone else who needs back-up dancers. And, for that, I’m truly very sorry, Hornswoggle.

Anyway, I love Paige, and therefore, will always show bias and bolieve everything she does is magic. Naomi will be champ but not just yet.

Winner: Paige due to misplaced interference by Cameron. Hopefully via scorpion cross lock. There is a distinct possibility that it will end in the dreaded “Diva Roll-up”, which is like kryptonite to these women. Let’s pray to Moses that poor Naomi doesn’t get bogged down in a garbage feud with Cameron who needs to consider a different line of work. Let’s trim the fat and make room the amazing talent down at NXT.

—Money in the Bank Ladder, #1 Contender Briefcase—

Kofi Kingston vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Wade Barrett vs. Jack Swagger — Kofi Kingston vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose vs. **Wade Barrett** vs. Jack Swagger

I’m afraid I’ve got some really Bad News, Padre: Seth Rollins is NOT what’s best for business.

At least not right now.

Yet, while I’ll allow our good congregation to dive headfirst from the turnbuckle onto your.. ahem.. Main Event, just remember that it’s the “second tier” MITB Ladder match that always steals the spotlight.

This year will be no different, chiefly in part to the New Loose Cannon, Dean Ambrose. Talk about a guy really growing on me. He’ll do just enough to end any chance of a Corporate Victory, but Rollins own athletic insanity — and sheer intensity — will do no less than cancel out both former Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

My biggest issue with this Ladder Match is that it’s missing several of the Fed’s brightest stars: No, not dudes from NXT; but Adam Rose, Fandango, Bo Dallas, hell, even Star.. dusssssssssssttt!

These guys are your next Jeff Hardy, your next Edge, your next Rob Van Dam, your next.. Cody Rhodes.

WWE, why wait?

Winner: Me. This will be the best match of the night, much in thanks to the nuttiness between Rollins and Ambrose.

—Money in the Bank Ladder, WWE Title—

Kane vs Sheamus vs Alberto del Rio vs Cesaro vs Roman Reigns vs John Cena vs Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt — Kane vs Sheamus vs Alberto del Rio vs Cesaro vs **Roman Reigns** vs John Cena vs Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt

Ey, Yo! It’s the man with the plan, your very own King of The Ring, Guy Padre…back in the squared circle of cool to give you my two bits and predicts for the MIB ladder match for the WWE gold. Now I’m still smarting from the whuppin the YES! movement took as it was unceremoniously booted to the back of the push-bus. So I plan to keep this short by taking a look at the participants in this historic match.

Let’s start with Galactus, Devourer of Worlds. Wait, what?! Sorry, the Padre got a bit confused. That would be Bray “Eater of World’s” Wyatt. As great as the Bray Wyatt movement has been I just don’t see him getting the ball to run at the head of the company. His gimmick works really well in that upper tier, minus the belt. I don’t see him as the main draw around which you build all of your major storylines. If this was a smaller fed, (see Raven in a similar gimmick some years back in the old ECW), sure. So as much as I love following the buzzards, I’m going to have to bet against the patriarch of Spooky-Crazy. But I do see him making the match something memorable for the fans. Sister Abigail off the top of the ladder anyone?

What about John Cena? Will Cenation have something to cheer about? Yes, but it won’t be the master of the five knuckle shuffle grabbing the straps. Cena is too been there done that and also too obvious a choice. The Beantown Superhero loses this one, folks.

As much stroke as he has with the Game and Lady Helmsley, I don’t think another run for Orton is in the cards so soon after the last. On the flip side I think it is too soon for Cesaro, but who doesn’t have him as a sentimental pick with the dangerous one, Paul E by his side?

Guy "Padre" @GuyCopes3 — Guy “Padre”
@GuyCopes3

Sheamus, Kane and Del Rio, odd men out in my opinion, are just their to be bodies in the ring filling out the match. These three are non factors as far as the final outcome…well, maybe not Kane…

Winner: So yes, that leaves us with the cousin of The Great One, Roman Reigns. A Reigns win creates storylines both fresh and endless. On a night that could see Seth Rollins win the other MIB match, Roman winning the WWE title would set up an epic confrontation and blow this rivalry up. Not only that, it sets up natural rivalries with Bray Wyatt, a nice beast vs. beast war with Cesaro, or a brutal fued with Orton. So many more options with multiple fued scenarios would naturally spring from a Roman Reigns win.

To quote HHH: “Are you ready?!”

WWE Money in the Bank will be live on PPV (or the WWE Network) this Sunday, June 29.